Advice on Separating & Divorce

by damselfly 18 Replies latest jw experiences

  • damselfly

    We have a few posters on here that are going through a divorce or a separation. You may know who they are, you may not. In order to respect their privacy I will not be naming them in this thread.

    Do you have advice to give them? Have you been through this yourself? What helped you/hurt you? Did you have a book/song/website/inspirational quote that kept you going?

    Could you share in this thread what helped you make your way back to a happy place.

    For me I had the hope (and later belief) that I would emerge as a stronger and better person. I knew that I needed to be true to myself in order to live a fullfilled and happy life. Music helped me a lot, it filled my mind on the days I didn't want to think and gave me something to concentrate on at night so I could sleep.

    I also though that this website would help, a divorce is a lot like a death, you grieve for what you had and what you have lost.

    The page on hope is very encouraging.


    *edit because I can't spell*

  • roybatty

    Every divorce is differnt but rule number one for my ex and I was do what's best for the kids. You're already putting them through something they don't deserve so the last thing they need to see is mom and dad fighting or to be used as pawns in order to "get back" at your ex spouse. Rule number two (and this is really important for us guys)...she's not your wife any more, so you don't have the right to "suggest" how she should run her own house. Rule flexable and resonable (and helpful if possible). By purchasingg a house close by it's been much easier on everyone, though you do give up a measure of freedom. However it works out great for the kids and is easier for us when something unexpected pops up.

    Oh, pay your child support and don't miss your visitation with your kids. Burns me up hearing stories about dads who don't take care of their kids.

    On the emotional front....takes about a year to really get over things. Anyway...just some things that come to mind.

  • peggy

    TIME! This is by far the most painful thing I have been through! 28 years of history with one person........gone! It is a roller coaster ride of emotion. One day I am strong and know where I am going and then I have a day like yesterday.......couldn't stop the tears!

    I know with certainty that we are BOTH better off. We have friendship and respect for one another. Our children are adults, so child support is not an issue, alimony is!

    Get a good lawyer and give yourself time to heal!


  • Finally-Free

    1. If someone dies and you inheirit money, gifts, or property, KEEP IT SEPARATE!!! In Ontario an inheiritance is excluded property, and not subject to division under the family law act. Do not deposit such money in a joint bank account. Even those of you with good marriages - things can change. Always keep receipts, and keep a paper trail. You won't be sorry.

    2. If your parent (or anyone) dies and leaves you a house, keep it in your name only. DO NOT live in it with your spouse. If you do, it is considered the matrimonial home and is divided in the event of separation or divorce. It is not considered to be excluded property in the event of divorce, even if you inheirited it. Your estranged spouse will get half the house, even if they never invested a single penny into it. Rent it to someone or sell it, and keep the money separate. And again, maintain a detailed paper trail of everything.

    3. If you have an accident and you receive an insurance settlement, KEEP IT SEPARATE!!! Your spouse did not incurr the injury, and if you separate they will not take half of the injury with them. This is also excluded from division. And again, keep a paper trail of everything.

    As I can well attest, hindsight is great!

    No matter how great you think your marriage is, no one can tell what the future holds, and your preparation for divorce should begin before your preparation for marriage. Am I being cynical? Yes. But it's justified. Look at the divorce rates, and prepare in advance. Most people like to believe their marriage will be "forever", but the statistics don't support that.


  • daystar

    Finally-Free, what you said.

  • Finally-Free

    Damn, I guess my post wasn't very encouraging, eh?

    On the positive side, I have come to enjoy living alone. I can eat, sleep, and cook what I want, when I want. I have a bird that gives me all the affection I could ever want. I've taken up new hobbies, and best of all, I don't have to fight anyone for the TV remote!


  • daystar

    Becoming separated and eventually divorced was one of the most horrifying experiences of my life. I got out lucky, though, that the apathy that my ex-wife exuded throughout the marriage followed her out of it and I was in complete control of the entire thing.

    But emotionally, I can think of very little worse. I have come out of it much stronger than I went into it though, and learned a lot.

    My best advice would be to stay determined to do what is best for any children involved first, and for yourself secondly. Don't just focus on the negative side to anything. If you look hard enough, you will see positive sides to just about anything. Focus on those positives instead and you will find things will go quite a bit easier (though still no cakewalk).

  • damselfly
    Damn, I guess my post wasn't very encouraging, eh?

    Needed to be said though, very blunt but realistic.

    What I've come to believe now is that we all evolve and change. Perhaps we are not meant to be with the same person forever. The person I was at 17 when I first met my ex is not the person I was when we separated almost a decade later. I didn't want or need what I did at the beginning of our relationship. We both changed and it was sad but it was done. If you are at different points in your lives and different stages in your journey then it could be time to move on.


  • jojochan

    The one positive thing for me was that I never had children with that woman. Don't get me wrong; I loved the idea of being married, but we grew apart. She had her own agenda in her own life, and I wasn't part of it by HER choice. In the end I know I should'nt let that make me bitter but it's hard. The one thing now that I enjoy is time for myself. I was always the type of person that was happy when my woman was happy.Now I have time for myself to make me happy. I go out now, I work out. And I enjoy my solitude.

    But I still long for that female companionship though. I know I have female friends, but that one certain woman that I could call my own? No.

    Personally I feel that I don't have anything left in the tank to give.


  • greendawn

    Fortunately I never had to go through it as I never was married but I can imagine how difficult it is when two persons that became one have to split apart again.

    I can recall a statistic which puts death of spouse as the most stressing experience, divorce is second and moving house in a new area is the third.

Share this