"Triple threat Monday" today. I decided not to post these 3 sets separately, but to just pitch them into one post.
The following were actually taken from classified ads in
newspapers:
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
-----------------------------------
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
----------------------------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
----------------------------
AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
-----------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG
------------------------------
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
------------------------------
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS
OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO,
EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
-------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
--------------------------------
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
---------------------------------
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
-----------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-----------------------------------
FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
-----------------------------------
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS
WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
----------------------------------
FOR SALE:
LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
-----------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED ***************
CALL CHUBBIE ***************
-------------------------------------
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
--------------------------------------
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
--------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.
---------------------------------------
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
----------------------------------------
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
-----------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN -
89 cents lb.
------------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
SLIGHTLY STAINED
------------------------------------------
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
------------------------------------------
AMERICAN FLAG
60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED
$100
-------------------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
---------------------------------------------
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.
---------------------------------------------
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
-----------------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER
$300.
----------------------------------------------
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
---------------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
--------------------------------------------
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
------------------------------
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
----------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
--------------------------------------
KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
-----------------------------------------------
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.
---------------------------------------
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer
needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the
screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it
PUNS
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the
craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and
heat it, too.
***
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields
and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as
the
lesser of two weevils.
***
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides
up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
***
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
during
root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
***
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I
can't
stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
***
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
***
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to
a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family
in
Spain; name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to
his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes
she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are
twins -if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."