Kissing Hank's A$$ - Parts 1 & 2

by Frannie Banannie 4 Replies latest social humour

  • Frannie Banannie
    Frannie Banannie

    Do you see a similarity between this version of reality and the one the WT-BATS presents?

    This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

    John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

    Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

    Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"

    John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."

    Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

    John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."

    Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

    Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

    Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

    John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

    Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

    Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

    Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"

    John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

    Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

    Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."

    Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

    John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

    Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

    John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

    Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

    Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

    Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

    John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

    Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

    John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."

    Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."

    Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

    Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"

    John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

    Me: "Who's Karl?"

    Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

    Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

    John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

    From the Desk of Karl
    1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
    2. Use alcohol in moderation.
    3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
    4. Eat right.
    5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
    6. The moon is made of green cheese.
    7. Everything Hank says is right.
    8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
    9. Don't use alcohol.
    10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
    11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.

    Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

    Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

    Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

    John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

    Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

    Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

    Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

    Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

    Me: "How do you figure that?"

    Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

    Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

    John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

    Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

    John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

    Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

    Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

    Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

    John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

    Me: "We do?"

    Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."

    Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

    John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

    Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

    Mary: She blushes.

    John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

    Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

    John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

    Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

    Mary: She looks positively stricken.

    John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

    Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

    Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

    John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

    Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

    Mary: She faints.

    John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

    With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

  • Frannie Banannie
    Frannie Banannie

    KISSING HANK'S A$$ - Part 2

    Atheism - Hank doesn't have an ass to kiss.

    Weak Atheism - Who is this Hank person, anyhow? I've never seen him. I think

    you guys are just making him up!

    Strong Atheism - There is no such person as Hank, and there is nothing

    outside of town. Take me off this list.

    leave town. If you don't, He might kick the s*** out of you.

    dollars when you leave town. If you don't, He's going to kick the s*** out of

    you. Read Karl's list, it's important. Only eat wieners on buns, without


    feels like it. We think that if you kiss His ass you're more likely to get

    the million, but it's completely up to Him. Oh, and He might kick the s***

    out of you before He gives you the million dollars. If you want to help other

    people kiss Hank's ass, you are not allowed to eat wieners, not even in a

    bun. Karl has Hank's phone number, so nobody is allowed to question Karl's

    decisions, no matter how strange they may seem. By the way, we have old,

    elaborate buildings that you can use to kiss Hank's ass.

    to, if you trust Him. If you don't trust Him, He's going to kick the s*** out

    of you when you leave town. If you do trust Him, He'll give you a million

    dollars when you leave town.

    million dollars. Plus, if any of your relatives have already left town, He'll

    give them a million dollars, too! By the way, we have new, elaborate

    buildings that you can use to kiss Hank's ass, if you give us money.

    you leave town plus free health insurance right now! If you don't kiss His

    ass, you'll have to pay all the doctor bills.

    you wait for it long enough, you'll eventually get a phone call from Hank.

    He'll let you know how to get a million dollars, what the moon is really made

    of, etc. You can kiss his ass over the phone, if you like.

    forgotten it because of the trauma of Your Catholic upbringing. My new

    workshop series will help You remember where You hid it.

    are going to get a million dollars after Hank burns the town down, which we

    think will be Real Soon Now. Then he'll kick the s*** out of anyone who

    didn't kiss his ass, and send the rest to a nicer, newer town. Here, have a

    pamphlet; it describes what we think we mean. We'll be back tomorrow to tell

    you why everyone else is kissing Hank's ass wrong.

    this terrible sickness of eating wieners The Wrong Way. Let us teach you to

    enjoy wieners only in buns, without condiments. Then, and only then, will you

    be allowed to kiss Hank's ass and collect your million dollars when you leave


    million dollars when you leave town, and might even teach you a new language

    or two before you leave town, as long as you don't mind garggle frunning

    doowaddeck beeble.

    OK to forget all about Hank when you're home. You may have bun-less wieners,

    or wieners with condiments, but please - don't over do it.

    you get depends on how often you visit our big, elaborate buildings and sit,

    stand, or kneel while kissing his ass.

    wiener and eat a different wiener, but still on a plain bun, no condiments.

    Karl said no, so the mayor recruited his own helpers and set up his own

    elaborate buildings in which one may kiss Hank's ass, and allowed himself and

    others to eat other wieners (but still only one at a time.) We know, this

    doesn't have much to do with Hank, but hey, if it's good enough for the

    mayor, it's good enough for us.

    someday your progeny will kiss yours.

    tell you more but you should figure it out yourself.

    leave town and nobody gives you a million dollars, you will probably end up

    coming back to town to kiss someone else's ass.

    million dollars, but only if you forget that it is in your house.

    his ass. If you become famous you might want to change your name to "Hank"

    after you leave town, and then you can come back to the woods and the townies

    will kiss your ass.

    question correctly, you can win a million dollars, but even before you get it

    you won't want it. Would you like some tea?

    town. If you don't, He's going to kick the s*** out of you.

    when you leave town. If you don't, we're going to kick the s*** out of you,

    and we might even make you leave town early.

    Those without stars on thars are bad people; they will never get a million


    make his own list, but we know Karl's wife hid the real list and gave it to

    her son. Listen to Karl's wife's son, or we'll kick the s*** out of you.

    and if you don't admit that, we'll kick the s*** out of you.

    ass (for a small fee, we can show you how to do this), and then you can give

    yourself a million dollars. If you make fun of us while we're kissing our

    asses, we might kick the s*** out of you or sue you for having fun at our


    all their teachings with them -- secrets about Hank, His Girlfriend Barbara,

    methods to kiss their asses and vice versa. Since then, those of us who kiss

    ass the old fashioned way have had to make some stuff up, but we think weâ??re

    on the right track. You can join our various ass-kissing groups, some quite

    different from others. Weâ??re pretty lenient on the wieners, buns, and

    condiments issue. We mostly disagree about what the Moon is made of, or

    whether thereâ??s a million dollars outside of town.

    drive by. We're leaving town NOW to catch it.

    remember is to kiss lots of ass. You kiss my ass and recruit people to kiss

    your ass in return, and so on. When you have enough people kissing your ass

    you'll get lots of money, and before you leave town even! Honest. Remember,

    you must teach your ass kissers not only to kiss your ass, but mine, my

    up-line, his-up-line all the way to Rich and Jay! Any condiments you use must

    be purchased from me.

    million dollars even if you did. And if He's going to kick the s*** out of

    anyone, it'll be here, in town.

    named Hank that may or may not be out there, and how to maybe get your

    million dollars, if it exists. Various methods of kissing Hank's ass are

    discussed, with extra credit for completed experiments.

    for some reason He left town without giving me a million dollars. Oh well --

    guess I'll smoke some weed.

    was here, left town a while back and doesn't have a cent to his name. There's

    a rumor of Somebody Else with loads of money Somewhere, whose ass is

    certainly worth kissing, but you can only kiss it after you leave town.

    Everything that you hear about Hank has some truth to it; eventually we'll

    all come to some agreement and everybody in town will be much happier. Oh,

    one more little thing: Hank definitely doesn't want you to eat wieners unless

    they're on buns, without condiments.

    before anybody else he's not interested in people (other than us) kissing his

    ass. He's planning on coming back and cleaning up the town someday, after he

    gives away money and kicks some s*** out of people who leave town.

    bad, so one of his split personalities started the whole Kiss Hank's Ass

    thing. Then a couple years later, another personality manifested Itself,

    claiming He was Hank's son Chris. He got the s*** kicked out of Him and was

    thrown out of town and said because He got thrown out you should kiss His ass

    now. Then he gave Karl a phone call and told him that as long as we start to

    treat each other real nice, He'll come back really soon and give everyone in

    town a million dollars. You should give Karl a lot of cash in the meantime

    because since we aren't ready for Hank to come back to town right now he

    needs help in getting the message out and stamps aren't free.

    creation. Hank may have left clues around town about what he wants; Karl's

    list is most likely bogus. Don't take anybody's word for what Hank wants

    unless Hank tells it to you personally. Oh, and don't worry about the million

    bucks until after you've left town.

  • GetBusyLiving

    This little skit very simply discredits all ridiculous magical belief systems. I still love it!


  • Frannie Banannie
    Frannie Banannie

    I do, too, GBL!

  • Frannie Banannie
    Frannie Banannie


    I'm as happy as can be......

    Hubba-hubba, honey chil'.....

    (doin' da bop here)

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