Hanging by a thread

IMustBreakAway

I am still hanging by a thread, the thread that keeps me is of course my family. Except that instead of feeling like a thread it feels like a giant knotted iron cable pulling at my heart. My family has always been “strong in the truth.” We are among the 5 th generation of witnesses, my great grand mother went to rutherford’s funeral, and being a witness has always been central in their lives. I went to bethel like my brother, and uncles before me and sat at the same sewing machine that my grandfather had sat at when he was there. So getting D’fd though it hasn’t happened yet will be more akin to having my heart ripped out and stomped on than for some. And my mother will cry. What’s also bothering me is that I have a very special relationship with my youngest sister. When my older bro, and sis, had moved on I was maybe 14 and she was 8 and I babysat her and taught her (we home schooled) through most of her childhood. Even though I’ve moved out from home and am married we still are very close, and I have come to support her like a daughter. She is 14 now and starting to think for herself and keeps talking about getting baptized. I think for the moment I have scared her off of that for a little while. She knows that I am not spiritually strong but has no idea that I am atheist. I told she should wait and be sure. Etc.. and she seemed to buy that for a while. I know my excommunication will devastate her.

Part of me wants to just keep on pretending, go to meetings. (I haven’t been out in service in at least six months but I also wear a full beard so the elders pretty much leave me alone.) And wait until she is 18 and then talk to her. No one knows about my real feelings and I could keep them a secret.

What have you done in a like situation?

freedomlover

you mentioned you're married. how is your wife with all this? is she on the same page as you?

I too had my heart broken when I thought of loosing all the family I have. some great in-laws, neices, nephews, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, parents. if you can keep on faking it, then go for it. it got to the point for me that I couldn't do it anymore then you just have to act on that. talk slowly to your little sister. add points here and there. keep stalling her on baptism if you can.

what I've found since I left recently is that I'm gaining family members and friends back that I never thought I would have again. you may be loosing some, but you will gain new friends and probably some of your family members with time.

so you have a full beard huh??

pretty cool you are!! I bet the elders love that.........

ithinkisee

Look at it this way ... as an organization they are pretty intimidating to those who are in it - but as an INDIVIDUAL you have already shown you are stronger than any of them. An organization always has weaknesses ... use this site and others to find the weaknesses that can make the greatest impact on your family.

As far as being at the end of your rope goes ... only you can truly know when the time is right for your exit. You'll either get to where you can't take the treadmill anymore ... or you'll get thrown off.

I wish you the best. PM me if you have any questions.

-ithinkisee

IMustBreakAway

My wife knows. She accepts. She is one of the most lovely people i know. She dosen't agree with me she believes that god exists and for her it doesn't matter if she is a wittness or whatever, it just happens to be what she was born into. She has often told me that if she had been born an egyptian she would worship ra. (she isn't very rational but she understands the underlying social issues..) She is the one that is pressuring me (slightly) to reveal my true nature. She thinks i am being disshonest to myself and others.

As for the beard, well they wern't thrilled. But i got jilted by people telling me how much they loved my talks that i had to do something to get off the list. And i look way better with a beard.. (my aunt says i look hawt...)

willyloman

my great grand mother went to rutherford’s funeral,

Well, that narrows it down considerably. My understanding is there weren't that many attendees. If you're going to reveal this much detail about your past, you are already "out" emotionally, anyway. Doesn't sound like your pending departure will be much of a surprise to the dubs in your life.

My advice: read, learn, get strong so you can weather the storm. It's a bumpy ride, my friend.

sass_my_frass

It might be a while before you feel like you're ready, so take your time. This is about YOU, your life, your marriage. The 'dishonesty' issue, put that way at the bottom of the pile, there's far more important things to consider including as you say, the pain that you and your family will feel. For now are you able to separate the 'game' you have to play from the life you want to live? Some people are able to exist almost completely on the outside of the organisation without ever getting themselves in a situation where they have to be shunned, and they find it's easier. Set yourself up - start working on your new life now. New friends, new interests.... mostly New Friends. You'll be glad to have other people in your life if it ever comes to that. Stop limiting yourself to the Approved Associates. There's a whole lot of love out there.

Enigma One

Your wife isn't very "rational"? I think her comment about worshipping Ra was very rational. 80%+worship the same as their parents....just like you have done. Relgion ends up being almost "genetic". You believe what you have been taught to be true. For her to see this, is a pretty cool thing IMHO.

Calliope

wow, you're living what i have this past year. only, i am the wife.

in the end, my husband (now nearly ex) da-ed himself.

but i have to continue living the lie, or at least fading imperceivably. my family has already lived through hell this past year with their son-in-law leaving and then us breaking up. it will be a very long time before they find out where i really am emotionally and mentally.

i suppose the only thing we can do is to hang in there.

SO HANG IN THERE!!!

and it's great that you're wife is so supportive too.

Hanging by a thread

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