For those with bf or gf who are JW's: How the JW view non JW's

by Check_Your_Premises 18 Replies latest social relationships

  • Check_Your_Premises

    This thread is a quick primer for those who are fairly unfamiliar with the JW, but have found that they are dating someone who is or used to be a JW.

    Well just to give you a little background on how JW's view the rest of the non-jw world: They basically see you as a bug. You are worldly and certain to bring their loved one death at the hands of God at Armageddon. JW's are forbidden to have a gf, worldy or not.

    See, the JW think that the only way to survive Jehovah's wrath at armageddon is to be a jw.

    So just take that one simple truth and work out the implications about how his/her JW loved ones (mom, brother, father, and even your bf/gf) feel about you.

    On the other hand, if they are dating a worldly person like you he/she is obviously taking a step away from the org by having you as a bf/gf. Your bf/gf likely has some doubts, but they have been brainwashed since birth. So you need to understand that when you talk to them and poke holes in their logic, you are likely butting against years of indoctrination. So here are a few tips for talking to ANYONE who is under the influence of mind control (sounds spooky and glamorous but actually it is quite simple, subtle, and very powerful)

    1. Never criticize the org. You can run down other religions ALL DAY. If you are hoping to help them see a flaw in the JW, the best way to do this is point out how messed up some OTHER religion is for doing the same thing. Don't close the loop by saying, "Hey, the JW do this also!" They will (if they want to) make the connection on their own. Play dumb.

    2. You are only a student in the eyes of a jw, a potential recruit. You are never a teacher of them. This is your angle though. By being genuinely interested in them as a person, you can ask them questions that force them to THINK.

    3. Always be very friendly and humble when you ask questions. The second you have an agenda, or sound like you are trying to win an argument, they will run away.

    4. Always try to build his trust. If they don't trust you, and think you are a threat to them surviving armageddon, they will run away. If you are genuinely interested, they can and will talk to you.

    5. Talk about religion only if you have to. Mostly just try to make them feel like a real person.

    Some questions you could ask (only if they trust you!):

    1. How sure are you that this is the right religion? ON a scale from 1 to 10?

    2. Isn't it funny how many religions say they are the only right one, and all other ones are bad. I mean really, how could you know if yours is the right one for sure. Especially if you are raised in it and that is all you know?

    3. If it wasn't the right religion would you want to know? If you found out it wasn't, would you leave?

    4. Have you ever tried to see if there is anything that proves the stuff they say is wrong? Have you ever looked on the internet? I mean if it is the "truth" what do you have to be afraid of? And besides, don't you want to know what people might say about the jw, so you could know how to respond?

    Required Reading:

    Releasing the Bonds and Combatting Cult Mind Control, both by Steven Hassan. (Letting your loved one see you with this will likely cause them to lose trust in you!)

    My thoughts on the prospects of dating a JW:

    Again, if they are dating you they are stepping away from the JW for some reason. You could probably plant some seeds in this person, and who knows, maybe they will find some freedom someday. Some gf/bf of jw have actually helped them leave. It really depends on how much time you want to spend. Don't get some "I must save them" thing going. It isn't healthy. There is only one Savior, and it aint you! You could waste your life trying to save someone but the truth is we can never control people or cause them to be what we want. The only people who are saved from these kind of groups are those who want to be.

    So don't underestimate how much work and how painful something like this is. You will spend countless hours praying and fretting and scouring the internet for the one thing that might open their eyes. You will watch this person you love and respect be led around by the nose, and talk like a robot. Any agreement that you hope for will have no compromise if it goes against the teachings of the org. You will always be second place. It is quite possible that your loved one will never leave.

    If you got this person to dig you then you can probably get someone else to dig you as well. You shouldn't have much trouble then in finding some much better and less complicated prospects out there. Hang out here, ask a few questions, and folks here will give you some good seeds to plant. Whatever you do don't sleep with this person. Sorry if that is a little personal. But if you (or they) get pregnant, expect all their years of phobias and indoctrination to come screaming back now that they have a precious child to save from armageddon! This is actually one of the most common causes for the "unbelieving mate" (aka a person married to a JW) situation. If you do get pregnant, you will spend years here trying to get ideas how to open their mind. Or you will spend years knocking on doors telling people about the "truth".

    Be careful. Life doesnt' suffer fools.

    CYP (aka "Mr. The Purpose of My Life is to Serve as an Example for Others of What Not to Do")

  • jgnat

    OK, this note is getting in the "best of" section. As a non-JW regular Christian married to a JW, I echo C_Y_P's sentiments. God doesn't interfere with free will. If He doesn't, neither should you. If a person wants to stupidly throw their life away, you can point out their mistake, but you can't make them stop.

    As for HOW LONG it takes to break a person out of cult thinking, think years, not weeks. I am on year five. And I am a very determined person. If you are a young person looking for a life mate and starting a family some day, you don't have the time to rebuid a human being and start a life together too.

    "Mr. The Purpose of My Life is to Serve as an Example for Others of What Not to Do"

    No kidding! That's why old people are so smart!

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee


    Thank you for reposting this in its own topic. The information is bound to be helpful to all those who need it.

  • Check_Your_Premises

    Let me know if you want me to make any edits.

    I mostly reposted it in it's orginal form. I added a few bits here and there.


  • kiddotan

    Thanks C-Y-P

    As a non-christian loving a JW (sometimes fading), this is great. I choose to be with him not to SAVE him. I printed this off for him. We are pretty open. He has his moments and as perfect as I am, I have mine. ;)

    This site with this sort-of info has been great for us.

    Keep it up and many thanks.

  • Seeking Knowledge
    Seeking Knowledge
    But if you (or they) get pregnant, expect all their years of phobias and indoctrination to come screaming back now that they have a precious child to save from armageddon! This is actually one of the most common causes for the "unbelieving mate" (aka a person married to a JW) situation. If you do get pregnant, you will spend years here trying to get ideas how to open their mind.

    Every once in a while there is a post that screams at me from my computer. This SO applies to me!! Hindsight being what it is I wish I would have looked into all of this 6 years ago then maybe things would have been different. The problems now is that my JW is no longer my problem so I can't/won't have the opportunity to talk to him about these things. All I can do now is educate myself as much as I can for the sake of my son. Try as he might, my ex and his beliefs will not be all my son knows...and at least he'll have another viewpoint on the whole thing.

    Wow...thanks CYP


  • 88thRelic

    Thank you all for this wonderfull site and awesome post.

  • Check_Your_Premises
    No kidding! That's why old people are so smart!

    Jgnat, I just realized you called me old again.

  • Super_Becka

    Thanks for the advice, C_Y_P, all of us non-JWs who are stubbornly clinging onto our relationships with our JW bfs/gfs really appreciate all of the information and cautions. Granted, we'll probably keep holding on to our JWs, at least for now, but we definitely appreciate the heads-up.

    Just because we're not following all of the advice given, or at least not yet, doesn't mean that we're not carefully considering and contemplating all that's being said. This forum has the best advice and warnings that anyone who's involved with a JW could ever ask for. Thanks!! Keep the advice coming, everyone!!

    -Becka :)

  • jgnat

    Whichever way you go, Becka, I hope you will continue to feel comfortable coming here for advice and support. I live by this quote:

    The true secret of giving advice is, after you have honestly given it, to be perfectly indifferent whether it is taken or not and never persist in trying to set people right.

    Hannah Whithall Smith

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