So why do I feel like a hypocrite??

by Super_Becka 14 Replies latest social relationships

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  Super_Becka

  OK, so I've been doing a lot of thinking about my relationship with my JW boyfriend, and while I haven't made any final decisions regarding what I'm going to do just yet, I can't help but feel like a hypocrite, and I feel terrible about it.

  JWs are so intolerant, they can't accept others who are different than they are, they try to force their beliefs and rules on others, they judge others based on WTS standards and such, so how does it make me any different to judge him on his beliefs?? I never judge people based on their belief systems or lifestyles unless it hurts someone else - I grew up being taught that everyone is different, that doesn't make them bad and that we shouldn't judge others because they're different, my mother's favourite saying is "To each his own" and I follow that myself - so why am I considering breaking up with my boyfriend because his beliefs are different from mine?? I'm trying to decide whether or not to break up with him - it's not an easy decision, he's a great person and he treats me very well - but I can't help but feel like I'm no better than an intolerant JW, judging him based on his religion. I feel like I'm trying to decide whether or not he's good enough for me because his faith is different than mine.

  I have a huge guilt complex, I always feel bad when I think that something I'm doing isn't fair to someone else or is hurting them (and no, I'm not a Catholic, but with all the guilt I feel, sometimes I think I should be!!), and I know that if I break up with him over this, it's going to break his heart (as well as my own), and I feel terrible for thinking like this. I know I shouldn't judge others for being different than I am. I try to live my life by the Golden Rule - do onto others as you would like them to do onto you - I hate doing things to other people that I wouldn't want them to do to me, and I know that I'd be devastated if someone I loved deeply cut off contact with me because of my faith, so why should I do it to my boyfriend, especially when I love him so much??

  How can I say that it's OK for me to judge him based on his faith and practices when, in the same breath, I'm saying that it's wrong for him to be so intolerant of my faith?? Isn't it wrong for me to judge him on his religion when I think it's wrong for him to judge others on their religion?? Doesn't it make me a hypocrite to treat him like that?? Does this make any sense to anyone?? Or am I being completely irrational in the way that I feel?? Please give me some advice!!

  Why, oh why, did I get myself into this??
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  Fe2O3Girl

  Hi Becka -

  I never judge people based on their belief systems or lifestyles unless it hurts someone else -

  Even though he isn't a "practicing" JW, all the intolerance, bigotry and dogmatism of the religion are thoroughly entrenched in his thinking and behaviour. He is already hurting you, and it won't get any better. This is not intolerance of an alternative viewpoint on your part, it is self preservation.

  All the best, Becka.

  Rachel xx
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  Aude_Sapere

  so why am I considering breaking up with my boyfriend because his beliefs are different from mine??

  As I recall from your prior posts, your concerns are not over his beliefs but, rather, his actions, his inflexibility and his refusal to discuss some things. The actual 'beliefs' had nothing to do with it.

  And some of his actions are having negative effect on your life.

  -Aude.
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  Mysterious

  I never judge people based on their belief systems or lifestyles unless it hurts someone else

  Unfortunately a lot of the beliefs that witnesses routinely hold DO hurt people. In a lot of relationships the JW is pressured to convert the other person and when this doesnt happen they may become very cold toward the nonJW in the relationship. They are probably one of a handful of faiths where mixed religion partnerships simply do not work very well at all.
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  MerryMagdalene

  Like the others said, this is not hypocritical on your part, it's a matter of self-preservation.

  Don't be afraid to use clarity of thought and depth of feeling to make good choices for yourself.

  If you feel uncomfortable thinking of your own present and future well-being, please consider that of any children you might have if you were to stay together!!!

  ~Merry
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  Super_Becka

  Well, yes, it's his intolerance, inflexibility and refusal to acknowledge and discuss my different beliefs that are really bothering me, but these traits all come from his faith. He grew up being told that his faith is the only faith and he's been taught to behave like this because of his faith, and that's what bothers me. Maybe it's just because I can't imagine being so intolerant about another set of beliefs - I understand that he doesn't believe the same things that I do and that he'll probably never change, and that's fine with me, the only way for me to find someone with the exact same basic beliefs that I have would be for me to date someone from my church back home and I know I'll never find anyone there, I just wish that he'd be willing to at least consider that other people believe different things and that they have different rituals and celebrations that coincide with their belief systems.

  He realizes that I don't believe what he does, but he refuses to talk about it, he refuses to acknowledge that I think that my celebrations are right and he doesn't want to have anything to do with them at all. He tells me that he loves me and that he loves everything about me, but he just completely blocks out this huge part of my life - I celebrate anything and everything, but he ignores that fact. I, on the other hand, am curious to know more about what he believes, even if I don't ever want to be a member of his Society, and if he did have something to celebrate, I'd be more than willing to participate in his celebrations, even if it was just to satisfy my own curiosity and make him happy. He tells me that he wants me to be happy, but he refuses to have anything to do with my special occasions, even if he is an inactive JW.

  He's free to believe whatever he wants to, but I think that in a relationship, there has to be compromise, and he refuses to even talk about compromising, much less actually doing something about it, and it's because of his beliefs. And so I can't help but think that I'm judging him based on the beliefs that he's been taught, because that's where his behaviour comes from. I'm sure that if he wasn't a JW, he wouldn't be nearly as intolerant about these things as he is. He's patient about so many things - like dealing with a long-distance relationship with a younger girl, listening to me rant when I'm having a bad day or just talk endlessly about anything and everything, and even trying to teach me how to drive a car with a manual transmission - but he's so impatient and intolerant about my celebrations. I just don't get it. And I can't even tell him how much it hurts me that he thinks like this because he won't let me talk about anything related to my holidays.

  I feel so horrible about feeling this way towards him, judging him because of this, but I can't help it. My celebrations are a huge part of my life and it hurts me that he refuses to have anything to do with them, right down to even talking about them and sharing my happiness about them even though he doesn't practice them, and I find myself blaming it on his faith. So now, I feel like I'm discriminating against his faith for teaching him to be like this, and I even find myself resenting the WTS for making my sweet guy behave like this. I can't help but feel like a horrible person for thinking this way, but I do anyway. The teachings of the WTS have made him like this and it's breaking my heart.
• 

  DanTheMan

  so how does it make me any different to judge him on his beliefs??

  Well, to judge him as a bad, stupid, or both because he is a JW, well, no that wouldn't be right, although you wouldn't get a lot of argument from me there. What you are judging is whether or not you can have a happy, successful relationship with a person who is committed to a religion that incessantly demands that its followers to conform to a very narrow and intolerant, and really pretty goofy worldview where God is going to kill everybody else besides JW's Very Soon™. Your bf will deny that this is what they really teach, but don't believe it for a second.

  JWism isn't just a set of beliefs. It's a whole world of its own. One of the scriptures that is repeated in Watchtower publications over and over and over again is the one where Jesus speaks of being "no part of the world". The context that this scripture is always quoted in is when they are encouraging JW's to have no unnecessary involvement with anything outside of the religion. Especially "worldly" holidays and celebrations. But that is just the tip of the iceberg.

  Being an active, zealous member of Jehovah's Organization (another phrase that appears countless times in Watchtower publications) is the measuring stick that JW's are constantly asked to measure themselves against. The leadership makes JW's know in no uncertain terms that this is the only worthwhile thing for them to aspire to. And the leadership also makes it known in no uncertain terms that to go against their "counsel" is to "grieve the holy spirit". In other words, to obey us is to obey God.
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  Super_Becka

  Well, I definitely don't think that my boyfriend is a "bad person" or an idiot by any stretch of the imagination, and I wouldn't see him as either of those just because he's a JW. I knew he was a JW before I started dating him - if I thought that being a JW would automatically make him a bad or stupid person, or both, I would've stayed away from him. But I just don't have any prejudices or intolerance for people with different beliefs or cultures or ethnicities or anything, I'm pretty easygoing when it comes to those things, so I didn't run for the hills when he told me that he's a JW, I just saw it as something that's made him the man he is now, just like my beliefs have made me the person that I am today.

  So no, I don't see him like that, I never have, I just see him as a misled young man who is very intolerant of other religions because a bunch of old men in an office in Brooklyn have taught him intolerance. He's not even an active member - he can't remember the last time he went to a meeting, he hasn't gone out in field service in 20 years and he's definitely not opposed to being associated with non-JWs - and he has no trouble partaking in many of the things that the WTS forbids (see my other topic on dating a JW for some of these) and the same thing goes for his family, but he still harbours this intense intolerance of other beliefs. He told me very recently in a phone call, "Sorry babe, I hate Christmas and I always will", and when I've asked him why he hates the celebrations that make so many people happy, his response tends to be, "Because I'm supposed to, it's against my religion". That's what I can't understand, he hates things because "he's supposed to". For me, that's like saying that black people are bad because your parents told you they are (don't take that as a racial slur, please, I am not a racist in any way, shape or form, I have no prejudices). I've heard of kids adopting the prejudices of the adults around them, but this is ridiculous. Once you grow older, you should be able to sort these things out for yourself and make up your own mind, but he's never done that, he just accepts the teachings at face-value.

  So now I'm here, completely and utterly in love with this man (yes, I know I'm young, but I believe that I'm in love with him) and my heart is breaking over this situation. I'm not sure what hurts more, knowing that he's so intolerant without a good reason or thinking about what it would be like without him...
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  Carmel

  Better that your heart is heavy now rather than later, which may include innocent younguns. How much anquish and pain will you go through later before you "see the light"?

  Sorry to be so frank, but I see no possitive outcome with mr. jwman!

  carmel
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  Scully

  Well, yes, it's his intolerance, inflexibility and refusal to acknowledge and discuss my different beliefs that are really bothering me, but these traits all come from his faith.

  If you think it's hard now, try imagining going through the next 5, 10, 15 or 20 years of his intolerance, inflexibility and refusal to acknowledge or discuss your differing beliefs. Is that what you really want? To be made to feel "dirty" for celebrating a birthday, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Canada Day or anything else you might want to be happy about?

  I never judge people based on their belief systems or lifestyles unless it hurts someone else

  The fact is, his belief system is hurting YOU. You may be able to cope with it now, because there are 5000 km between you, and you can get up from your computer terminal and distract yourself with something else when he takes a shot at you for celebrating Christmas, and you have your family there with you for moral support. But what happens when you're together, and you don't have your family backing you up? What happens when he's basically got you isolated, and you haven't got all your friends and family there to hang out with for the holidays? What happens when he refuses to let you have a Christmas tree in the house you share, because HE is the HEAD of the household (per JW beliefs)?

  If I were you, I would do a complete background check on this guy. Credit report, legal problems, hire a detective to find out stuff about him, etc. There are so many JW women (in some areas they outnumber the men 6:1) it seems strange to me that he's looking for a partner outside the JWs. To be honest with you, I would not be surprised if he has sociopathic traits. It sounds to me like he's trying to "hook" you with a 5000 km comfort zone between you. You don't have the normal luxury of seeing him day-to-day to know what his routines really are, what his relationships with other people are like. He has the ability to paint whatever picture he wants, without you being able to readily verify what he tells you. Really, I am very concerned that he is taking advantage of your trusting nature and luring you into a potentially dangerous situation. Please, if you do nothing else, have him thoroughly investigated before you go any further.