Feeling Discouraged About The Future Of My Marraige

24k

For those of you who may not be familiar with my story, a little history may help clarify my dilemna. I was raised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses, pioneered, became a ministerial servant, married a pioneer, and then became an elder, all before the age of thirty. A few years ago, I began to have serious doubts about the teachings and religious system established by the Watchtower. So began a long process of study and withdraw from, first service, then assemblies, and finally meetings. Along the way, I stepped down as an elder of course. I was doing my best to fade, but was finally officially disassociated a few weeks ago. I knew the announcement would bring added strain to an already strained marriage. Well, this morning, my wife's parents came over to pick my wife and our two children up for the assembly. I was getting ready to grab one of the kids to take them downstairs, when my wife said that there was no need for me to go down, as she could take care of it. I knew she didn't want me to go down and make her parents feel awkward, but it still hurt when she said it. After a few minutes of sitting at the computer, I thought, this is my house too! If they don't want to eat with me, or go on vacation with me, fine, but I will not allow them to come into my home and pretend I don't exist. So, I went downstairs only to be ignored by my wife's sister and father, not even a hello. To her mom's credit, she at least aknowledged me.

The truly difficult part of all this, is that my wife basically agrees with this behavior. In fact, when we were discussing the repercussions of my disassociation, my wife was in agreement with the idea that, should I remain in my present status, it would be perfectly proper that my daughters not have me attend their wedding. I know I'm rambling a bit here, but I'm not sure how a person can have a marriage under these circumstances. How can two people share a life together, where one of them is the enemy, worthy of such shunning by even close family? How can you have a partnership when one person refuses to have anything to do with the other persons life, beyond the practical necessities of living under the same roof? I love my wife very much, and I certainly don't want to throw our marriage away. I just can't see anyway to build a life together under these circumstances.

I know many of you have faced a similar situation. What, if anything, were you able to do? Are there any success stories out there? Is my marriage doomed?

Feeling blue,

Kirk

Odrade

Didn't your wedding vows have the part about "no man put apart?" So... the WT rules on shunning are more important than the bible rules on letting someone come between two marriage mates, (such as the abominable treatment you received in this instance?)
I'd say, with your new status, it might be a good idea to lay out ground rules. This idea that it your daughters will grow up and not invite you to their wedding needs to be addressed now. If you let wife think that is an okay idea, you will have no place in their life very soon, because she will groom them to think of her father as a dead assyrian strapped to their backs.
It's a very scary situation you are riding into, and maybe you should get some (professional) advice just incase she decides to separate you from your children.

katiekitten

Kirk

you are right, its not right that any person can step into your house (a house that you work and pay the bank for) and not acknowledge you. Even if its your wifes house too, its your house be law 50%, and as such, anyone who comes over the threshold is on your property. FOOK what the WTBTS guilt tells you.

Also, assuming you are the genetic paternal progenitor of those children, by law you have at least a 50% say in what happens to them. In the UK grandparents have a legal right to sue to see their grandchildren, but as far as I am aware that legal right does not extend to pissing on the father and taking the grandchildren to religious rallies. It only extends to seeing them on a regular basis.

You deserve to be recognised. You are a human being. You are a father. You are a husband. Forget the Witnoid guilt trip, and see the issue as an outsider would see it.

Best of luck to you.

tetrapod.sapien

http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/102183/1764183/post.ashx#1764183

katiekitten

Oh BTW, my mum managed to convince me that my dad was evil, and should have no part in my life, but eventually I grew up and worked it out for myself.

So even if you are excluded from your daughters marriages, as hard as it may be, with a bit of luck they will eventually see the wood from the trees and love you again.

Its just that it might take a while.

Anyway their first marriage to a minesterial servant will go tits up, and you can be there at the second mariage to a really decent 'worldly' man who will bring true happiness. (experience)

xx

24k

Sorry for the double post, but I couldn't find it when I first tried to post, so I did it again. I stiil can't get it to come up under "friends", oh well.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

my wife and i both agree that there is just nothing of significance for an apostate and a jw to have together; my love for her transcends jehovah, her love for jehovah transcends me; it's not a two-way relationship

Well said tetrapod. I guess one of the hardest things to come to terms with, is the idea that we really may no longer have anything in common. When all this first starts to transpire, you try to rationalize that you can pull some common interests out of the fire, and build a relationship on those. It's like your still, in a sense, blinded by the propaganda of the Watchtower, thinking that you have a normal life and a normal relationship with your spouse. Once outside, you realize that almost every aspect of your lives, and marriage, and future plans, is wrapped up in the teachings and activities of the society. If you're no longer going to participate in those activities, or adhere to those teachings, the very foundation upon which you built your relationship is undermined. It's like you have to start from scratch, but maybe your partner doesn't want to be married to a non-witness. And so, maybe without even knowing it, they build an insurmountable wall, and shut you out of whole sections of their lives. Again, not a partnership.

Anyway their first marriage to a minesterial servant will go tits up, and you can be there at the second mariage to a really decent 'worldly' man who will bring true happiness. ; (experience)

Thanks kattiekitten, LOL! It would be a lot funnier if it wasn't so true.

I'd say, with your new status, it might be a good idea to lay out ground rules. This idea that it your daughters will grow up and not invite you to their wedding needs to be addressed now. If you let wife think that is an okay idea, you will have no place in their life very soon, because she will groom them to think of her father as a dead assyrian strapped to their backs.

This is a problem I struggle with all the time. How do you impart balance to your children in such an intolerant enviroment? I don't know if it is even possible. It goes back to the idea of marriage, and parenthood, being a partnership, and it can't be just one person doing the compromising. If I am the enemy, than all is truly lost. No relationship can have that as its basis. I don't mean to sound so pessimistic, but it's been a long journey.

vitty

Sometimes it goes to active topics first

I agree with Odrade, dont let them get away with anything you think is important

Just remeber how they EXPECT everyone to fall over backwards for their uncompromising ways

((((((hugs))))))

Is she beyond reach do you think

24k

Thanks for the heads up vitty!

Is she beyond reach do you think

Of course, I can't be absolutely sure, but all indications are that she is determined to stick to her guns, or should I say, the guns the Watchtower has given her. Her family are all in, except for a disfellowshipped sister, who my wife has nothing to do with. The df'd sister didn't even get an invite to the baby shower. My wife is thoroughly convinced that the Watchtower is synonomous with God. Loyalty to it is really loyalty to God, and vise versa. I'm sure her family is constantly reminding her of this, and I know the elders are.

SWALKER

When we first leave the WTBS, it is natural to feel pushed aside from your friends and family, as they have the shunning thing down to a science. The thing is, you really have to decide what YOU can and can't live with. It's not your wife's call to be setting the pace 100%. You have to figure out the direction that you want to go and make adjustments to get there. Indecision on your part will look and feel like weakness, and your wife may pull away as she doesn't view you in the same light as before. It's a big adjustment and therapy/counseling may be a way for you to reconnect. It certainly is worth trying everything to keep your marriage together....

As a dad, you should definately be part of the decision on how your children are raised. Do you want your children to be raised in this religion? Most of us on this board wish that a) we had not been raised a witness or b) wish we hadn't raised our own children as witnesses or c) wish we had never heard of this religion!!!

Just some input for you to think about...

Swalker

vitty

I remember when my husband wanted out. I hated him for what he was doing to the family, I lost respect for him because he had let us down.

You really need to show her your love, you must try to get inbetween the org and her before you can even start to get her out.

This was said to ITINKISEE, but it goes for you too. As a woman,I would have felt better if my husband had showered me with loving attention, buy her flowers and help her round the house. Tell her you love her, often.

This will take time but she may choose YOU over the WT it will at least give you a fighting chance.

Im sorry you may already be like this with your wife, so forgive me if im presumptuous'

Anyway goodluck

Feeling Discouraged About The Future Of My Marraige

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