So, how are you?
I've gotten past much of my grieving over the whole marriage-destruction thing, largely by drowning out reality. I've been even more of a movie-head than usual--and that's saying an awful lot. Also, the quality of my meals has gone down considerably. I can say one thing, my wife was a great cook, not to mention being very cute. I miss her cooking, that's for sure.
I'll avoid talking much more about that issue, save to say that we're talking again, and maybe, due to my own trust issues, that was the core problem in the first place. Lack of communication is deadly to a marriage. I'm not really a Bible-centric person anymore, but I do think, if there's a way to save my marriage, I ought to at least try. Failing to sort out the problems could result in my dragging the same problems into the rest of my life. I only wanted to marry once, and I have, so I don't want to let it die on my account. If this does end forever, I hope not to date anymore, ever. It's clear that I don't have the qualities needed for good husbanding/parenting. It's complicated and I can't discuss it more than that.
I am returning to therapy this week, so...that's nice. Not even sure what to say.
My JW mom called yesterday. I'm still mystified by her not shunning me properly. The strange irony is that she related an anecdote about a DF'd person coming up to her and trying to strike up a conversation. She concluded it must be because she's missed so many meetings that this guy thinks SHE'S DF'd. The NERVE of him! I was actually both annoyed and just plain confused as to how she could relate this tale to her DF'd son without realizing the irony of simultaneously talking to him when there was no business reason to do so.
She expressed a hope that, when I 'get reinstated', there will be many people who will want to befriend and talk to me. Well, while I enjoy Instant Cocoa Mix, I do not enjoy Instant Friends. I can taste the difference.
And stranger still? My wife again asked me if I would attend the Memorial! I mean...I understand that a marriage in turmoil can cause people to return to the cult for guidance, but...I'm not a new recruit, I'm a born-in. I'm also a free-thinker now. I just see no reason to support a ceremony that is theologically wrong and supports a blasphemy. Said blasphemy being that mere men can decide for millions who is or is not worthy to partake of Jesus' body and blood. Not to mention that the people there will, by and large, be shunning me on the basis of either (1) fornication that I wasn't practicing anymore even when I got DF'd, or (2) for the belief that Jesus simply would not support a religion so mired in error as this one was in 1919 and is now.
I was just thinking this morning. Why are they calling it a Memorial? That sounds more like a funeral than a celebration. If indeed, Jesus is alive, which is what makes his death relevant in the first place, why wouldn't they celebrate his coming to life far more? If he didn't come to life, there'd be no way for him to enter heaven with his blood and pay for our sins. He would be a false messiah and just another man, as a dead man. I know what you're thinking. Yeah, he said to proclaim the death of the Lord until he arrives. Not saying you shouldn't do that, if that's your thing. Just saying..."the Memorial" is too somber a title. Stick with "the Lord's evening meal", which at least is a quote from scripture.
Of course...I was also thinking about religion as a whole, about what some of us do. I respect those who are into it, and I like to throw about Christian discussions sometimes myself, more so in my head than here lately, but all the same nonetheless. I go through my life, and I see nothing spectacular or supernatural, beyond creation itself (and it was created, if you ask me, even if by a series of events and not an intelligent designer, per se). No voices from heaven, no random encounters with angels. What made humans 2,000 or more years ago more worthy of that than any other group of humans? They were no less greedy or violent or noble or virtuous than humans today. That's why there are so few truly great men.
And then it hit me. Maybe the men and women we tell grand tales about, and even the heroes or gods that are in ancient books--maybe someone just took the raw materials of man himself, flawed as they were, and built stories around those things, and thus the gods were born. Magical, unseen beings who could do what we could not, who could protect us when all seemed lost, who could give us purpose, hope, prosperity. If we lived virtuous lives, even death could be faced with dignity and hope. That perhaps what was buried in the ground was merely a shell or a past self and someday...somewhere...we'd live again. Seeing how hopeless life can feel when confronted with the harsh realities--greed, poverty, senseless violence and suffering--isn't it natural to say, I want to believe there's more to it than this?
I think of, say, Superman, for instance. The idea that up in the sky is someone watching over us, who will hear our cries for help, and come save us. Even though it's more literal in the case of Superman, I think the psychological premise is the same for religious belief. We feel like we do have the strength to hold on, to do the right thing, because our heroes could. Because Moses could be meek, or because Jesus could stand up for the little guy, maybe I could too, right? And maybe even if the worst happens, one still hopes that someone spectacular will show up, any day now, and save the day.
It's a good feeling, if you believe it. It would be nice if faith could be rewarded with more than just a need for more of it.
I see advertisements on the way to work from those folks who believe May 21st is Judgment Day. To them, I say, see you in June. At least now I understand that they're just as misled as I once was. I hope nobody gets too depressed about it once it doesn't happen. It would probably be pretty heartbreaking if you're a true believer.
Anyway, my wife asked me if I was going to do something by myself for the M--the Lord's evening meal. For me, it seems clear that there's nothing more for me in the realm of religious ritual. I didn't have the heart to tell her that my faith is practically gone now. I figured the JWs were the best Christianity had to offer; I now see that I was gravely mistaken. To assume that either JWs or any Christian form of worship is the 'right' thing to do would only set me up for repeating the errors I grew up buying into.
I'm not sure of what my purpose here will be. Perhaps it is as Agent Smith said, that "the purpose of life is to end." Even if that's true, today my life still remains. Maybe the purpose of life is to figure out your own purpose. Circular, I suppose, but if you find something that gives you meaning and maybe even helps others, maybe that's good enough.
Sorry. I get a little introspective and thoughtful sometimes. I'm doing fine, and just taking it one day at a time. Take care.
--sd-7