Sometime between learning I was sick again and attempting to get well I had a moment of submission, surrender & acceptance. I once thought that I had accepted the struggle of living with an incurable illness. A life filled with pain and knowing that I would not be what I had planned and life would not turn out to be what I hoped it would. I thought I had accepted this, but the path to letting go hasn't been that simple.
We humans waste a lot of time & energy in an attempt to evade death. Wanting to slow the ever forward march of time, trying to look younger, chasing the dream of what we used to be. We sometimes live as if we will never die. As if we had the courage of an immortal teenager. I, on the other hand, must live differently because I am much too close to the end of this earth walk. I have no time stamp as to when that will be. But it's fast approaching. It will come to those near and dear to me as well. Death is a part of the circle of life. It's a release. One more step closer to home.
Some people find the idea of talking about death morbid. For those of us who walk a step ahead of the companion we feel following us too closely, we are challenged to accept the reality of death and at the same time, LIVE!
Perhaps the idea comes to people in middle age; maybe when they're old. But, we are all dying.
I am learning to not sweat the small stuff. I'm striving to heal my body in spite of my black-robed companion who lurks nearby. None of us knows the number of our days. It could be a day, a month, a year or fifty years. The worry of when, I leave up to my soul which knows what needs to be done before my final exit. There is still some mystery surrounding it all. Having the knowledge that death will come sooner for me than most allows me to focus on living each minute to the max. I haven't been able to do this before. I've been too consumed with trying to escape death's grip. In trying to avoiding this pain I created a split in my psyche.
I do not believe death will be the end of me. It will be the end of this lifetime. Why would a limitless spirit bind itself to one lifetime in this earthly existence? My faith in my soul's limitlessness, my consciousness being unbound by my physical body, allows me the peace of knowing I will continue on long after my body gives out. It's all a part of the plan. The plan I entered into before I became who I am. Coming to this understanding has been like a lifetime of learning. I'm learning and the discoveries, I'll carry with me back home.
This has been my reward. This knowledge. Nothing more, nothing less.
Discovering the world of dreams, of the eternal self means I'm no longer chained to this body. It is those who fear death, who hang on tightly and foolishly to that which can not be avoided. I've let go of my attachment to this body and I find myself unafraid of the inevitable.
When the grim reaper comes for me, I know from the core of my being, that living is the only job I now have. Living, loving, learning. Not to become any more than who I already am and have been. To remember my divine spark and nothing more.