Wanting to leave JWs & Spouse problems

by doinmypart 25 Replies latest jw friends

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  doinmypart

  Are you trying to fade or otherwise distance yourself from the Org, but have a spouse that is a loyal JW?

  On various posts I read about some that are staying in the Org, or having a difficult time because their spouse doesn't understand the change.

  I'll begin...my wife doesn't understand how I can turn my back on all the good things I've gotten from the Org. She thinks I'm an apostate. And she thinks I'm losing my mind. BUT at the same time she agrees there are some problems in the Org, and she won't turn me in to the other elders about my apostate thinking. So maybe there is some hope though it doesn't seem likely since she is so firm in her beliefs.

  Who else out there is in a similar situation? Or how many have been in this situation but made it out with their spouse/family in tact?
• 

  IP_SEC

  My wife sounds exactly like your wife. She also wonders, "If he has rejected his religion which was once a big part of his life, maybe he will reject me too"

  Fading is not an option for me right now since it would most assuredly bring the other men asking questions, "have you slown or become inactive because you've committed a sin? No? then why have you slown down?"
• 

  95stormfront

  My wife sounds exactly like your wife. She also wonders, "If he has rejected his religion which was once a big part of his life, maybe he will reject me too"

  Apparently all our wives were cut from the same mold.

  I had a hell of a time getting through to my wife that I just wanted to be "me", to find fulfillment in doing things I'd chosen and truly wanted to do rather than be tied down to the drudgery and relentless schedule of WT meetings and activities dictated by old geezers in Brooklyn who've lived their life insulated from the issues people face in real life. This was especially the case when I'd finished school, got my degree and a new job that doubled my income almost immediately

  Constantly, to this day, I have to assure her that I love her and that I have no intention of leaving her.

  I've successfully faded, although I do attend the obligatory "pass the stale bread and cheap wine" party with her.
• 

  Tigerman

  " . . .slown down." What does that mean?
• 

  AlmostAtheist

  Regularly assure her of your love for her. Even if you never get her out, you MUST help her feel secure with you. When I admitted to Gina that I was an atheist, she got very uncomfortable because she assumed my morals were all based on religion. No religion = no morals = I'll go grab the first floozie I find because there's no god to punish me for it.

  Your wife needs to know that you love her because you WANT to and NEED to, not because you HAVE to.

  If Gina and I weren't JW's, we'd've never met. I can honestly tell her that if I had to endure 20 years of Waffletower slavery and lose 20 years of productive life in order to get her as my wife, then it was time well spent. If you can honestly say the same thing, do so. Often. (Perhaps you shouldn't use the terms "Waffletower" and "slavery", but you get the idea!)

  Perhaps seeing you out and not falling apart -- not turning to drugs and alcohol and satan worship -- will help you 'win her without a word'.

  (My own alcohol consumption dropped considerably after I left the JW's. Maybe without the guilt pressing in on me all the time, I just didn't feel the need anymore? Not sure, but it definitely dropped.)

  Dave
• 

  doinmypart

  IP_SEC --
  When I tried to "slow down", stop giving talks, stop conducting the bookstudy, all that, the elders said all I needed was a break - take however long I needed. But they wouldn't accept my letter to step aside! They were doing me a favor, yeah right. I was doing most of the work they didn't want a lot of it to fall back on them and/or make them look bad.

  95Stormfront --
  I've told my wife the same things. She says I want to be selfish and that I shouldn't put my wants and rights ahead of those in the congregation. Oh well...congratulations on finishing school and doubling that income! I'm in school halfway to getting my Bachelor's degree, it just takes so long trying to get it while working fulltime & JW activities.

  Dave --
  "No religion = no morals" You're post put things in a different light for me. Thinking about past conversations I've had with my wife I can understand that from her perspective she's thinking, "If he can leave Jehovah, he can leave me". 'Tis true I would not have met my wife if it weren't for being a JW, so in that sense it is time well spent. I'll try to remember that and not be so bitter. Thanks man.
• 

  Bluegrass Tom

  The WTS has designed things to keep people in place. Pressure from the family to remain, perform, etc. It is part of the indoctrination process that they have down pat.

  Here is a general suggestion for you to consider. It's the middle ground. I will be implementing this myself.

  1. Confirm your love for your wife, and assure her to a point that she is comfortable that your problems are with the WTS not her, and you have no intention of leaving her or your relatives.

  2. Go to the meetings as you can, be nice, don't rock the boat. Don't share your personal views with the people there. She wants to be there with her husband, not alone. Fill the need. Don't badmouth the Society to her. Over time she will accept what you want to do, and you will be able to go less and less as you like. You can share with her, in an informative way the things that you have realized and feel about the WTS. This should be done in an atmosphere of normal sharing between spouses. Keep negativity out of it. let her know that you are just thinking for yourself.

  3. Once she is comfortable with things, help her to understand that this isn't for you, and you want to do other things with your free time. Nothing negative. Just that you need your time too, like she needs her time and she wants the Meetings. You don't stop her from the Meetings, and she shouldn't try and stop you from what you want to do. Mutual respect for one another.

  You and your wife are involved in an Organization that has a structure in place to control people. It is going to take time, perhaps years to free yourself of it, and maintain your marriage. It will take tact, and patience. You will have to sacrifice some of your personal perogatives for the sake of your wife. Just be good to her. You will need one another. Have faith in her and trust her. There is something between you, thats why you got married.
• 

  LittleToe

  My ex falls into that category, too. However I think she tried to get in there first with the "divorcing the feelings" thing.

  No happy ending here, I'm afraid.
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  95stormfront

  She says I want to be selfish and that I shouldn't put my wants and rights ahead of those in the congregation.

  Ahh....the old "suppress your own thoughts and needs for the good of the congregation and Jah's organization" guilt trip.

  Perhaps the congregation has a responsibility and even a mandate from Jah himself to respect the wants and rights of individuals within instead of trying to force them to always conform to the strictest conscious of any one individual or collective within the organization.

  Surely there is a scripture that admonishes to "not be a busybody in other peoples affairs".
• 

  bronzefist

  doinmypart,

  I totally agree with those saying you have to continue to show your wife love. I would even say to double it. Buy her some flowers and candy. Show her by your example you are not suddenly going to be possessed by a hundred demons filling the empty spaces of your mind. For some reason people are convinced they suddenly appear when you start to think differently. Sisters in the congregation will to start to advise and "comfort" her about her situation. Remain positive and kick the dust off of your shoes.