When They aren't "Attractive"

simplesally

This thread is in response to comments running in Logan's thread about girls wearing 'hottie' t-shirts and debate (sort of) about beauty. Xena posted this:

My ex was badly burned awhile back....and I had a few ignorant people actually comment to me that they didn't know how I could still find him attractive, they would be repulsed by the scarring he had....because they couldn't see that the person he is and was is an extremely "hot" person. To this day when he goes swimming without his shirt there is inevitably the dumbass person who stares at the scars on his chest and arms....points and whispers to their friends so they all turn and look...shallow insensitive people with nothing better to do than sit in judgement on another person due to their appearance. Fortunately he has great self esteem and couldn't care less what people like that think.....I sometimes used to think if it had been me, I probably would have hidden myself away.....something I guess that would make some people happy, cause heaven forbid you have to look at someone who doesn't meet your standards of "hot".

A while back, I was in the grocery store with my daughter. Everywhwere I go, I get stopped by parents or grandparents who admire my daughter's playfulness, her spirit, her hair or her beauty. This attention, of course, shapes her personality. She becomes more outgoing, more confident with herself and with others. Of course, it always make me smile to see someone appreciate my little one. Then I rounded the corner to the vegetable section and so a not so pretty (physically) little girl with her grandparents, probably. She was staring at my daughter who was running and playing back and forth. This little girl's face was physically deformed and I turned away and started crying.

I cried because I saw her looking at my daughter and I wondered what she thought? Was she a little jealous that she was not born 'normal'? Was she just simply seeing a little girl play? I cried because no one would be approaching those grand parents and saying what a pretty girl they had. I cried because I go home and have a good day when people smile at me and her parents have a good day when no one asks "what happened" ....... I cried because I had to walk away and force myself to not look.......I imagined her life as turning out so different than my daughter's and how unfair that was.

Joan Rivers said:

The psychic scars caused by believing you are ugly leaving a permanent mark on your personality.

Sometimes, that's why 'pretty' girls are more outgoing and the non-standard girls (and men, sorry!!) seem to be hiding in holes or on the fringe. So, if someone who is not my standard of "hot" wears a "hottie" shirt..........well dammit good for them!!!!!

It's better to see everyone as beautiful ......... remember they are persons not things. And some people who are beautiful might be beautiful on the inside or not... But the outside beauty is just outside. But because they have been treated nice and admired, they might just be beautiful inside too...........but remember the not so hot young people, encourage them if you're in a position to and stop to admire all children!

Mulan

It does affect you too. I know I was not an ugly little girl, teen and adult, but I felt ugly or less attractive and it scarred me.

My mother was a great beauty and got a lot of attention because of that. My brother, who is almost 6 years older, was movie star handsome, and my father was also very handsome. I felt very plain and unnattractive because all of them got so much feedback for their looks. No one ever said, "My God you are so beautiful, and your little girl is quite something too". They would tell Mom how gorgeous she was and then look at me and say nothing. It would have changed me if someone had told me I was pretty too. My friends would oooo and ahhh over my mother's beauty and get silly in front of my brother.................I didn't mind that, but inside it hurt.

Looking back at the photos of myself, I see that I was a very pretty child and a pretty teenager too, so it was just my perception of myself that affected me, not any reality.

I grew up thinking I was not attractive, but I decided to overcome it and be smart and have a great personality. I guess it worked. I have always been popular and had lots of friends and have been told how intelligent I am.

When my children came into my life, I was relieved that all of them were so attractive and that I had a beautiful daughter. It filled me with great pride when people would tell me what a beautiful girl she was (and she looks just like me). I knew my children would not have that scar for lack of beauty. But I also tried to instill in them that you can only go so far on your looks.............somewhere along the line, you have to also be smart and a good person. It worked. They are all great, contributing adults with wonderful lives.

I am still hung up on physical appearance though. Some things are hard to get out of your psyche I guess.

dh

And some people who are beautiful might be beautiful on the inside or not... But the outside beauty is just outside. But because they have been treated nice and admired, they might just be beautiful inside too...........but remember the not so hot young people, encourage them if you're in a position to and stop to admire all children!

i'll vote for that.

it is totally the truth that kids who are liked will grow up with a very different world view to those who are not, and this is largly due to how cute they are. crazy. just to throw a jw slant on it, i think being raised as a jw knocks the wind out of you whether you are a cute kid or not, and it effects your world view in much the same way as physical scars will effect the girl you mentioned, maybe this is why smart looking ex jw girls & guys have issues they wouldn't normally have.

back on topic. i have been fortunate/unfortunate enough to see some very badly deformed people (adults & children) in my life, and though i know your words are right, and though we know it's wrong, when we come across these things, we instinctively turn away, as you said it made you cry, and if we don't turn away, we stare.

i think it's a long haul in human development for us to get past physical issues i think, because we are very physical creatures.

seeitallclearlynow

Wonderful post, Simplesally.

Everytime I get a new little peek into your nature I come away with even more admiration for you than before.

You're so right about the need to make an effort to pay attention to all children for themselves and not limit ourselves to the ones that seem to fit society's definition of "winners". My mother trained us early on this point and it's one thing I appreciate; she taught us mostly by example.

Once in awhile it's natural to be overwhelmed by the sadness of a deformity, depending on our own emotional state at the moment, and we can't help looking away quickly. We're afraid it might seem we are staring if we gaze at them at all. But most of the time we need to look them right in the eye and smile, no hesitation, no looking away; many people say it really hurts their feelings that so many people automatically look away because of the deformity present.

ezekiel3

When I was a young teen I had a "mentor" who was the most beautiful woman. She happened to be a JW pioneer and took me under her wing. She was in her 60's, but had the fierce energy of a teenager. Her words and expressions made me want to know more about life. Her eyes were bright and her laugh was a magnet.

One day I looked at her, with "hard eyes", and for the first time actually saw her skin. She had that severly sun-withered deep wrinkled skin. She was old, and grey, even feeble. When I saw her like that I was horrified. Because, like a shape-shifter, she could transform instantly into the woman I "knew", the exciting attractive one.

That was the greatest lesson I learned from her, that inner beauty can actually blind others. Funny, she eventually went "apostate." Can't hold a good woman down.

The next time you see a deformed/ugly/disabled/retarded person look into their eyes and acknowledge them. There is a beautiful person there.

frenchbabyface

... ...

gumby

....heck.....even "Newman" on Seinfeld had chicks that thought he was cute. There's "an ass for everyone" according to Little1 Blind people are the ones who look for the beauty on the inside....so should we.

Gumby

DanTheMan

Being what we are, it is an inevitable fact of life that the child with bright, clear eyes, and symmetrical facial features with no obviously disproportionate aspects is going to get more positive attention from adults and other children.

I have deep admiration for people who are very physically unattractive (and I don't think that physical beauty and the perception thereof are purely subjective matters, some people are objectively ugly) who are able to accept what they've got and be beautiful people on the inside. I also admire persons who are physically attractive who don't play it for all its worth, who try to be more than just a pretty face.

Preston

I was deeply pained whe I read S.S.'s post because I went through something similar.

When I was going to school I developed some scars on my arms and face (through a severe skin problem that I had) and it left me virtually friendless. I still have these scars to this day and wherever I go, whether I'm going hiking or at the pool I've always been kind of self conscious about my appearance. It was so bad in school I had virtually no friends. I still deal with a lot of these "scars" to this day, and even though I've done my best to take care of what happened (most of the scars have cleared up) I find that I tend to be on the obsessive side when it comes to my appearance since I felt I had no opportunity when I was a kid to at least look handsome (I really was...well...ugly). I think this "missing time" is another factor that hindurs a lot of people from feeling beautiful.

My mom likes to say that no matter a person's age, everyone wants to look beautiful.

simplesally

Sometimes, you meet a person who has been told they are fat and ugly, been treated that way, too. So, have you noticed that sometimes, in turn they can become mean and ugly and vengeful to others? I have seen that and that makes me very sad too.......

When They aren't "Attractive"

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