Rage, the WTS and JWD - a year's journey

by talesin 18 Replies latest jw friends

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  talesin

  It was a year ago this past week that I joined JWD. Being here has helped me with one issue in particular. I would like exchange feelings/experiences with you about this, as I feel that it could be key for many of us.

  I left the JWs in 1977, was DF in 1979. Since then, and up until joining JWD, I had no knowledge of the machinations of the Society.

  Some of the things I learned about here are, the flip flop on organ transplants, the UN scandal and the 'two witness' rule being applied to paedophiles. I also read many stories of the lies and abuse perpetrated upon individuals by the bodies of elders in many congregations. The widespread favoritism, the gossiping, the dishonesty of many of the 'brothers' in business was quite shocking to read about.

  For the first 6 months here, I could feel my anger growing more and more. Then, I was forced to take a break of several months due to lack of pc facilities. When I returned in February of this year, my rage began to spill over. It exploded here, on JWD, during an unfortunate episode of which I am not too proud. After that episode, I took a hard look in the mirror, and examined the reasons for my angry outburst.

  I realized that I had suppressed my anger at the bOrg for over 25 years, and that anger had, quite naturally, turned into rage. Anger at the way my JC lied to trick me into 'confessing', the lack of compassion shown me by my friends and family when I was DF, the manipulative guilt trip that has been laid on me by my parents all my life (I blame the WTS, not them), the loss of my education due to the 1975 lie.

  I never realized how angry I was at them. I had shoved it all down inside. By virtue of this, the WTS was still controlling me, as the rage within touched every facet of my life, especially my physical and emotional health, and my relationships.

  Those personal experiences, combined with my new knowledge of the Society's lies over the past 25 years, had built up a hatred inside me that was white-hot. After examining my feelings and acknowledging my rage, I let it flow through the keyboard by way of this medium, JWD, and released it from my soul.

  Now, instead of all that rage being inside, making me bitter and yes, sad, it is gone, directed toward the WTS. On days that I read of new injustices, or have a bad experience with a family member, I am momentarily angry, but I can now let it go instead of ignoring it and burying it deep within me.

  I feel a new peace inside, a realization that I have finally moved on from bitterness and self-pity. I think of that phrase 'an incredible lightness of being'. It describes how I feel, now that I have dealt with my rage.

  The WTS no longer controls me, finally, after all these years.

  Some would call this a 'cathartic experience'. I agree with the term, but also think of it as a paradigm shift, a whole new way of looking at life. No longer angry and frustrated without knowing why, but happier and with a new zest for life.

  Now, I can't wait to see what the future holds.

  Thanks JWD, and ALL of you. Each one plays their role in making JWD a place of learning, healing and sometimes just plain fun. As Shotgun said a few weeks ago, I have found my tribe.

  Any others who would like to comment/share?
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  Valis

  eh tal..I'm glad you are here with us. Great post.

  As Shotgun said a few weeks ago, I have found my tribe.

  BTW, do we all get one of these?

  Sincerely,

  District Overbeer
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  Celtic

  Ello Lass

  Aye, I too was, but maybe did not realise it back then, but four years ago I too was embroiled in the same rage game. Indeed I was kicked out by the JC because of my anger problems. Anger is an emotion which eats you up from the inside, it's not like on purpose you want to be angry, it just comes or for me, came from years of in built suppression. I can remember well my parents often saying to me, 'who do you think you are, you havn't a voice, you must and will, always do as you are told', or words to that effect. My anger disappeared about 2 years ago. Of course, I still feel justified anger at times, but in psychological thought, you know too that this is a natural emotion, I am glad though, that these days I feel so much lighter of heart and especially in mind. I'd like to say thank you too, especially to a few posters who back then helped me heaps, Joy2bfree, Tishie, Seven006, VeniceIT, Scully and many more. You have all done your part in the healing process, even you cranky bunch of rascals that really pushed my buttons at times. Don't let anger eat you up from the inside, use the force of your emotions to release this energy into good things like creativity and inspiration. I take my hat off to all of you.

  Hugs to you Talesin, nice post.
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  rocketman

  I think that through the years in the jw religion, we are conditioned to accept the bad that happens to us and simply dismiss it and/or blame ourselves. Later, when we realize what was happening all those years, we get angry and frustrated - perhaps wondering how we could have let it happen. But that conditioning is hard to break.
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  talesin

  Thanks, guys! :)

  Valis

  My first stop on the 'net was Randy's website, which directed me here. Never left! :D

  And I would love one of those to put on my land. I wonder how difficult it would be to get one through about 5 miles of bush?

  Celty

  "I still feel justified anger at times, but in psychological thought, you know too that this is a natural emotion"

  Yes, that is so true. Anger is natural and fleeting. When pushed down and suppressed, it becomes rage. And we were taught to do that so well, weren't we? My parents gave me that same message, in almost the same words.

  I love what you said here:

  "Don't let anger eat you up from the inside, use the force of your emotions to release this energy into good things like creativity and inspiration."

  Spot on!

  Rocketman

  So nice to hear from you. :) How have you been, buddy?

  Yes, it was always our fault, wasn't it? No anger allowed. It doesn't go away until we make a conscious decision to exorcise it. You said,

  "But that conditioning is hard to break."

  Yes, after years of therapy working on these very issues (as well as others), I heartily agree!

  t
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  kls

  Talesin, we have have felt the things the you have ,it all comes from finding that you were conned and lied to and that at one time the jws were our life and death,then the vale falls off and their real identity come's through, it is nothing but a shock to the brain that is hard to grasp. I do remember when you first came here and you did have much anger but as time went by it seemed to subside. You along with all of us have the right to be angry with this cult for everything they have done to us and are still doing to our loved ones.
  
  
  Glad to have you here.
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  talesin

  kls

  I was looking at some old posts a few weeks ago, and was surprised at how differently I feel now. Thank you for noticing; I'm glad the difference shows. :)

  "it is nothing but a shock to the brain"

  Yes, I have always had a hard time accessing my anger, and was shocked by how angry I was last year. The rage was all-consuming for a while. Once I sat back and thought about it in April, though, it all came clear. Thanks to all you folk. :D I am honoured to be a member of this tribe.
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  kls

  Emperor? Why am i only Jedi and you made Emperor? Ummm,something sounds fishie to me. Who are you paying does it cost much?
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  sinamongurl

  Talesin--

  thanks for sharing. Im just beginning. I hope to get to where you are one day soon.

  Sin
• 

  willyloman

  talesin:

  It's been a year for me as well, and like you I've been on a fascinating journey much too long and involved to recount here (I mean, it's not like I can't talk for hours if allowed to do so... it's just that I am recovering from majory surgery and am having trouble stringing two coherent thoughts together).

  When I get better, I will attempt to summarize the past 12 months, which began with me as a JW elder of long standing and ended with my whole family taking firm steps to shed the WTS.

  Not that the story has an ending... yet. It's still unfolding. This past week has been full of surprises that have tested my new found convictions (so far, they are intact). I just want to second what talesin said by thanking Simon, for making this whole thing possible, and all of you for making it live and work in such a practical way on a day to day basis. This has indeed been a place to learn and grow and heal. I can't imagine how many of us would have found the courage to follow our conscience if we had to do it alone. But we are not alone; JWD has provided us with an online "band of brothers."