Religions are basically extended families, with alternate parental figures and peers. When a religion becomes abusive, secretive and controlling, it is often labeled a cult. This article will help you understand part of the dynamic behind such abusive relationships. Courtesy of Carol Giambalvo.
Randy Watters
Recovery Article of the Month
Setting Boundaries in a Relationship
From Captive Hearts, Captive Minds by Madeleine Tobias and Janja Lalich, Chapter 10
Learning to recognize and set personal boundaries is an important postcult exercise. Because of the restrictions on privacy that exist in most cults, it is likely that your boundaries were violated time and again – until you lost a sense of which boundaries were appropriate.
Boundaries help define who we are, what separates us from the world. We all have a personal, private physical space that we are not comfortable sharing with just anyone. The same is true on a psychological level, and a significant part of maturing emotionally involves learning how to define and maintain these invisible boundaries.
For many, the cult replaced the family. If you came from a family with a history of alcohol or other substance abuse, severe medical or mental illness, divorce, domestic violence, or other trauma, then what you found in the cult may not have been very different from the environment in your family of origin. Arnold Markowitz and other professionals who work with families of cult members at the Cult Clinic in New York City have found that in many cases where there is a cult-affiliated family member, there is evidence of an “enmeshed” family. In enmeshed families, personal boundaries between members are ignored and overrun.
Relearning respect for personal boundaries – your own and others’ – ins a crucial task. For some, this may mean learning to be emotionally independent for the first time. Failure to achieve this personal autonomy may result in a series of unhealthy and potentially destructive relationships, or in cult hopping.
The following list describes boundary invasions that are physical, emotional, and sexual. The distinction between the individual and the group is blurred. There is a loss of a sense of self. Becoming familiar with these signs of unhealthy boundaries may help you unravel the cult experience as well as steer you away from similar dangers in the new relationships you may be forming.
Signs of unhealthy boundaries
· Telling all
· Talking on an intimate level at the first meeting
· Being overwhelmed by and preoccupied with the group, leader, or other person
· Being sexual for others, not yourself
· Being asexual for others, not yourself
· Going against personal values or rights to please others
· Not noticing or disregarding when someone else displays inappropriate behavior
· Not noticing or disregarding when someone invades your boundaries
· Accepting foods, gifts, touch, or sex that you don’t want
· Being touched by another person without having been asked
· Giving as much as you can for the sake of giving
· Taking as much as you can for the sake of getting
· Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you
· Letting others direct your life
· Letting others define you
· Letting others describe your reality
· Believing others can anticipate your needs
· Believing you must anticipate others’ needs
· Practicing self-abuse, self-mortification
· Being subjected to sexual and physical abuse
· Living with food and sleep deprivation
· Being unable to separate your needs from others’ needs
The checklist below may also help you to evaluate your cult experience. How many items describe your cult experience? How many describe the new relationships you are forming now? The more items you check, the more you need to examine these relationships and their potential destructiveness. When using the checklist, also ask yourself the following:
1. Were there signs of unhealthy boundaries in my own family? What were they?
2. what signs of unhealthy boundaries existed in the cult?
3. Did these things make it more difficult for me to realize that my rights were being infringed upon?
4. What do I need to do to make my family or personal life more positive and rewarding now?
Checklist for evaluating relationships
q I assume responsibility for the feelings and behaviors of the leader, group, or other person
q I have difficulty in identifying feelings; am I angry? Lonely? Sad? Scared? Joyful? Ashamed?
q I have difficulty expressing feelings
q I worry about how the group, leader, or other person might respond to my feeling or behaviors
q I am afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by the group, leader, or other person
q I am a perfectionist. I place too many expectations on myself. I have difficulty making decisions and I am glad that I don’t have to make many decisions in my relationship with the group, leader, or other person
q I tend to minimize, alter, or even deny the truth about how I feel
q Other people’s actions and attitudes tend to determine how I respond
q I put the group’s, leader’s, or other person’s wants and needs first, believing that their needs are more important than mine
q I am afraid of the group’s, leader’s, or other person’s feeling (e.g., anger) and that determines what I say and do
q I question or ignore my own values in order to be part of the group or relationship
q I value the group’s, leader’s, or other person’s opinions more than my own
q I judge everything I do, think, or say harshly, by the group’s, leader’s, or other person’s standards; rarely is anything I have done, said, or thought good enough
q I believe that it is not okay to talk about problems outside the group or relationship
q I remain steadfastly loyal even when the loyalty is hard to justify and is personally harmful
q I believe the group, leader or other person knows what is best for me
q I believe the group or relationship is more important than my family or friends
q I believe the group, leader, or other person cares more about me than my family or friends do
q I believe the group. Leader, or other person has my interests at heart even when I don’t understand how
q Everything that is good and right is due to the other person, the leader, or the group’s philosophy
q Everything that is wrong or bad is my fault
Comments, questions, and suggestions: email us!
reFOCUS, P.O. Box 2180 , Flagler Beach , FL 32136 904-439-7541
Web site: http://www.refocus.org
The reFOCUS Board of Directors consists of:
Carol Giambalvo, President/Secretary
Rick Seelhoff , Vice President
Mary Krawiec, Treasurer
David Clark
Maureen Griffo
Nancy Miquelon
Vanessa Weber
Advisor: Madeleine Tobias
Email: [email protected] or [email protected]