Trust

by joelbear 15 Replies latest jw friends

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  joelbear

  I used to trust everybody. I really still do give most institutions and people the benefit of the doubt although I am let down 95% of the time.

  People do not seem to value the trust that other people put in them. They cast it away quite easily.

  This goes for as simple a thing as trying to be somewhere when you said you would to being there for someone you have claimed as a friend when they are going through their darkest moments.

  I trusted Jehovah's Witnesses both at the institutional level and personal level. This trust went clear to my bones. It was a deep felt trust. It was an all embracing trust. Maybe that is why 15 years later I'm still aching over the loss. When the trust tumbled it tumbled far.

  Replacing that trust in something else I have never given much thought to putting trust in myself. I don't trust myself to change a tire or do other simple chores around the house. Others see it as laziness, but it goes deeper than that. I truly fear failure at even simple things.

  I know that I need to start exercising my self esteem muscle. Reading your replies to my other 2 postings have given me much food for thought. I do need to start seeing my counselor again. Whenever I am seeing him, I am mentally healthier.

  I have tried listed my accomplishments and concentrating on the good times I have had over the years but it just doesn't seem to stick.

  I need to try harder I think.

  I do trust Mitch. He is the only person who has always been there no matter how dark things got. I am going to make another post to introduce you all to him a bit.
• 

  cruzanheart

  Hi, joelbear! You are doing some positive things for yourself, and that's great. I'll look forward to meeting Mitch in cyberspace!

  Lots of hugs,

  Nina
• 

  SheilaM

  Joel:

  I too have mega trust issues, ask Robdar LOLShe has been wonderful but I have been kicked in the teeth so many times. I just feel like a fool when I trust again and end up in the same s****y situatiion. I have explained this to her and she has been great understanding (I hope). IT becomes safer to just not trust anyone, but then again that is not a very fufilling life. I tend to at school be kind, offer help, type papers for the kids and I even made a kid in my sculpture class a scarf. When asked why I do these things I just say "cause they asked me". But, I feel more comfortable doing these things than trying to form friendships. mean realistically I am almost 40, most people have friends more than enough friends so I feel that this may not be a path for me.

  As for you although I have a lack of friends I still push myself, my poetry my decorating my home, my friggin beautiful flower garden. Thunder was in the yard and a little boy about 7 rode by on his bicycle and said "man you have a great yard." These are the things I take delight in. Yes, I get bummed when I see groups of friends and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I have never had that . But, I still know I am kind, gentle and loving etc. Realize your strengths mourn your weakensses and enjoy life.

  And for GODS SAKE KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON ROFLMAO <Just kidding

  <of the trying to lightnen the moment class>
• 

  Gopher

  People do not seem to value the trust that other people put in them. They cast it away quite easily.

  That's so sad. I think it depends on the appreciation and the maturity level of the person with whom you are entrusting something.

  In any event, your own self-esteem should hinge on whether YOU held up YOUR end of any given arrangement or not. If you did the very best you could, and acted in the most trustworthy way, then you are a winner.

  Now -- if the other person is such a loser that they don't appreciate your trust in them, and they fail to hold up THEIR end of the bargain, well that should only affect how you feel about them! But in no way does it mean you, by association or derivation, are also deficient.

  You are a good person, Joel. You're kind and caring. You've also made a success of yourself in the banking industry. You are one whom others can trust. Good people will realize this. Others can go fish.

  If counselling helps get you over the hump, I hope you'll take the time to go get it. But in any case feel free to feel good about yourself, no matter how others fail and let you down.
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  Shutterbug

  Sheila, I suspect you have a lot more friends than you think, in fact, you probably have a number that post on this site. May I respectfully suggest you quit being so hard on yourself?? You have intelligence, wit, skills and most folks would be proud to call you a friend. Bug
• 

  Xena

  (((joelbear)))) good to see you around, I have missed you

  you are right it is amazing how many people betray trust without a single thought...or at least till they get caught at it or called on it...trust is a rare gift you give someone....and once lost very hard to regain. You have a good friend/partner in Mitch I am looking forward to getting to know him better!
• 

  Thunder Rider

  Joel,

  Sad as it may seem, life makes you vulnerable. Everyone gets a free shot. If you duck and cover too much you may miss out on meeting and becoming friends with some great people.

  I find that if I refrain from opening up fully to new friends, I don't feel as bad when and if they prove themselves to be unworthy of my friendship. I don't want this to come of as snobish or uppity, I just feel that what attentions I have to offer to my frineds need not be shared with those that wouldn't fully appreciate.

  Put some value in what you have to offer in all your relationships and you will find that others will respect that and if their intentions are less than pure they will not pursue your friendship, it will be too much effort for them. People that betray friendships are lazy. They exist by taking advantage of good hearted people and discard you as they get the whim.

  Sheila often, as she posted, comments on not having many friends. I think it is because she wants to please others too much. I tend to come off as if I don't give a flying flip whether I am liked or not and everyone loves me. Go figure. I hold my friends as dear to me and would never betray or abuse those relationships. They know that.

  Only you can decide who and who not to trust. Make people prove themselves.

  Shutterbug,

  Thanx for busting Sheila's chops. You are so right. She just won't believe me when I tell her. She has more friends than she knows.

  Thunder
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  SheilaM

  Well, guess you two told me LOL Thanks Shutter and Thunder
• 

  Lady Lee

  old-fogey-sounding-person here

  Trust needs to be earned. And boy have I learned that the hard way.

  I used to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Turn the other cheek and then the other and then the other - forgive and forgive ad nauseum. It didn't matter how many times I got hurt I just kept going back for more.

  Now I am older and I hope a lot wiser.

  I have learned to watch people. And to listen to them well. If I listen and watch carefully I will hear and see how they have treated others. That is a good hint for me about a person't trustworthiness.

  I have listened to those hurt feelings. And I take a step back - sometimes two or three sometimes a lot more.

  I have learned to assess situations and the difference between human error versus lack of caring and consideration. Human error gets another shot. Lack of consideration and caring don't.

  I have learned to express myself when my trust has been betrayed. If they listen they get another shot - but not another and another and another.

  I have learned from my mistakes in putting myself in front of the speeding train. It isn't a great place to be so I get off the tracks.

  If someone betrays my trust they now will have to work really hard to regain it.

  And anyone I mean anyone who says "Trust me" is carrying a huge warning sign so I read it and listen.

  My parents said Trust me Ha!

  The organization said Trust me Ha!ha!

  Fool me once shame on you . Fool me twice shame on me.

  I prefer to learn from those mistakes but they have been hard learned and I have a lot of gray hair to prove it.
• 

  Billygoat

  Joel,

  So many of your words I connect with. And other people's comments too!

  I find that if I refrain from opening up fully to new friends, I don't feel as bad when and if they prove themselves to be unworthy of my friendship. I don't want this to come of as snobish or uppity, I just feel that what attentions I have to offer to my frineds need not be shared with those that wouldn't fully appreciate.

  I know this may sounds funny, but this is where I think of that scripture "don't throw your pearls before swine". I am a pretty friendly and outgoing person, but in terms of gaining a close relationship with me takes a lot of time. Usually years.

  Trust needs to be earned. And boy have I learned that the hard way.

  I used to trust anyone who crossed my path. Now I'm the opposite. I know it sounds harsh, but I don't trust until you give me reason to trust. And if you gain it and then betray me, it takes even longer to gain it back than initially.