To me forgiving is not forgetting. Forgiving allows me to go on with my life. But forgetting is something different. It means to pardon a wrong. That's not always the right thing to do. Forgiving means to not hate the person who did the wrong and to not give the wrongdoer power over you.. But you can still want the person punished. Forgive & always forget, I don't. Do you?
Forgiving AND forgetting
by Jayson 10 Replies latest jw friends
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Introspection
I don't think of forgetting as pardoning a wrong, it just means I forget about it. Of course, if I can do anything about it like turning a criminal over to the authorities or somehow prevent others from being hurt by the wrongdoer, I will - then I forget about it. If after consideration there is nothing I can do under the circumstances, I forget about it - what I mean by that is I stop thinking about it. Sure the event may be in my memory somewhere, but what use is there for a memory to be brought up when you are not going to do anything with it? No sense in reliving it, so I'm talking about processing things on a cognitive (and emotional) level, but consciously and not a conditioned response so that you end up reacting when something similar happens in the future.
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Big Tex
If you forget then you will also forget the lesson learned (hopefully) in the experience.
I was under a great deal of pressure by the Witnesses to forgive (and then quickly forget) my abusers. In all honesty, I have done neither. I can't forgive until I can do it honestly and really mean it. I can't do that yet. It's not like I'm clutching it and won't let the experience go, but at the same time I just can't forgive what they did to me.
Try as I might, I certainly can't forget it.
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Introspection
I should clarify.. I think memory without understanding will only condition you to react with aversion, and in that case there is no lesson learned, only reactive behavior. I would also add that judgement about having not forgiven wouldn't do any good either. We all move through things in our own time, so much so that there is no need to consider that future point right now. In my experience the best way to move on is to fully experience what you feel now, without regard for the past experience or the prospect of it going away. I don't blame anyone if they don't want to have anything to do with someone that hurt them, but I say don't exclude any of your own feelings, have enough compassion for yourself to feel them.
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breal
I agree with Big Tex
Always found it amazing the societies push "forgive and forget" - yet I found it amazing that if one apologized/repented to elders it was enough...even if they never corrected wrongdoing or apologized to the person they had hurt/wronged.
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Thunder Rider
Never remove the knife from your back, it will remind the person who hurt you of their transgression!
Forgetting only benefits the transgressor.
Forgiving is understanding and dealing with the transgression and making the best of the rest of your life.
Thunder
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LyinEyes
Forgiving and forgetting is easier when someone is truly sorry for what they have done to you. I think forgetting to means means, you dont bring it up, you have let most of the pain go, and you are working on mending hurt paths.
Some you can forgive, even when they don't ask you to,,,,,,,,,, simply because of circumstances, we may not be able to talk to someone of the hurt they did to us,,,,,,, because they have passed away.
Example, my mother, who has passed, did some things to me that were hurtful, neglectful and just plain mean. But as I grew up , without her, learned a few things about being a mom , and saw my mother thru eyes of age, I began to loosen the grudge I had agaisnt her for so long. I saw her as someone that had alot of problems, but had some good qualities too. I think if she would have lived,,,,,,,she WOULD have tried really hard to make some things right with me, in her last days she did say things to make me think she was trying to do just that. So I have forgiven her for some of the things that she did, but I can not forget in the sense that I can not completely not remember it anymore. But for the most part, most of the things she did have been forgotten, because I have forgiven her. There are still some things I dont understand and these things are the things are harder to forget, because they are not settled.
On the other hand you may have someone who has never admitted they hurt you, keeps hurting you and you know they will never say they are sorry,,,,,,,, for these people it is hard to forgive and harder to forget.
I feel unless some effort is made by someone who has done you wrong, you are not under obligation to forgive them. I think you have to face up to the issues before you can even move on to the forgetting part. I am not talking about little misunderstandings, arguments, differnces of opinion, etc, I am talking about serious things that were done to you .
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Big Tex
Why do you suppose there is so much pressure, not just by Jehovah's Witnesses, but apparently by many Christian religions, to forgive? It seems as though many religious people will pressure you to forgive, rather than the offender (whatever they did) to ask for forgiveness.
Why so much pressure to forgive?
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Introspection
Good question Big Tex. I think it's the difference between doing things out of love and doing things out of judgement, that is to say they emphasize it because you are SUPPOSED TO forgive. I think if it's done out of love, the emphasis is on your well being, the one that was hurt.
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Sentinel
Though it wasn't easy, and it took a long time, I have been able to forgive many things that occured to me in my youth and also with the JW experience. But, forgetting takes a bit longer. I am working now on forgiving my mother for her continued shunning.
The more we "call up" an injury and "feel" it all over again, whether it be a triggered memory, or just relating the past to someone else, .., the more it will be a real part of us. It would be better if we remembered what we learned from the event and then move on. Sometimes, when we are stuck and can't seem to feel good about ourselves and our life, we tend to pull these negatives out of memory. The more we do that, the more they stay right with us; the more these feelings control us. Better to let them go and move on.
I believe that we never truly forget; we just learn not to purposely dwell on it, or bring up again, so that it affects us in a negative way. Our experiences are forged out of being hurt in many ways, and we grow by experiencing good and bad. This is life.
The past cannot be forgotten; but the future is whatever we wish it to be.