thoughts about miscarriage

by silentlambs 22 Replies latest jw friends

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  silentlambs

  I remember the date, May 15, 1991, it was the date my wife miscarried and a young life was lost. There was no funeral, few remarks of support. I will never forget the remark of my mother, “well it never was really a baby after all.”
  It was a baby, to my wife and I. It was a new life with a due date of October 10 that disappeared into oblivion. It seems no one wanted to talk about it, yet I could not forget the sadness we both had. Sometimes at a meeting a quiet tear would come, I’d clear my throat and pretend it was something else causing my nose to run. It was a grief that would rise and then fade in gentle waves of melancholy. I could not seem to get closure.
  A few years later, I woke on an early fall morning with rain pouring down and I felt an overwhelming sadness. In trying to understand why, I finally realized today was October 10th. I started to cry and could not stop. I had to do something, to say something to the grief, to say something to the baby and lost part of our lives. I wrote this simple poem that goes as follows:

  As raindrops fall I look out the window and think about you today,
  Sad memories of a life left unshared leave me not knowing what to say.

  We had a great start full of anticipation and an exciting future to spend together,
  But something went wrong, now you are gone and I am left with a loss that last forever.

  I wonder who you could have been and accomplished, what your appearance would be,
  Could you have been my daughter or my son, instead of a sad lost memory?

  I find consolation with those whose lives I share, but still, you I can’t forget,
  You would have been three today, a little life I helped to start, a person I never met.

  Life goes on, I must go on with it, but I just wanted you to know,
  You are a part of my heart that was lost, a love that follows me wherever I go.

  Dad

  After finishing the words I felt better, it was a type of closure, a way to say farewell to someone I never got to say it to. I share these words now for those who may have went through a similar experience as a way to come to terms with such a loss and help others to understand just because there is no funeral it does not do away with the sorrow and grief.
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  Esmeralda

  Silentlambs,

  I was just peeking to see what was up on the board and your post immediately caught my eye.

  I had my first miscarriage right around my 21st birthday (1992)...and the date is approaching again
  in a few weeks and so it has been on my mind. I always cry around the times that I lost my two babies, even
  though I have a beautiful daughter now. The elders words at the time only made me feel
  worse.

  I posted the journal entries that I wrote at the time at this URL:
  http://WTSurvivors.homestead.com/Requiem1.html

  If it's all right with you, I'd like to put this post up there too, as a male perspective. It would really
  mean a lot to me. Please let me know.

  I wish that I didn't understand the pain that you and your wife suffered as well as I do...as I know
  that many here will as well. Please give her an extra hug for me, and ask her to do the same
  for you on my behalf.

  Thank you for bringing up this topic that has effected so many of us.

  Love,
  Essie
• 

  regan

  That was a beautiful poem to your lost child. I too suffered a miscarriage on March 10, 2001. After having two normal pregnancies and two healthy sons, it was quite a shock to hubby and I. Right now I should be getting big and feeling kicks. Not anymore. I will always think of and miss that lost child.
• 

  teejay

  silentlambs,

  my firstborn just turned two. children always held a special
  place in my heart, but i never knew how deep my love for
  them could go until she was born. to have her leave my life
  for any reason would bring a pain i don't think i could endure.

  you and your wife have my condolences for your loss. i'm sure
  that it would be a loss that i would not get over. thanks for sharing.

  peace,
  todd
• 

  Jang

  That brought tears to my eyes too Bill.

  I had about 6 miscarriages (before 4 months) and lost a little boy at 5 1/2 months and a little girl at
  7 months. It was so hard coping at the time and even now when I sit and think about it I find
  it hard.

  When my daughter miscarried they gave her the little embryo to take and bury in her own way.
  She was able to have her own little memorial and put her baby to rest in a beautiful part of the country.

  I think that was so thoughful of the hospital (Catholic run). They do that with all the miscarriages.
  Even provide a special little container for them.

  Wish I could have give both of you a big, supportive hug at the time. Take it as given now.

  JanG
• 

  rhesa

  Thankyou for taking us with you and showing such courage for children among us today.
  I too, had a baby who lived and died beneath my heart. She was 7 months old and 2 months from her birthday. She took 25 hours to deliver. They put her in a lavender dress and booties with a bow on her curly black hair. She was perfect. I held her for as long as I could in my hands and let her lay on my chest. We named her Willow Rain. Willows are wild and free and beautiful like her and it was raining. That was March 2000.

  As I type, McKenna Rain is now sleeping in my lap. She was born February 22, 2001. Some day she can play in the shade of the tree.

  To Willow Rain who lives in my heart and my husband who is my strength.
• 

  rhesa

  ............the willow tree in the yard.
• 

  Skimmer

  As is well known, the Catholic church teaches that life begins at conception and so it understands the seriousness of a miscarriage. From the official catechism, section 1261:

  "As regards children who have died without Baptism, the church can only entrust them to the mercy of God, as she does in her funeral rites for them. Indeed the great mercy of God who desires that all men should be saved, and Jesus' tenderness toward children which caused him to say: 'Let the children come to me, do not hinder them,' allow us to hope that there is a way of salvation for children who have died without Baptism."

  There is an official blessing service for the parents of a miscarried child.

  More information: http://www.domestic-church.com/CONTENT.DCC/19991201/SCRMNTL/blssng_mscrg.htm
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  Had Enough

  How sad silentlambs!

  How sad that as JWs who claim to have such love for fellow man, that they can't find the words of sympathy one needs to hear at the loss of a loved one. They seem to feel they're not being spiritually strong and faithful to the resurrection promise if they express grief or sympathy. Many times attempts at condolences fall flat.

  I've been in both situations as a griever and as sympathizer and have wondered why the gathering at the hall seems to give the impression its just another meeting.

  Your poem was a true avenue of closure. I will remember those words for my son and his wife and the child they lost before birth like yours. It is a loss that doesn't go away..but can be soothed by calming, heartfelt words of understanding and caring.

  Thank you for sharing your heartbreak with us and my please know that my thoughts are with you and your wife.

  Hopefully the good that will come from your post will be that more are made aware of the need to be empathetic for those suffering a loss of an unborn child and to be conscious of the effect their words have.

  Had Enough
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  jezebel influence

  I too suffered an early miscarriage in 99.
  It was the scariest thing that has ever happend to me.
  I also think of the life that was,and wonder..

  Luckily we were blessed with another pregnancy 2mths after losing that baby,so my attention was turned to that.

  It does make you think about life and death more,and now I have a terrible fear of something happening to my two kids.

  Silentlambs thankyou for sharing that beautiful poem,
  It put tears in my eyes also..

  Withlove
  jez