Advice to the recently departed

by kenpodragon 10 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  kenpodragon

  I have been out of the religion for over six years now. In doing so, I think I have made my own share of mistakes and done my own measure of personal growth. What I was wondering though, if you were to tell someone who just left the religion the most important mistakes not to repeat, and the most important goals to strive for. What would they be? To get the ball rolling, I am going to include the ones I have learned from and enjoyed the most.

  Mistake to avoid

  Do not feel that just because you are now happy with your current location in life. That your relatives will understand and want to join you. Share in small amounts what you do, and what you learned. Never preach to them, and argue with the thought that one day you wont feel sorry for this. Because in reality, one day you will.

  Explore many religions, and do not try to live as a Witness just because it is all you know. Do not replace one bad religion, with another and be careful of people who try to tell you that you are wrong all the time. This is especially important when you first leave, as many people will see a former Witness as someone in deep need of being saved. Tread softly, ask questions, listen to your conscience, and take the lead in your own life.

  Goals to reach for

  Start a goal of learning about all the things that were forbidden to you. Apostate information is good, as it makes you feel stronger in this new life. Just remember there is a huge world out there that has nothing at all to do with Jehovah's Witnesses. Do your time with the Apostate stuff, but make equal or more time for learning about things you never heard of. Attend many churches if you want, and have a open mind for what is happening and do not tare scriptures apart. Do not settle on a new religion right away, give yourself a goal of going to at least 5 churches regularly and read books on faiths from Christianity to Buddhist.

  Get to know new people that have nothing to do with Witnesses. Ex-Jw's are great, but there are many other people to get to know well too. Sometimes we want to only talk to those we have the Ex-Jehovah's Witness thing in common with, and never move any further. There is a place for that in life, but there is a place for many other things too. Great places to meet people are charity causes, new hobbies, work, other churches, and even through other friends when they invite you along. Do not tire your new friends out with only talking about how much you are angry with Jehovah's Witnesses. Make a goal to make at least one new friend a month, and be open minded to people and not judgmental to their ways.

  Main thought to remember in all things "Keep a open mind and do not step out of one hole to only fall into another."

  This is what I have learned in my six years of exit, and I am passing on the highlights in this thread. I would love to have others place their life's wisdom on this thread as well. I think boards like this are visited often by people who never post, and they are just looking for advice of what to do, now that the Witnesses life is behind them. So show us what you have learned and benefit the world with your knowledge.

  My thought

  Dragon

  Edited by - kenpodragon on 28 October 2002 0:1:27
• 

  Prisca

  * Try to make new friends and business contacts before you leave. You'll need friends in the months and years after you leave, and it will be easier to make the transition out of the Borg if you have people you can call on if you get lonely or depressed.

  * Don't expect to know all the answers to everything. That is very much a JW-trait, thinking that we have to have all the answers. We don't. And that is part of what makes leaving so interesting, learning and making up your own mind about things, rather than have someone spoonfeed you information.

  * Start up a superannuation plan, if you haven't already got one. Start planning for the future and for your retirement.

  * Don't let JW relatives and friends make you feel guilty for leaving. You don't owe your life to anyone. If people try to emotionally blackmail you into going back, remember why you left in the first place. Politely ask them to respect your decisions just as you will respect theirs.

  * Don't make a hasty decision to DA or DF yourself. It is possible to do a quiet fade away if you plan things, and are able to keep your mouth shut sometimes. Whatever you decide to do, don't let other ex-jws tell you you've made the wrong decision. Do what is right for you.

  I've only been out for 3 years or so, but this is what I've learnt so far.
• 

  LyinEyes

  The advice given to me was to take a year off.... sit back and reflect.. take time for myself.

  That is what I have done. I have tried not to make any major life changes, other than d/a myself of course. I have tried to keep things as simple as possible and I am trying to stop and smell the roses a bit.

  I would pass that advice down to someone just getting out. Even studying too much can be overwhelming , trying to find out all the answers at once. It takes a long time to just find your true self after leaving the borg. So I halted alot of my soul searching , I have talked alot about my feelings on this board, but as far as any indept study of religious material , I havent tackled that yet.

  I had to realize that I am like a baby all over again, learning how to walk, baby steps all over again, in everything in my life.
• 

  Jigrigger

  Smoke a dube while getting a blow-job under the Christmas tree...

  Jrig
• 

  Iwasyoungonce

  I look at Jw's and ExJw's as alcholics and recovering alcholics. You can be ruined by addiction. You can be ruined by religion.

  For me in my family I had to take control of my life. (After all I am responsibile for it.) That meant a choice between constant gossip and backbiting, or standing up to it, and calling a lie a lie. I have never met so many people so ready to accept a lie. And I cut ties with prejudice.

  I have met some people who have no idea what "Unconditional love is." What can you say; Everything about me, and how I live is foriegn to them.

  So I just give them a hug. I tell them that they are free to make choices. Then I ask 2 questions. "What do you need." and "How can I help you?" Thats all. With that many people are able to help themselves, free themselves, and begin to learn who they are.

  I don't know how to balance a group like the Jw's if you will not submit. Yes, you can slip by, hide or pretend to be someone, or something your not. But I can't. I AM who I AM. I have no desire to be someone or something else. I love where I am in life and love what I do. I wish the same for everyone. And I hope you accept that you can have it all in life; So long as it is for your life. Try to change a JW? Instead I recomend going to a park and try to convert a tree. At least it has use for your breath.

  Black Propaganda...Well, East Germany fell like a heart attack. Such is the fate of all organizations built on fear and propaganda. Where and when we don't know.

  What would I say? I just did. Welcome all newbie's
• 

  Guest 77

  Iwasyoungonce. You hit the nail on the head. Enough of this preachy stuff and telling everyone what's best for THEM! Golf like life has variables. When I was born there was a tag attached to my ankle and it read, "Subject To Change!"

  Guest 77
• 

  Granny Linda

  Hey, Kenpo. Good morning young man

  Of course I wanted to check in before beginning my day of just living life...and it was good finding this particular thread. I've read some good sound suggestions already. "blow job under the christmas tree..." OMG. That's too funny

  Just adding my two cents I'd like to say that just because we've left a mind numbing existence that judges everyone and everything as "bad association" doesn't mean there isn't much to be on guard against. On the same note though, learning discernment (sounds so JW doesn't it) comes with experience...experience gained when we become an active participant in our own life rather then playing by the script written for us. And that adventure can take us down many roads we are not perpared for mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

  I could identify with the person writing about recovering addicts in general. That is my story and the true beginning of recovery from religious abuse. What I had to accept was that some are sicker then others. Nothing negative in that statement by any means. Speaking from personal experience only, I was one of the worst,or so it seemed looking back. I was totally unprepared for living life in the real grown up world. And my experience was that of taking the road of sex, drugs, alcohol...all the taboo issues from my JW days.

  I'm grateful that I survived, and know without a doubt that my career was a saving grace long before I found recovery. It was the means by which I could see some real self-worth, something so foreign to the majority of JW's.

  I learned it was ok to take risk. That the world would not fall a part, and I wasn't damned for getting involved in a number of "apostate" activities. Actually it allowed to me begin seeing the world for what it is...as diverse as each individual. Guess I would caution to take things a little slow at first. Get the feel for just being mentally unchained...the rest will follow. I just don't believe any god is gonna come smite our arse...although we soon learn about self responsibility.

  I've said it before, and I'll say it again; the symptoms that many suffer from as a result of our JW intanglement is no different than that of being raised around all types of human dysfunction. There are many people who can identify with our feelings - they are not all 'victims' of religious abuse by any stretch of the imagination.

  Be gentle with yourself...read, read, read. Listen, listen, listen to how others have journeyed before and come out survivers. Do your best to NOT take things personally. Whew! That was a biggy for me to overcome. And still at times, it ain't so good...just better then it used to be.

  You previous posters have mentioned so many positive things. It can seem overwhelming at times. Just being aware of who you are, where you'de like to be, can do wonders. Life has a way of bringing to us what is needed at the time. Boy, I've had so many great experiences that came from some very unexpected sources, but was, shall I say, "food at the proper time." It kept me from going back into the depths of despair where suicide was not an uncommon thought. But what the hell, eh. I'm just too nosey about what might be around the corner - and there is always someone out there having a much worse day then me. (Self-pity) is a very negative state of mind; how well I know! But that, like many other unbalanced emotions, and we have plenty of them when first finding recovery, can be overcome. Gratitude...cannot stress that enough. Ok, getting long winded here...

  We share our experience, strength, and hope. That's all we can do. Oh, and offer a sincere heartfelt welcome to those brave souls that are searching. Never give up! That's my only advice.

  Love ya'll

  granny
• 

  Shakita

  Kenpo:

  Thank you for this post. I am fairly new out with alot of conflicting feelings sometimes. I had contact with many congregations thoughout the 25 years of being associated with the witnesses. Our family made many friends during that time. Friends that we continue to bump into in our community. It seems like a endless struggle to keep your integrity and not go back to a life that you know is a lie. This is especially difficult when you have family members still in who you love very much.

  Prisca:

  So many good points you brought out. The one about expecting to know all the answers to everything...........I think I am coming to realize that I don't have to have all the answers-all the time. In accepting this, I think I will have more peace of mind. And, since we are just fading at this point, I think this will help with the turmoil of all the conflicting feelings over leaving.

  We have just, over the last few years, have started saving for our retirement. We always put our trust in the organization's lie that the new system would be here before we would need any kind of retirement money. Hah!!!!! While we put our faith in this hooky excuse of a religion, God's publishing company was getting filthy rich!!!!

  Thank you again Kenpo for your very thoughtful posts. Have a nice day!

  Mrs. Shakita
• 

  Darkhorse

  Very useful well, written advise which can be used in any walk of life.

  I know a JW who I believe is doing the fade (not attending meetings, services). Her life is busy with her children's school sports and activities (real hard-core JW's would not be letting their children associate with the worldly folks).

  How can you safely "fade" in a community where you are bound to run into members of your ex-cong at any time? I would imagine you would have to be more careful, on your guard as far as what would you say if you ran into cong members and they started asking you where have you been?

  If I were a JW I would definitely choose the "fading" method and ease on out and into living as Kenpo mentioned.
• 

  Prisca

  I would imagine you would have to be more careful, on your guard as far as what would you say if you ran into cong members and they started asking you where have you been?

  You don't owe anyone answers. If they ask you questions regarding where you've been and what you're doing now, be vague.

  "I'm still around" with a smile on your face will indicate that you're not prepared to hide in some corner. After all, if they were so concerned about you, wouldn't they have phoned or visited you?

  "I've been busy" will tell them that you're still an active member of the community, it's just that you've chosen to busy yourself with non-JW activities.

  And don't be afraid to smile. If you're happy with your life outside the JWs, then show it. Let them see that leaving the JWs doesn't cause misery, but relief.