WORLD OF XJWs - ESSAY
Pondering the many comments made in the last week about XJWs, one might wonder if we are obsessed with, and controlled indirectly by, our individual and collective Watchtower experiences. It may seem to some that we blame the Watchtower for every problem in our lives. This might appear true evaluating this at face value given the level of grief expressed or the effort of some to be of help or assistance to newer XJWs. Especially curious is when this is applied to a particular discussion forum. While critical evaluation is healthy, there is also the risk of this turning into simplistic categorizations leading to labels and judgmentalism.
What may be beneath the surface: In real life, we find that life is not only a matter of many shades of gray compared to a black and white, all-or-nothing perspective, but that life for any person is an entire spectrum of color, varying in shades and as complex as the infinite possibilities of color combinations. For example, the JWD forum, as a large group among many XJW forums, may be a good cross-section of the XJW world, given its over 5,200 registered participants from many nations. If we consider the larger view, maybe what we face and experience, express and discuss is close to normal and nothing to worry about for the most part.
On any given day we will see new threads about child molestation, injustice experienced at the hands of the JW Judicial Committees, or some who are still JWs just leaving the Watchtower organization. We have gender differences, wide age ranges, varying educational levels, various racial and ethnic backgrounds, and differing growth levels. On top of this are thousands of unique personality differences, each the product of unique experiences, circumstances, environment, and personal choices – all that contribute in one way or another to make each of our lives unique, through we share a common bond as former JWs.
Some XJWs have faced the blood issue, others have not. Some have been molested or are a parent of a victim, some have not been so affected. Some have been divorced, and some have long-lasting marriages. Some have been in prison for the religion, and many others have never even received more than a traffic ticket. Some have been shunned, while others seem to enjoy some family and friends in spite of the shunning policies of the religion. Some were raised JWs and that is all they have known, so upon leaving it, there may be greater uncertainty and confusion about what to do next. Others joined the religion with prior religious experience, but they may spend 20, 30, 40 or more years as JWs. This is a major chunk of their lives, requiring many years of adjustment. While others seem to move forward quickly, others suffer with continued angst and grief – likely they may have additional issues of clinical depression or substance abuse issues.
When a new thread appears – what does it mean? Once again, on the surface, another thread about some problems associated with our JW experiences may seem like just another complaint – obsessing once again over and over regarding some injustice or hurt ... and this may prompt others who have not yet commented to share in support or to express some similar experience, while others may repeat a similar experiences as a way to show support and understanding.
To me, what is taking place is that a unique individual is feeling comfortable in opening up about some issue important to their hearts – something about their JW experience may just be ‘clicking’ in their minds and starting to make sense, and the angst and grief finally have a path in which to emerge and for a moment trust others who have been there and really do understand.
Why then the group dynamics that appear to gang up on posters who offer critical views that seem to favor the Watchtower religion? This to me is about the most dicey part of this essay – for if we accept that each participant is a valued and unique individual with an inherent right to express him/herself freely – and we accept that discussion and debate are likewise an integral part of the forum – then must we always objectively accept criticism that attempts to mitigate some or a larger part of our Watchtower experience?
Comparatively, using the Divorced women illustration where the wife finds out that her seemingly good husband is really a drug dealer, involved in organized crime, and having many affairs – and now she is part of a talk therapy group of divorced women – and one of the women opens up to her and says, “Well, how can you complain so much, why your husband was still a good provider. You had a nice home, nice cars, lots of cloths and money ... certainly it seems you are blaming too much on him. Why not cut the man some slack?”
The other divorced women in the group speak up in defense of the one divorced women and start attacking the women who tried to express moderation toward the one woman’s ex-husband. Are they unfairly obsessed in a negative way toward the ex-husband, and thus being unfair to the one lone critic, or are they reasonably angry?
back to the XJW Forums: It seems that when some poster shows up to lend some favorable comments toward the Watchtower, there are some common components that tip posters as to what may be going on. 1) One type of poster makes no conciliatory remarks toward the XJWs, and this has been especially true when it comes to the issue of child molestation. The critics often berate the victims and plaintiffs as being unfair toward the Watchtower, and use unrealistic and/or unfair comparisons to make their point. They almost seem like JWs who are here to do nothing constructive, but rather heckle the regular participants. 2) Then, there is the poster who makes some fair criticism, and openly acknowledges the crime of shielding molesters, yet they inject some points to consider that may broaden the discussion, or present another fair perspective.
How does the XJW Forum respond? In the first case, the XJWs responding may feel that they have heard enough justification of the Watchtower in their life, and choose to hammer the critic with many strong objections, some even using ad hominem attacks (this normally not being constructive even if the counter-criticism is fair). And when confronted with concern for the victims, the critic may never address this, or even dismiss it. So, the respondents keep hammering away. And the thread grows with the potential to become a flame war. Other distant XJWs may begin to feel that the Forum participants have become an angry mob.
In the second scenario, I find that most comments are rational and fair. I think it was “Proplog2” who was posting a lot a while back with respect to treatment of the term “Cult” and also he posted some fair criticism regarding child molestation views. Yes, he got hammered, even by some long time posters who are highly respected. I thought the debate was nonetheless very healthy, and I personally miss Proplog2 and those like him who were willing to open the debate up to fair criticism. He evidently felt different and choose to leave the Forum.
What then are we about? Have we failed to move on? It seems to me that we are a fairly healthy group. No, we are not the small little cozy coffee clatch group of 1990 to 1995 ... the XJW world has grown, socially evolved, and continues to grow in unpredictable ways, with new dynamics being added here and there ... the shielding of pedophiles is the latest dynamic and will continue on for a while, as did the blood, shunning, and child custody issues have in the past.
We all endured to similar and differing ways a common bond of injustice upon realizing what the Watchtower religion was truly about. We all act and react in slightly different ways. Some have a lot of pain and grief, while others are supportive – yet this seems to be true in almost any type of support group – it is life. We are dealing with a abnormal situation, with very normal reactions. Each person is in their own unique time frame in dealing with this – so why should anyone sit back and judge us for this?
What subtly binds us to participate here? My own theory is not just that we are denied fair treatment by our former religion, but that we have been denied reasonable accountability – so that we can finally and totally let go (which is the root meaning of forgiveness. The Watchtower acts as if it has done nothing wrong and everything right and tells its members that we are all wrong. The recent media attention on the child molestation issue is not only about the victims, who are the most important focal point, but is also about each of us – because in a sense, this level of attention and resulting public support form our fellow country-persons is a form of validation and accountability – perhaps the only time and way that we may ever see such accountability. I may be in error, but I see it as a very healthy development, and something that will help in our individual and collective healing process.
Can we ever fully recover? I was watching an Oprah Winfrey show recently where the sister of Ronald Goldman, victim in the Simpson murder case, was asked if she was healing, getting over it, and moving on. Her comments were most telling, and seem to fit what XJWs may expect. She stated that you never really get over it, and never fully move on. Every family event, be it a wedding, birthday, Christmas, etc. you are ever conscience of the missing loved one ... they are not there to share and be a part of what might have been were they not murdered. What you learn is to cope, and live your life as best as you can.
When some posters tell us to get a life and move on, their advice is like the person who tells the clinically depressed, ‘Just pull yourself up by your boot-straps and move on, and get over it, and think positively.” – they do this without truly comprehending what clinical depression is – that you cannot just ‘get over it’ for it is an illness for life. It is no different than telling someone who lost their legs, “Why just grown new legs!, and move on!” Rather with depression, you learn to cope with therapy and medication. Yet, it is always there, lurking behind the scenes, ever-ready to remind you that not all is quite right – but, we can say, that is part of real life, for we have lived it. With lost limbs, the best you can hope for is a good artificial legs and therapy that will allow you to walk again, but you know deep down you will never run again – not as you would if your real legs were still there.
To everyone on JWD: You are all a good group of folks. We all do not always like one another, and we don’t always get along. Together, we hammer away at the Watchtower – yet, we are learning, and growing, and developing coping mechanisms. Some do this better and faster than others because of their personalities or circumstances, but none should feel somehow superior to others in this ... we are after all human ... and each needs our own space and time to do what we will do.
I love being here, not as anything more or less than anyone else. I just like being part of the group, one of the guys. I like to contribute, and I love to learn from you. You enrich and inspire me, and for that I am very grateful. When I left the organization, I was very proactive at first, trying to help people leave the organization. Then, I threw my hands up, and for about 3 years didn’t talk about anything JW, not reading the Bible or even praying. Then the Internet showed up on my PC ... and before long I was on all kinds of forums ... learning and discovering that I still have issues to address. The excellent research of AlanF, the humor of Farkel, the critical thinking of JanH, and the reasonable perspective of so many others helped me to grow, and inspired a desire to stick around and contribute what I can.
I am happy where I am at: I would not be here otherwise. Today, tens years after walking away from the Watchtower, I do not feel that I have a lot left to work through, though sometimes, some of you posts things that get my brains ticking and clanking in a new direction, and I discover something that I missed. It is not all-important that I garner every possible nuance of information to correct some misguided aspect of JW-ism – rather, it is just something that happens when it does, and I find it fun.
This is my choice, made with no pressure or demands from others in any way. I am here by conscious choice. This is the life I choose. It has its rewards, with very few down-sides. The worst down-side was the big blow-out early last March with several posters who chose to leave for their own reasons. I hated to seem them go, and I wish they would have stayed, or at least visited once in a while. Yes, I disagreed with some of their behavior, but all I wanted was to see them tone down some. The upside is sharing together with everyone in an equal way the wealth of information you offer, and the recent accountability that the Watchtower faces in the media. As with all things, this too will pass, yet while we have it, we can at least be happy that we saw it before the final curtain draws on our own lives.
I am happy to be out of the Watchtower. Yes, I wish in many ways that I had never been a JW ... then again, had I done something else, would it have been that much better or that much worse? Don’t know, and it is only speculation now. We are all who we are because of our lives and our choices and experiences – and we all have this common JW bond that will be with us for life – and I thank God that I have all of you to be with, share with, cry with, laugh with, and grow together, fight with, debate with, apologize to, and care about – and given all the colorful varieties in our lives, I suppose I would not want it any other way.