Well, I went back to the area of my old congregation yesterday. My daughter's best friend Amanda was getting married, and despite my trepidation, Amanda had begged me to show up and to dance a dance with her. So I couldn't say no. My trepidation was twofold; first, my ex-wife was going to be there, and after our messy divorce only six months ago, I had no desire to be anywhere where she was. Second, I know that she has been spreading lies about me among all our old friends. You see, our divorce was based upon HER adultery, but since she is still an active JW (having merely gotten her wrist slapped by the elders) and since I have abandoned the cult, it was very easy for her to convince everyone that I was the guilty party. In fact, she was spreading rumors that I was gay (I’m not), that I had a girlfriend when we were together (I didn’t), that I’m an apostate (welll…) etc. etc.
The wedding was on the town common, and that went ok. Amanda was raised in a JW home, and was never baptized, and her fiancé was a non-Witness, so the wedding could not, of course, be held at the Kingdom Hall. They were married by a judge at a public location, so a number from the congregation did show up, despite the dire warnings of impropriety that I understand were circulated by certain elders. The ex sat up front with her parents, I sat in the back. I did notice that several of my former friends seemed to be avoiding my glance, and that the rows immediately around me had failed to fill in, but I didn’t think too much of it at that point. After the ceremony, I went through the receiving line, congratulated everyone, walked directly to my car and left. I then drove around for an hour so that I wouldn’t have to hang out among that crowd for an unnecessary length of time.
When I arrived at the reception hall, the wedding party was already lining up outside. My daughter was in the wedding, and I got a smile from her by remarking that I had cut it a bit too close (she knew how I felt about the whole thing). I snuck by, and walked into the hall. Of course, my ex had parked her butt right at the first table inside the entrance, so you couldn’t walk into or out of the place without practically tripping over her. Sitting with her were her parents (who are wonderful people) and her brother and his companion, along with one of her friends. I walked past them without saying anything, and went to the other end of the hall to drop my card on the gift table. Coming back, I went through again, because I was looking for a men’s room. My ex’s brother smiled and waved, and I returned the greeting quietly. But just then, my ex’s father saw me and called me over to the table. I had not seen them since before the divorce began, so I went over, quickly said hello, gave my ex-mother-in-law a kiss, and walked away again. I could see my ex-wife fuming as I did so.
Meanwhile, I had begun to notice that most of the JW’s present were ignoring me. In a few cases, persons who had been good friends caught my eye, and then averted their gaze. Now, remember, I HAVE NOT been disfellowshipped or disassociated. Either these people had heard the lies that my ex was spreading around, or they assumed that, because we had gotten divorced, and she was still a JW and I wasn’t going to the Hall, that I must have been the guilty party and was probably df’ed. Alternately, I guess they might have heard that I was an apostate, probably from my ex as well.
Things were getting uncomfortable at this point; seating was tight, and since the Witnesses seemed to be shunning me, I had no desire to sit with any of them. Under ordinary circumstances I would have left, but I had promised Amanda that I’d dance with her at her wedding. I hung around the bar, strategically positioning myself so as to be behind a post where there was no direct line of sight to my ex. During this time, her brother came over, bought me a drink, and chatted with me for a few minutes. It was good seeing him again. As I was lined up at the bar, another JW, one whom I had driven to work with for several years after I got him a job where I worked, was right in front of me in line, but failed to acknowledge my existence. So after all this, I went looking for a seat, because after what seemed like an eternity, the wedding party was ready to come in. I found a table with only two couples at it, neither of whom I knew, and asked if it was ok to sit there. They said sure, I sat, and the procession started.
As the wedding party was entering, I glanced over to the table where my ex had been, and noticed that my former brother-in-law, who had bought me the drink, was now sitting alone with his companion. I wasn’t sure what that meant, but after the procession was over, my daughter came over and said, “You can go sit with Uncle B---, Mom left.” So I did. It seems my ex had thrown a hissy fit and stomped out of the reception. Why? Because I was there, and her family, which I had been part of for 23 years, and none of whom had seen me in over a year, was paying attention to me. She called her brother a “traitor”, complained about ‘being a victim,’ and made her parents (who had been invited to the wedding and had presumably brought a gift) leave without even having a meal.
A few words about my ex-wife’s ‘victimhood’: SHE was unfaithful to me, having had a dalliance with her massage therapist several years back. SHE used that affair, technically ‘porneia’ by the Society’s rules, to be approved by the elders to get a divorce. SHE moved out of the house. SHE filed for divorce. SHE took $10,500 from our savings account, leaving $3000 in it “so the mortgage would be paid for three months”. SHE then went back to get more, and was angry that I had closed out the account and transferred the remaining $3000 into an account in my own name. So angry, in fact, that SHE wrote herself checks on my credit cards totaling another $12,500. During the period of the divorce, my father passed away, leaving me about $40,000, from which I ended up having virtually nothing left, after paying off her credit card bills, giving her ANOTHER $10,000 as part of the divorce settlement, and after paying attorney fees. On top of that, she took virtually all of our furniture, and got $110 per week in alimony for life. The only thing that I got was the deed to the house, which has no equity because of the two mortgages on it, the second of which was incurred to pay off other credit cards she had run up. As if all that wasn’t enough, on her last trip through the house to pick up her last remaining personal items, she stole a small jewelry box that belonged to my mother, hiding it in a box that she was using to carry her things. The next morning, I discovered it missing and threatened to file a criminal complaint unless she returned it, which she did, claiming it had “accidentally” fallen into her box.
Despite all of the above, she is constantly crying “victim” to my daughter and others, and complaining what a raw deal she got in the divorce.
Anyway, back to the wedding story…
After my ex left, I continued to chat with my former brother-in-law and his friend. My daughter came over several times to see how I was doing, and on at least one occasion, she noticed that I was becoming increasingly agitated because of my former friends ignoring me. I think at that point she said something to someone, because the guy who had ignored me earlier at the bar came over and we chatted for a while. After that, my daughter came back and said that nobody was talking to me because many of the people there thought I was disfellowshipped. I growled, “I wonder where they got that idea?” and my daughter said, “Yeah, I wonder…” Obviously, my slanderous ex-wife had been at work again.
As the evening progressed, a few others trickled over to say hello, but many continued to ignore me. It astounds me how ready these people are to shun, even on the basis of unconfirmed rumor. And the thing is, it was mostly the more marginal Witnesses who were there. Not a single elder had attended, and the word had been spread in the local congregation that it was improper to attend because Amanda was marrying a “worldly” man. So the Witnesses who attended were largely the ones who didn’t much care what the organization said, but were prepared to do what they wanted to. Just the same, ignoring a former close friend on the basis of unfounded rumor seemed to come easily to many of them. I really think they LIKE to shun people, that it gives them a sense of individual power and superiority. How sick and twisted they are!
After an excruciatingly long time, the “official” dances were over, and general dancing began. On the first such dance, the beautiful little bride walked over to me and said, “May I have this dance?” I said, “You certainly may,” and proceeded to fulfill my promise to her. When it was over, I kissed Amanda, told her to be happy, congratulated her and the groom, hugged my daughter and shook my son-in-law’s hand, bid goodbye to my ex-brother-in-law and his friend, and left for home, angry and frustrated about an organization that teaches people to act in such an unloving and inhumane manner, and even more disturbed that I had allowed myself to be a part of such an organization for nearly 30 years.
By the time I got home, I had thoughts of consuming large quantities of Southern Comfort, something I almost never do, but was in the perfect mood for at the time. Fortunately, no sooner had I gotten home than my fiancée, the most wonderful woman in the world, called and talked me down. She reminded me that I was letting my ex and the cultists win by allowing myself to get so upset. I thank God that I have her; she’s so much smarter and levelheaded than I am…
And that’s really the happy ending to this story. This weekend’s events were a glitch, a blip on the radar screen, upsetting though they were. On October 7, I’m marrying the most wonderful woman in the world, my high school sweetheart rediscovered after more than 30 years, and leaving my JW life as no more than a bad memory. Occasionally, I wish that I had married my fiancée the first time; when I express that to her, she reminds me that I have a wonderful daughter, whom I wouldn’t trade for anything, and I realize that she’s right. The past is the past; no one can change it. We’ve come to where we are because of where we’ve been, and all we can do is go forward from here. After the hardest year of my life, I truly can say that I’ve never been happier than I am right now.