An Interview with An Administrator of JWZone.
By [SYN], [email protected]
Tuesday, 24 June, 2003
Note: For those who are not of a subtle bent of mind, this piece is a satire, and the author as such would certainly have a good laugh if an equivalent were done about himself on JWZone by any of their administrators, for what it’s worth…*g* No names, people, no names! Hey, if you Dub Trekkies want to do an interview with me, well, my email address is always open! Always! [email protected], I repeat! Take your best shot!Y’all should know by now that personal attacks are not my style…
A few days ago, Yours Truly managed to corner an Administrator in one of the quieter parts of the website that he administrates along with the help of about seven hundred and fifty moderators, JWZone. “The Zone” (or “Teh zOn3!!!!!111ROFLOMFG!!!!!!111” as it’s called by some of it’s younger members) is a Witness website with a stringent access policy – someone has to vouch for you so you can get in, just like a Swingers Club. Much like a Dub get-together, the Zone has its Elders, it’s Elderettes, and of course some young guys who feel like they’re in charge of everything. In a somewhat dramatic departure with tradition, the young men of JWZone almost without exception have more power than an average Elder, for they can delete you at will if they want, instead of just being able to tell you about it. Worse yet, they can delete what you say, which is like that part in the Matrix where Neo’s mouth disappears, only not as bad, because they can’t make a little electronic tapeworm invade your lower digestive system. At least, not yet.
Truly, all the evil Elders in the world wish that they had this amazing power of being able to boot people out of the digital Congregation with a keystroke instead of going through a prolonged, painful process involving lurid, steamy Judicial Committee Meetings as well as re-reading the notes afterwards for extra insight into the Spiritual Status of promiscuous young Sisters!
Mr. Administrator was more than happy to speak with us – he is of the New School (as opposed to the First and Second School) of Witnesses, ones who simultaneously agree with the Society’s strict rules about Using The Internet (which can be summarized as “NO!”) and also post on Witness discussion boards of their own creation. Herewith follows the conversation I had with him:
SYN: Hi Dan! We’re here today to discuss several issues pertaining to, amongst other things, your discussion board, Simon’s discussion board, and of course, Corridor Cuties.
Admin: Hi SYN! Hey, you have a really odd nick! Does it mean “SIN” by any chance?
SYN: Nope. It actually stands for the command that initiates a TCP/IP transaction, but that’s all beside the point. Mr. Admin, we both know why we’re sitting here talking today. I want to present you with two pills, a red one, and a blue one.
Admin: SYN, you of all people should know that I don’t do drugs.
SYN: They’re not drugs! The red pill is part of a search program that will help us locate your body in the Truth. It’s a bit like Google, but with less text and more edible plastic. The blue pill is paracetomol, to help you with the headaches your site will soon be giving you. So which one will it be? Freedom from the Truth or headaches?
Admin: That’s a tough choice, SYN. Do I get to use my lifelines for this one? I’d like to have a chat with Counselor Troi if at all possible…
SYN: Mr. Admin, nobody can be told what the Truth is – they have to go to a Convention and experience sitting on a hard plastic chair in the middle of a pack of sweaty guys in suits for an entire weekend themselves.
Admin: Does the red pill contain blood? Please say it doesn’t. You know Witnesses may not take whole blood, only fractions! Or at least, for the foreseeable next few years until the Governing Body finally bows to those damn Apostates and quietly gets rid of the whole doctrine!
SYN: No, there’s no blood in here, only some leftover Memorial Wine. I couldn’t find anything else to make the pill red, to be honest. The blue one was much easier – toothpaste did the trick. Hey, at least your teeth will be clean while the Truth has you, am I right?
Admin: You said we were going to talk about Corridor Cuties!
SYN: That I did. My oh my, I think I got sidetracked. So, in the inestimable opinion of Mr. Admin, what is the deal with these Corridor Cuties that I hear the District Overseers are expunging with such lamentable enthusiasm?
Mr. Admin: Well, OK, you could say I’m an authority on the subject. Hell, any post-puberty male in the Society is. Your basic Corridor Cutie is essentially a Cutie who is in a Corridor, being, erm, Cute. We’re very proud of our Sisters, you know, even though we make them wear dishcloths in the presence of male babies and compare them to cows. You know, not all of us agree with the Society’s pre-eminent view that women are like cows in heat. Some of the more radical, free-thinking Witnesses you will encounter believe Sisters actually like woodpeckers! HAHAHAHA! Get it? They’ve figured out how to flaunt their deliciously feminine bodies whilst at the same time toeing the Party Line that the Elders feed them so monotonously every second day or so at the Hall! Wow! Such incredible, non-manly, non-divine ingenuity should probably be rewarded with a smaller dishcloth or something, if you ask me!
SYN: (moves closer) How exactly do they flaunt their deliciously feminine bodies?
Mr. Admin: It’s actually rather clever, considering how they’re women and all. The official belief of the Society is that modest dress is anything starting above the nape of the neck and ending below the ankles. What the Sisters have done is to actually take that generally garish, flower-printed tube of cloth they are all basically forced to wear and tighten it, until it becomes like the skin of a sausage. Which is a divine providence from Jehover, if you want my opinion on the matter. Best of all, the Elders can’t carp on at them about modest dress, because they’re already dressed super-modestly! The only problem with that is if they make the legs of their dresses too tight, like those little pencil skirt jobs, then they have to sort of waddle around like penguins, and they can’t turn very quickly either, which makes it hard for them to spot eligible Brothers in Good Standing for marriage and so forth, the poor things.
SYN: What is your opinion of the Blood Doctrine, Mr. Admin?
Mr. Admin: Wait, I want to do my best impression of a Governing Body Member for this answer: “Blood Doctrine? What Blood Doctrine? We don’t have no steenking Blood Doctrine! You must be crezee!”
SYN: Ah, I see. So, are you indirectly saying that the Governing Body will probably make the Blood Doctrine a “conscience matter” within the next few years, in order to avoid the repercussions of huge numbers of class action lawsuits that could probably financially destroy them?
Mr. Admin: I’m not indirectly saying notheeng! You Apostates are always going on about little details, as if they make the whole religion a bad thing! Really, can’t you look at the Big Picture for a change? So what if we borrowed some books from the United Nations, killed a few Malawi nationals, put 6 million people through five plus hours of tortore every week, force them to go around selling publications without ever seeing a red cent for their efforts, and tell them that it will allow them to survive flocks of rabid budgies in the near future, after which they will live in a Paradise where lions eat grass and nobody who’s unmarried is allowed to bonk?
SYN: Whew, that’s quite a mouthful you have there, Mr. Admin. Let’s go over those points, one at a time, shall we?
Mr. Admin: It’s all Apostate Lies!
SYN: But, I haven’t even started a point-by-point breakdown of your statement yet!
Mr. Admin: But I know you were going to lie. They were all lies, Apostate Lies anyway, so what’s the use in discussing them? Even if the Truth were wrong, where else would you go?
SYN: Personally, I would go to the Wiccans. They rock, because they believe in the cool, totally grokkable concept of the non-vengeful Earth Goddess, plus they have those cool shindigs where loads of women jam under the naked moon. But then again, I don’t understand their teachings or anything. Why does the moon have to be naked? Isn’t it technically naked already? But anyway, I’m the one asking the questions here, unless you feel up to doing a counter-interview that will be shamelessly posted across at least 3 different XJW boards, with comments! So, let’s get back on track. What do you think of Simon’s site? You know, JWD?
Mr. Admin: Well, my impeccable sources inform me that the server itself is located in the outskirts of Gehenna. I dunno, Simon must pay a lot of bills for things like melted routers. At least Satan does stuff like keeping the network running and so forth, he’s strange like that. Apparently Gehenna has a lot going for it, network-topology-wise.
SYN: I meant the site itself, and it’s contents.
Mr. Admin: Oh, ASP.NET is definitely a big improvement if you ask me. I like it a lot. In fact, if the Elders don’t forcibly shut down JWZone by unplugging the server while I’m out in Field Service, I might even upgrade to it someday!
SYN: You’re avoiding the question, Mr. Admin.
Mr. Admin: FINE! You asked for the Truth, and now you’ll get it! There is nothing any half-informed poster on JWZone wants more than the fiery, possibly budgie-related destruction of that page that is host to the very hellspawn of Satan himself! Why, oh why does that evil site get a hundred times more hits in a day than JWZone does in a month? (sobbing) Why can’t our site be that popular? (weeping) Why do we only get more than six hits a day when they LINK to us?
SYN: Now, now, Mr. Admin. Remember, real Witness men don’t cry, they use hard liquor. I’ve truly enjoyed talking with you, which is strange, considering as how I’ll probably never get to do it, unless you quit being a Witness already and become an Apostate in Good Standing. In which case, you will always be welcome you-know-where! Tata!
Mr. Admin: Farewell, evil cloven-hooved child of Lucifer.