Young Brother Judged as Fornicator by Secret Judicial Meeting - Pleads Guilty
Intercourse, Pennsylvania - In events which will certainly resonate throughout the unified consciousness of the entire Dub hive-mind, a group of 3 men wearing cheap suits and driving what appeared to be late-model early 90s vehicles were seen pulling into the parking lot of the Intercourse Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses Wednesday evening right after the Field Service arrangement. The men were seen leaving the car by two other Witnesses who happened to be driving past at the time. According to these Witnesses, who wish to remain anonymous due to fears for their Spiritual lives, the men were carrying large leather suitcases filled with heavy objects, possibly weapons or other dangerous items, such as Oprah Book Club selections from the past month.
Our Witnesses further stated that the men entered the Kingdom Hall and locked the doors, then proceeded to tape up the windows and conduct a secret meeting inside. 5 minutes later, the Elders left the Kingdom Hall, still carrying their suitcases, and proceeded to get into their cars and leave the location.
On Thursday evening, right after the end of the Theocratic Ministry "School", the Intercourse Congregation of Jehovah's Witnesses was shocked to hear the announcement that Brother Percival "Flippy" Jones, AKA That One Brother Who Is Weak In The Truth, and Sister Betty "Pioneer Eater" Marshall had been reproved by the Elders. Eyewitness accounts lead us to believe that many surprised glances were exchanged between Percival and Betty, and that the entire Congregation began tittering softly as they put one and one together to form a rather eventful union between the two suddenly exposed Publishers.
Questioned after the fateful meeting that will forever remain sealed in a little envelope in the Library under lock and key along with all the child molester information, Brother Percival spoke to us about his side of events:
News Reporter: "Brother Percival, what exactly could have caused this Judgement to be passed down from on high?"
Percival "Flippy" Jones: "Well, it didn't come as such a big surprise. It seems that old "Pioneer Eater" Marshall has gone and well and truly tattled her arse off to a mature Sister, who in turn tattled HER arse off to another mature Sister, until eventually, 200 mature Sisters later, the "news" reached an unfortunate Elder".
News Reporter: "And what was that news, Flip, er, Percival?"
Percival "Flippy" Jones: "From what I found out from the grapevine, she told a mature Sister that while I was driving her home from the meeting one night, I reached over to get my shades out of the glove compartment, and then the car hit an icy patch and swerved, and my hand happened to make contact with her left breast!"
News Reporter: "What was the reaction of the Elder who found out about this?"
Percival "Flippy" Jones: "Well, they summoned me to the Library right after the next meeting, and then all 6 of them sat down at this big round table, and I had to sit on this broken chair in front of them. Then the questions started."
News Reporter: "What kind of questions, Perciflip?"
Percival "Flippy" Jones: "They asked stuff like, 'Did you "caress" her breast, Brother? Did you feel her skin at any time? Was her nipple erect? Was she on top? Did she have an orgasm?"
News Reporter: "And what were your answers to their questions?"
Percival "Flippy" Jones: "That didn't matter."
News Reporter: "And what happened after that?"
Percival "Flippy" Jones: "They said I was guilty of fornication, and then they asked Sister Marshall to enter the Library too. She was in there for a good while longer than me, and when they all came out, the Elders were looking very flushed about the faces, and I swear the one was walking funny so that he wouldn't face towards us."
Evidently from these eyewitness accounts, it seems that a gross misjustice occurred. Was it really fornication? Was Sister "Pioneer Eater" Marshall really fornicating with this young, virile Brother Flippy? The Elders were not available for comment, but did leave us a few Watchtowers and Awake! magazines when we tried to get a hold of them.
Edited by - SYN on 31 July 2002 18:4:34