IN LOVE & CONFUSED

by unique 36 Replies latest social relationships

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  unique

  Here is my dilemma - short and to the point, need advice.

  I met a man several months ago who is JW and we hit it off from the first night we met - (met in lounge) - and then spoke to him on a few occasions. He admitted to me the first night we went out that he was married, at first I wasn't sure if I should pursue this, then he just swept me off my feet. We have been intimate with each other on several occasions, and we have even taken holidays together. I am head over heels in love with this man. He says that his marriage is over, he just says it isn't that easy to leave.

  He has distant himself from the JW - he does not attend meetings, attend conventions, or even study with his family. He has made the elders, and his family aware that he doesn't agree with several things and that it isn't for him. He wears cologne, jeans, grows a goutee, drinks, has the occasional cigarette, attends and participates in social activities with worldly people/organizations. Since we have been dating, I have had to poke and prod for him to communicate with me. Is this something JW doesn't want members to do - communicate? He is good at keeping things locked up inside, but with my coaxing he is starting to blossom. I know he loves me, and I tell him right now I am comfortable with the situation the way it is because it is convenient. I get perks from the relationship as well besides intimacy.

  He really is a wonderful man, he has little faith in himself though, he is so surprised that I could love him so much, that I would even try to learn about JW to try and understand issues that he faces or that are standing in his way.

  I am curious to know is JW different in Canada than the US? If so how? As well Im not asking whether I should run or not - my decision to standby him is definate - his biggest fear is that if he leaves the JW that he will be alone, and I have reassured him that he won't be .

  Why hasn't the JW disfellowshipped him? It's obvious to me by his actions that he has and is definately rebelling this has been going on for several months now. Are Elders blind?
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  gitasatsangha

  he may not be a baptized Jehovahs Witness. Its possible to be associated with the Jehovahs Witnesses and be thought of as one, but until you are initiated (Baptized), you really are not one. And until you are you can't be officlally disfellowshipped. You can be labelled inappropriate association, but if someone has faded away from JW meetings and so forth for a long time, its not with the congregations time to do anything about it.
• 

  unique

  OK I am certain he is baptized - never really asked I will tonight though, I am assuming he is though because his entire family is JW, including mother, sister etc.

  So what happens really when you are disfellowshipped? who decides?

  Or what ramifications are his children facing/wife right now with him rebelling and disassociating himself from the organization right now?

  HELP....I want insight. I need to understand this man.
• 

  kls

  Welcome,if you go through posts there are many having the same problem and there is lot's of information for you. There seems to be alot of these jws dating wordly people.
• 

  Satanus

  It is difficult to leave jws. Do he and his wife have kids? He may be a good candidate for deprogrammation. This is a big difficult job. Actually, it will be a difficult road to where it might work out for you two.

  Many jws have had their eyes opened about their religion by reading a book called 'crisis of conscience' by ray franz. If you do suggest it to him, it might be good to ask first if he has heard of ray franz. You see, he was the equivalent of one of the members of board of directors for the wt. He was thrown out because of having some private thoughts that were discovered by the other member directors. He begged for mercy from the others, but was cast out, without mercy. In the end, he wrote the above named book about his experiences. Good luck.

  S
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  unique

  I have read other posts, and have found them helpful in understanding.

  However, I guess one thing that puzzles me is:

  I realize that JW is world wide - what are some rules that apply to Americans that don't to Canadians or vice versa. I am from Canada, and most replies or issues that have been raised have been by people from the US or Great Britain. I found a site that listed things JWs couldn't do, or things they could do but would be looked down on, and it was American. I questioned him about some of these and he stated that some of them were false - which is why I am curious is there a difference??
• 

  Emma

  If he's disfellowshiped his family will likely shun him. He will live with enormous guilt about being unfaithful to his wife, his family, and what he thinks of as "God's" organization. He knows what he is doing with you is "wrong" and the negative emotions will surround him. You may eventually be blamed for breaking up his family and his relationship with his god.

  I'm sure there are examples out there where situations such as yours have worked out but if you're determined to follow this path, just be sure you're prepared for every eventuality. The witnesses do not know unconditional love. In fact, they deny that there is any such thing. This will make it hard for him to ever trust it will be something you can give.
• 

  Satanus

  Unique

  I questioned him about some of these and he stated that some of them were false - which is why I am curious is there a difference??

  Can you be more precise? I don't think that it varies from country to country. What is happening is that the wt is changing some rules, because of legal aspects.

  Btw, i am also in canada. Montreal, to be exact.

  S
• 

  iiz2cool

  his biggest fear is that if he leaves the JW that he will be alone,

  I think he would benefit from coming to this board. There are a lot of people here who can relate to his situation, and yours.

  As for the JWs, things are done much the same way in Canada as the US. (stupidity knows no boundries) I'm in Toronto, and I've found the way elders deal with matters (or avoid dealing with them) can vary slightly from one congregation to another. But the end result is usually the same. If a person doesn't manage to fade successfully they will find a way to DF him. Some elder bodies just take a bit longer than others. I was going to try to fade last year, but the elders were nagging me too much so I DA'd. Marriage broke up a few months later.

  Welcome to the board!

  Walter
• 

  unique

  Satanus-

  Thanks that is appreciated. I have heard about the book.

  Yes he has two daughters, he has sat them down and let them know that he is not attending meetings etc with them, they have been asked questions by other children as to where their father is? why doesn' t he come to meetings with you etc. It is hard on them.

  What is deprogramming (self-explanatory)? How does it work? I do agree that he is a good candidate.

  I should also let you know that we have celebrated easter, birthdays, and valentines day with each other exchanging cards, gifts, and flowers.