Here is another "solution" on an ongoing series I am developing to help "Unbelieving Mates", or UBM's, to reach their JW partner. Each "solution" is part of a toolkit of ideas that the UBM can modify for their situation. I am a natural strategist, so it was fairly easy for me to come up with ideas and a plan, based on the temperament and personality of my JW partner. This planning and strategizing may not come as easily to others. So I'm writing it all down, for those who follow.
I understand that some of you have tried everything and failed. In the end, we cannot reform someone else in to something they don't want to be. But if, in the off chance, you have a JW partner who wants to exit (they may just not know that yet), these strategies may just do the trick.
Opening Story:T
The routine was pretty well set these days; Book Study on Tuesday night, Service Meeting on Thursday, field service Saturday morning, and the Public Talk on Sunday. I'd adjusted my own expectations and learned to entertain myself the nights he was gone. Even so, I could see the constant pressure to perform was getting to him. I hated it when he talked about having "nowhere else to go". With a schedule like that, he sure didn't have much time to develop outside friends and interests. I determined to engage him in as many outside activities as possible. "Hey, let's take a break and go to the dollar theatre tonight." We started going out on non-meeting nights, and they were a great time to be together and away from all responsibilities for a few hours.
One day he surprised me by suggesting a movie instead on a meeting night. He complained of a headache. He just couldn't make it to the meeting. I studied him cautiously, "Of course. It's not like you make it a habit. I am sure Jehovah understands". I was sad that I had to help him break through the massive guilt. But I helped him do it. A normal night. Inside, I cheered.
Context:
Add activities, people, and fun
to your JW's life so they have somewhere to go to when they are ready to leave.Problem:
It's not enough to tear down the Watchtower doctrine. The WTS is much more an anti-religion than a religion. Many converts are attracted to them because the WTS are openly critical of establishment. Witnesses are regularly told that there is "nowhere else to go". So even when they may entertain secret doubts, they stick to the endless grind of meetings, field service and conventions, well after their heart has gone out of it.
Often non-JW partners make the mistake of pouring all their energy in proving the Watchtower wrong. That's not enough. Minus zero and you have less than nothing. You also have to add positive alternatives to your JW's life, so that they have an understanding that they have something to go to.
Forces:
- The JW's week is packed with meetings and activities that isolate the JW. They have little time to establish outside interets.
- The WTBTS teaches that spiritual goals are superior to any other.
- The JW's are told that excessive entertainment and recreation get in the way of spiritual interests.
- Your JW will feel massive guilt for skipping a single meeting to go have "fun".
- JW's are taught that "worldly people" are not to be trusted. Any misunderstanding and your JW may choose to "shun" the "bad association". This makes friendship-building a challenge.
Essence of the Solution:
- Add fun activities outside of the WTBTS on non-meeting nights.
- Find mutual interests, and look for opportunities to add those interests to your week.
- When your JW partner is ready to start breaking the JW meeting, they may suggest doing something fun on meeting night. Be ready for it, and support your partner in their decision.
- Be sure to address the guilt, and reassure them that Jehovah understands.
More about the Solution:
The challenge might be in finding a mutual interest you might share.
Quiz your partner about their pre-JW life. Were there activities or hobbies they took part in that they've dropped since they became a witness? These activities, especially, will bring the pre-JW personality to the fore.
Here are some ideas, untested, that might work. Twentysomethings, help me out here, and give me some more suggestions! You are likely a whole bunch more fun than I am.
- Bowling (the nerdiness, the enthusiasm, the uniforms, the comaraderie. Don't they just remind you a little bit of the JW's? It seems to me that bowling clubs are a great way to be part of the community)
- An evening class at the community college.
- Bible study group (A challenge, since JW's are warned against them. But it worked for me. The added bonus is the group will support you and pray for you the days your partner is not there.)
- A sport like skiing, skating, swimming (can you tell I live in Canada?)
The second most critical moment is the first time your partner skips a meeting night to have fun. Look for signs of guilt on the day of, and several days following. Do your best to encourage them that they are not disappointing Jehovah to take a single day off. Don't get discouraged if your partner shows an extra spurt of zeal for a week or so. Their energy is from guilt, not enthusiasm. This is a good sign in the long run, as they are secretly admitting that fun night was, well, fun!
Resulting Context
:- This strategy probably is easier for couples without children. We've got lots of spare time on our hands. If you have children, you are going to have to be extra-creative in your time management.
- The WTS may have caught on to this strategy. Recent articles are critical of fun. (WT September 15, 2005, page 18, photograph and caption, "Does recreation often keep you from theocratic activites?" In the long run, however, this may still work on your favour. People can't run forever on empty batteries.
- It takes a considerable amount of energy and planning to maintain this strategy.
- Besides your best efforts, your JW partner may lose "worldly" friends as fast as you gain them.
- Keep an eye out for retaliatory guilt, and do your best to reassure your partner that an evening away here or there won't hurt.
Known Uses:
- Reduce the overpowering influence of the Watchtower society for an evening, get your old partner back temporarily.
- Provide "somewhere to go" when your partner is ready to divorce himself from the endless grind of meetings.