A Million Questions

ConcernedMom

Hi, I have been lurking at this site and a few other JW or XJW sites in search of some clarity but I am just getting more confused... My 15 year old daughter has been dating a 17 year old JW for about 2 1/2 months. He seems like a very nice kid--very shy (he is just starting to talk around me now...still not too much to my husband). His family has been very welcoming to my daughter (they've also invited my husband and I to come to dinner sometime soon..."sit on the deck, drink wine"...) They have not spoken about religion to her. She says that if they did not use the name "Jehovah" when they say grace, she would not notice anything different. (We are Catholic although not currently practising.) Shortly after they began dating, bf told my daughter that he was a JW. She asked if it was not wrong for him to be going out with her. He said it didn't matter because he isn't baptised. (Is this usually done at an earlier age that 17?) The rest of the family (including older brother, younger sister) go to meetings regularly but so far he has only had to go to 1 district assembly (I think that's what they called it). He was explaining to my DD that he is a "publisher" but has zero hours and has been at zero for a couple of years. (I haven't been able to find an explanation of how one gets to be different levels anywhere.) He will be going to the Kamloops convention--invited DD to come...she just laughed. He said they don't actually stay at the convention. He just finds his friends and they take off somewhere. She still declined... Oh yah...he also has a goatee. There are a lot of things I could ask you guys but the bottom line is that he doesn't seem like what I have read of as your typical JW. So is this just average teenage rebellion or is he just waiting for his opportunity to bolt?? Friends have warned me that they are welcoming her in because they are "looking for new blood". While I find that thought chilling, I don't really see her falling for it. She finds the whole organization pretty bizarre with their special names for everything (worldly, disfellowshipped, apostate, the truth etc.). She said it reminds her of Lord Of The Rings. They won't be swaying her with bible quotes. She feels it is just an old book that has no relevance to her life (despite or because of 9 years in Catholic school????) She is also freaked out by the whole blood issue (and scared that if anything happened when she was with them, she would be mistaken for a JW and not saved with a transfusion). I can just picture if they were in some little fender-bender and she ended up in ER with a minor sprain or something. She'd be screaming frantically "Give me blood! Give me blood!" The No Holidays rule also doesn't sit well with her. Anyway, I apologise that this is getting long. Thank you for any insite you might be able to share. Deb

ConcernedMom

Yikes!! What happened to all my paragraph breaks. Sorry if it's hard to read. Deb

outoftheorg

HI MOM.

STICK AROUND AND YOU WILL FIND SEVERAL PEOPLE WILL REPLY WITH THE INFO YOU NEED.

THERE IS A SEARCH FUNCTION ON THIS FORUM AND YOU CAN PUT IN THE SUBJECT WORD YOU WANT INFO ON AND IT WILL GIVE YOU THE LOCATION.

A LOT OF WHAT YOU STATED MAKES ME BELIEVE THAT THIS IS WHAT THE JW'S CALL A VERY WEAK FAMILY. "NOT FOLLOWING THE TEACHINGS FULLY" SUCH AS THE BEARD AND WELCOMING AN OUTSIDER TO THE FAMILY AS A GIRL FRIEND.

THE GOING TO AN ASSEMBLY AND NOT ATTENDING, RATHER GOING OUT FOR SOME FUN IS ALMOST UNHEARD OF.

I AM PUZZLED ABOUT ALL THIS.

WELCOME TO THE FORUM.

Outoftheorg

ApagaLaLuz

Concerned, first of all I am a bit confused about your situation. I would have naturally thought that his parents didnt know, but since you add that they have invited you over to the house, it doesnt quite all add up. although I have been out of the Jehovah's Witnesses for several years, I am still young enough to remember what dating as one was like. Simply put, JWs do NOT believe in recreational dating. Usually young ones only begin dating when out of highschool and in a position to get married and THEN only to other Jehovah's Witnesses. They use the scripture that says "marry only in The Lord" as their reasoning for this. And since they believe that THEY are the ONLY true religion then their religion would be the only one "in The Lord".

I wonder if this young man is baptized? I highly doubt it. As a Jehovah's Witness baptism is a key position. I also wonder if BOTH of his parents are baptized witnesses or are they perhaps only studying with them. Sometimes people who are only loosely connected to the witnesses still call themselves that. I can tell you if that if this is the case, the Jehovah's Witnesses would not recongnize them as one. Or it may be, like others on this board that their family is in a form of transition away from them. Perhaps you should ask him or your daughter about this.

I can also tell you that my family are still devoted Jehovah's Witnesses, and they have not met ANY of my boyfriends that were not Jehovah's Witnesses, including a long term boyfriend of 3 years.

XQsThaiPoes

the problem is about 15 years ago the heads of the watchtower dicided to face lift jws. They recanted a lot of teachings and basically turned it into almost a conservative church with weird names for normal christian stuff. Much like your catholic school daughter many jw youth like the are not devouted to the faith but some use it as a socal culb to hook up with their freinds.

Because the JWs are realing from all these changes spiritually many are just living normal lives. I bet the parents are nice people but are jw well wishers holding jw ideals but not considering it wrong not to fall short of them. Sort of jws in spirit that are just "burnt out". infact oddly burnt out is a popular phrase with jws. People tend to take vacantions from jwism then become strict and go back then burn out again. It is a tedious faith.

chevy i think she said he is 17 and not baptized.

jgnat

My local KH are missing the entire teen/young adult group. But there are young couples and a large contingent of seniors. Yes, these parents seem to be giving their boy a fairly long rope, and he is openly rebelling. Perhaps they have resigned themselves to letting this boy sow his wild oats now, in the hopes they can bring him back to the fold later.

My concern would be if your girl becomes seriously involved with this boy. Teens in love have been known to sacrifice a great deal (even their own identity) for the sake of their true love. IF she were to get serious with him, and he LATER decides to settle down and get serious about his faith, she might find out she has committed her life to a stranger.

But you know your daughter best. If she is highly opinionated and not easily swayed, there may not be much to worry about.

BTW, The morality of JW teens leaves much to be desired. They truly believe the "worldly" kids are doing all kinds of wild stuff, since that is what they have been told. When they rebel, they tend to sink farther and faster than a regular teen. Also, many behave well ONLY WHEN WATCHED, but act wildly elsewhere.

Simon

They put the pressure on later, trust me.

BTW: Have a look at the posts of "Concerned Mama" (snap !) who was in a similar situation.

Lehaa

Just be careful. This boy may be just rebelling or he may genuinely was out of The JW religon.

My advice talk to him about it and talk to his parents, see exactly they stand. Most JW will be happy to talk openly about it. Ask them all your question, especially as to where they stand on dating and JW marrying a NON JW.

They may have some concerns of ther own.

Lehaa.

Welcome to the board.

run dont walk

take your daughter and RUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i agree with the other poster, it doesn't add up, JW'S are not allowed to date others who are not in the organization, a big no-no, he may just be rebellious, or looking for a quick (i won't say it), and then go crying back to the elders that she enticed him into this terrible thing (sex).

Best not to get involved, unless, you can talk to him and his parents and family, to see how involved they are in the religion. And get some honest answers.

concerned mama

Hi Concerned Mom,

Oh my goodnesss, am I looking in a mirror??? My teenage daughter had a JW boyfriend for 2 and half years. Things got very confusing and messy. He was a very sweet, talented, smart kid, but, when push came to shove, he was JW. He also wasn't baptised, but I can tell you, that for SURE, he was not supposed to be involved with my daughter. No JW is supposed to associate with "worldly" people.

You are doing the right first steps by doing research. Is your daughter willing to do some too? JW guys tend not to be too forthcoming about "the truth "about how they are supposed to be behaving, and the rules they are supposed to be following. There are also lots of psychological consequences to being raised a JW that you should be aware of. You and I have lots to talk about! Because I was in such a similar situation, I have lots of bits and pieces of information that may be of help to you.

Because JWs aren't supposed to date for fun, only for marriage, things can get extremely intense emotionally, very quickly. As some of the others above have said, there is some things in your situation that are very odd. I would be very, very concerned.

By the way, have a look at this site:

http://members.aol.com/beyondjw/inlove

They might be young, but that doesn't mean they can't start to feel that they are "in love" . Then it is harder to your daughter to think straight and to think with her head and not her heart.

Please check your inbox( top left of page under your name). There may be a delay till my message gets there.

concerned mama

A Million Questions

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