Facing the inevitable....how will you handle it?

by Makena1 16 Replies latest social family

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  Makena1

  Or - how ARE you handling it?

  My subject is how we deal with getting older - realizing that we are headed in just one direction, aging and eventually dying.

  For most of us born after WWII, raised as JW's, we did not give a thought to getting older. My parents firmly believed that my brother, sister and I would experience the "great battle" before we finished high school or were old enough to get married and start our own families. Instead, we grew up, raised a family, saw our daughter graduate from high school 5 years ago, and have a son who will finish school in 3 more years.

  My purpose in this post is not to focus on the failed WT "end times" predictions, and how it negatively impacted us - but, rather, on how you cope with aging and the increased stress that can accompany the process.

  I just turned 47. I have been very fortunate to enjoy excellent health (appendicitis, and numerous sports injuries aside) all my life. I exercise regularly, eat and drink for the most part in moderation, and take no medications at the present time. My wife and enjoy a lot of activities together - tennis, surfing (boogie board), snorkeling, hiking, traveling, gardening etc. These activities, even when done less strenuously than we used to, take sometimes days instead of hours to "recover" from. When we play tennis, afterwards we joke that it's inevitable that we will come down with "tennis flu" the next couple of days in the form of aches, pains, muscle cramps etc.

  I have a great job, and work in an industry that I like. I have built up over the past 20 years a book of business that has rewarded me financially more than I ever would have dreamed when I was a full time pioneer, part time janitor.

  As thankful as I am for all of this, I worry/fret/agonize that my life is more than half over. There are so many things that I would like to do, learn about while I am still "relatively young".

  I could potentially sell everything, and retire, albeit modestly, within 2-3 years. That "dream" is possible, but not very realistic. No longer believing that Armageddon is right around the corner raises the certainty that I have to factor in the long term costs of retirement - especially medical care, prescriptions etc. I do not want to be a financial burden to my son, instead want to help him out as needed. So, I continue to work with no immediate end in sight, saving, investing and hoping I can find a measure of joy as I get older.

  My patience level at times is VERY low - I find myself easily frustrated doing some simple chores around the house. I shudder to think that if I am feeling this "cranky" in my mid-40's, what will I be like when I am 80? Hopefully I will learn how to cope, approach the aging process with some measure of dignity and joy. Maybe somewhere between the Jack Lemmon character in "Tuesday's with Morrie" and the Peter Boyle character in "Monster's Ball" (minus the bigotry of course).

  This topic, and related ones have been covered before by others here in one form or another. I suppose I am experiencing a borderline midlife crisis and just needed to write about it at the risk of sounding like a "whiner".

  Many of you folks, even some younger than me, have gone through some very difficult health problems. I would appreciate hearing how you are coping with "facing the inevitable".

  All best,

  Mak

  PS - here some interesting websites I came across that deals with age-related issues. This one says, you are not getting older - its just the stress related with aging:

  http://www.theindychannel.com/sh/health/stressbusters/health-stressbusters-20000922-105727.html

  This one says, I am getting older - but I am also getting better - guess I should ask my wife about that! LOL:

  http://www.warrenshepell.com/articles/olderbutbetter.html
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  larc

  Makena, Turning 40 was traumatic for me. I had an illnes, my father died that year and my mother found she had cancer, so I had a lot of reminders of the grim reaper. When I turned 50, I thought, hey this ain't so bad. When I turned 60 I thought, man I am happy to be alive. You mentioned being cranky at 47. I was cranky at 47 myself. Now, I am very mellow.
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  imissthedub

  I know exactly what you are talking about. I am 46 and my husband is 51. We are childless by choice, so don't have college or weddings to worry about. I had always been used to having the future stretching out before me endlessly. I would always have choices, always have a great body, my face would always look young, there was always time to try 1 million different careers.

  I have found success in a career but, of course, I sometimes worry that I should try others.

  Even though we have had tons more fun than many others....there are now things I probably won't ever try....downhill ski-ing (I need to drive for my work and I KNOW my body is less flexible than in 20's or 30's), and sailing for another. We could do whimpy sailing with people who already sail...but will never REALLY sail and I wish we would have. I think, though, that no matter what you do, you always panic about what you missed.

  I look in the mirror and see that I am no longer someone who could cause someone to drive thru a red light. Always you take your looks for granted. I am not complaining, and please do not tell me how shallow this is. I still look decent for my age...but that is just it.....for my age. Noone is gonna say "WOW" anymore. On one hand, that panics me. On the other hand, it is a blessing. Women are not as threatened by me and are actually nice. Men take me more seriously. People assume I may actually know something (finally have them fooled)

  I went thru a period where my hormones went nuts and I went nuts about it.....wanted sex about 4 times a day at age 45. I had never cheated on my husband, luv him dearly, and did not want to. But how do you tell a then 50 year old man (who was making luv to me daily) that once a day is not enough?!! Talk about putting pressure on an already good thing. So, brilliant me....I decided to have an online affair. It has been over for a year, my husband knew, I almost died from it...and he almost left me. However, now we are closer than ever and our sex life is even more fun.

  I don't know, I am ramlbing here. I just know what you are going thru and want to say you are not alone. I asked one woman who is 60 "Does one make it thru this or become warped?" And she said "A little of both, dear. A little of both."

  I worry about my body....I have something going on that makes it hard to exercise or do things like gardening (typical old people hobby) or anything.....I am scared. To top it off, my 82 year old mom lives with us. That makes me feel old. On one hand, I am glad for the time with her. On the other I wonder if I am losing valuable years we could be doing even more. We do go out of town alot and our sex life has not suffered (good sound proofing), but the responsibility weighs. Then, I think about her dying and feel guilty.

  I worry about my husband dying or getting sick and not being thankful enough for what we have had or have now. And how does one go on if the person you have been with since age 14 dies??? Do you give up and die too? Do u go crazy? Does life go on?

  The wierdest part, though, is how I have become invisable to so many people. To many people under 30 it is like I don't exist. I can have on a great outfit, great make-up and nice hair...have something somewhat witty to say....and I don't exist. Strange. I don't want them to find me sexy, but it would be nice for them to realize I am alive for goodness sake!!!

  Anyway, I think you will make it thru as we will.....and mostly.....man, isn't life great? The beauty of nature, the wonder of human relationships, and power of God. I am so thankful I was created, even though I spend alot of time worrying I am not experiecning enough.
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  mrs rocky2

  Good day Mak,

  This is almost a daily topic for Rocky and I, more so since his dad passed away last October. Rocky has never known anything outside of the WT beliefs. He is 46.Trying to redefine your belief system about death and dying is big. When we were gullible JWs everything was decided, carved out and defined. We didn't have to really think about it. But now there is no denying their teaching false hope.

  So, here is where I am. Jesus did not teach doctrine during his earthly ministry. He taught love, unconditional, self sacrificing love. Our heavenly father provided us with life (whether directly or indirectly, I do not know). The life he has given us is now. Our reality is now. I have to make the best of what I have now. If the heavenly powers have something more for me than that will be the icing on the cake. It would be presumptuous of me to tell our heavenly father what I should have after this life here is over. I am embracing my aging, every wrinkle, every gray hair. I can still move and stretch and breath and give. Yes, the body is changing - aches and pains exist where they didn't ten years ago. But denying the aging process doesn't make that go away.

  To really follow Jesus I have to express and show love everyday in a practical way. Think 'Good Samaritan' who helped someone traditionally his enemy. It has been a challenge to open up my compassion to people who's belief systems are different than mine but this is what the Good Samaritan did. This is what Jesus did. I think I am finding peace and joy in life by doing this.

  It is quite simple. And annoys the heck out of Rocky.
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  maxwell

  Interesting topic and perspectives. I'm 25, so of course some people might think that my mortality isn't really staring me in face as hard as someone older than I. I was raised a Witness. My father has told me he didn't think I would get to high school in "this system of things." I have to admit, I've had to wrestle a bit with my paradigm shift. I grew up believing it was very likely I would not have to die. However, fortunately, my dad always looked at things with at least some reality. He always taught me that my life could be taken at any moment. A car accident. A murderer. Some freak nature accident, tornado. Stray bullet from some irresponsible hunter in the woods. The wrong drug at the pharmacy. A freak accident on my bike. I'm don't think I'm a morbid person. But I'd like to think that I was at least a bit realistic back then about the possibility of death given the world we live in. So although I had the hope, I considered the possibility of death. Then in 1995, "new light" on the generation. I still firmly believed in the JW's then. That "new light" really didn't shake my faith at all. It did cause me to look at things differently. So although the WTS was saying that the end was as urgent and more urgent than ever, I started considering that it was quite possible that I would die of old age. The way I rationalized it was that the end could come 5 seconds from now or 500 years from now. Either way, it would be short time to Jehovah. 1000 years is a day to God. And what's 1,000 2,000...years or any finite number of years compared to forever, an infinite amount of time. So while I want to serve God to the best of my ability, I was glad that I had already decided to attend college, and I had better prepare to take care of myself for a 'normal' life span. Of course that meant, I needed to avoid debt, (which I have to admit, I've failed to do, but it's not a hopeless situation. credit cards. I can fix that.) and I needed to make sure I saved money for retirement (I'm fortunate enough to have a job that has allowed me to start doing that.). I believed one could rely on Jehovah, but that meant that I relied on the brains and physical power that God gave me to make a living for myself. Well now that I've left that religion, presently I don't see any hope of some other life. I'm not saying that to knock any one's belief in God. However, I don't see a lack of belief in God, as a morbid or frightening way to go through life. I had observed even while a teenager as one JW's that people who lacked a belief in God or any sort of hope for some after life, still seemed to lead relatively happy lives. Some of them seemed more stable that people who claimed to believe and God. I saw that people's actual value system, the one evidenced by their actions, has nothing to do with whether they profess belief in a god or not. Some people are nice even when they don't believe they have to be good to get the reward of a happy after life. People are born, they grow old, they die. That's what everyone on earth can see. So when I dropped my hard-nosed belief in God, I didn't see that as a reason to give up hope of enjoying my time on earth. As far as facing the inevitable, I have already considered to some extent my death what kind of legacy I'd like to leave. What I haven't spent a lot of time thinking about is my decreasing physical abilities as I grow older. And I must admit that has been a source of some consternation. When I go, I hope that it is quick and painless. However, I know that if I get to enjoy some longer years, there will probably be some pains, and a greater chance for a loss of independence. I've seen how that can really hurt some older people, or even some younger people who sustain some lifetime disability. I know it would hurt me. Hopefully, I would be able to handle that emotionally, psychologically. And hopefully, if that does happen, I will have saved up enough money to at least put myself in a good nursing home or assisted care facility. I don't have any children, and personally I think having children for the purpose of having someone to take care of you in in your old age is bad reason to have children. However, I'd hate to end up burdening any other members of my family my age or younger, or older. Well those are my thoughts.
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  Navigator

  So many of our friends are facing aging and the end of their working lives without any resources to carry them through. They didn't put anything aside because they didn't think they would need it. The real tragedy, however, is that they have become so attached to their flesh bodies that they have come to believe that that is who they are; a belief fostered by the WTBTS. The flesh body is merely a shell that reflects the beliefs we hold about ourselves. Our attachment to it is part of the price of admission we pay when we come here. Another part of the admission price is our belief in death. Jesus certainly demonstrated that it could be overcome. Guess what folks! We are all made of Divine stuff. We are all God's children and a part of God. God is not going to lose any part of Himself/Herself. God is not going to take pity on us because we have chosen to "play in the mud puddle" and experience suffering and death, however much we think we deserve it. We have created these situations in our lives by our screwed up thinking. We can also make a conscious choice to change that thinking. I realize that thinking for ones self if frowned upon by the WTBS, but it is absolutely necessary.
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  MikeMusto

  <div class=quote>I went thru a period where my hormones went nuts and I went nuts about it.....wanted sex about 4 times a day at age 45. I had never cheated on my husband, luv him dearly, and did not want to. But how do you tell a then 50 year old man (who was making luv to me daily) that once a day is not enough?!! </div> You are the greatest woman in the world
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  scootergirl

  I am only 34.....far from the cries of "old age" but I do think about it at times. I have noticed that my physical health relies much on my mental health. Make any sense? Bear with me......

  I try to focus daily on my mental health. When I am in tune and in check with my insides, my outsides feel so much better.

  I live each day the best I can. I try not to waste my energies on things not worth the effort. I pick and choose what I can change/control in my life and focus my energy on what I can control.

  I don't worry about what happens after we die, I choose to "let the mystery be" and put my faith and trust in my Higher Power.

  I don't look too far into the future because past experiences have taught me (oh so well) that life always has those "unexpected twists and turns".

  My husband turns 50 this year. My parents are 52. I have noticed one huge difference........that is in attitude. My mother writes me about how difficult it is growing old. How many limitations there are. Lot of whining. My husband, he views 50 as great! He has the financial security that he never had. He has physical/mental health. Life is good for us-for him.

  I hopefully will accept aging w/grace and respect. I want to build a life w/lots of people in it......lots of unconditional love and acceptance. I want to be an old woman in my rocking chair on my porch and look back and think "damn....life is good"

  Edited by - scootergirl on 11 July 2002 11:26:25
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  imissthedub

  Mike:

  Thanks, but was also stupidest woman in the world when I did the online thing. Ouch. Big ouch....hurt bad. And was with a dub who is a MS ( I am not and have never been a dub) so I thought he meant every word he said to me. Started out as a possible solution and ended up the biggest mess of my life....a total mindscrew.....really gets deep into ur head.

  Scotter, you go girl! I will be next to you with the speakers blaring my faves!!!!!

  Edited by - imissthedub on 11 July 2002 23:32:49
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  scootergirl

  I will save you a rocker, Imissthedubs! My porch is big enough for two!