Before we get into bodily fluids and crappy real estate, let?s talk about some goofy Bible stuff.
Goofy Stuff #1
We begin with Satan?s challenge to God over that poor guy named Job. Job wasn?t even a Jew. Couldn?t God find any righteous Jews to pick on? Given ancient Jewish history, I would guess not. Anyway, from our Bible-based studies as dubs we learned that Job was a pawn because of a bet Satan made with God. The deal was that Satan could mess up Job and his family in any way that he desired, except he couldn?t cause Job to die. Satan wagered that if he messed up Job bad enough, Job would finally break down and curse God.
My question is, if Job HAD broken down and cursed God, what would it have proved? It would have proved what everyone already knows: even the finest of people end up blaming God when their lives turn to crap. And why not? For thousands of years Bible God has promised everything and delivered nothing. Most parents have had the experience of their children saying "I hate you" when they are upset or don?t get their way. As parents we know that at that very moment our children DO hate us, but when things settle down that hate goes away. We forgive our children for such conduct knowing that (mostly) it is only in moments of deep anguish that our children would say such things. As human parents we know this. Why didn?t God know this about Job, then? Had Job cursed God, God might have lost the bet, but Satan wouldn?t have proven anything.
Goofy Stuff #2
Then there?s this in Genesis 5:1,2: "This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him. Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created."
Called THEIR name Adam? What does THAT mean? I?ll tell you what it means. It means either the first man and woman were BOTH called Adam, or there were two guys named Adam, or it means that God can?t tell the difference between singular and plural pronouns.
Goofy Stuff #3
The Bible notion of what foods are clean and what are "unclean" is most curious. Eating pork was "unclean." Eating lobster (yummy!) was "unclean." God said so. Then Paul said it is not what goes into one?s body, but what comes out of one?s mouth that makes one unclean. Who was right? God? Paul? How was pork and lobster any more "clean" in Paul?s day than in the days of Moses? What made pork and lobster so bad in ancient times that "God" made a law not to eat it and how did pork and lobster get somehow "improved" so that God made Paul tell us it is ok to eat from his day forward? The Watchtower society has used the old and tired "trichinosis" argument regarding eating pork (they have no such argument for lobster, by the way), but it doesn?t hold: Paul didn?t know any more about what caused trichinosis or how to prevent it than Moses did.
Goofy Stuff #4
Next, we will discuss Exodus 20:5 where God himself declares he is a jealous God and will screw up 4 generations of children because of the iniquities of their ancestors, and we know that God is also a God of love, and that love is never jealous, but God IS a jealous God and a God of love in which love can never be jealous and that love can never harm anyone, but God will KILL you if you don?t believe this, because he IS a jealous God and a God of love in which love is never jealous.
Believe all of this. Or God will kill you.
Real Estate
Now let us discuss real estate. There is some wonderful real estate on planet earth. Hawaii. San Diego. The South Coast of Spain. Then there is the land of Israel: a totally worthless dirt shithole; and God helped the Israelites expand this real estate by adding to it some more shitholes surrounding that shithole called "Israel"; and huge numbers of people were slaughtered by the Israelites so the Israelites could take over those shitholes once held by the victims of Israelite atrocities. Any Canaanite with a whit of common sense could have avoided all that carnage by simply saying to the Jews, "Here: spare our lives and take all this land from us. Our land is a shithole anyway and there are plenty of new shitholes in this area where we can settle. Please let us leave in peace." But NO! God WANTED the Jews to have lots of shithole real estate obtained through gory wars. I?m sure you?ve all seen aerial views of Jerusalem or even visited the place. Shitholes don?t get much worse than that.
God made a grand promise to Abraham and then let Abraham?s offspring suffer for 450 years as slaves in Egypt and then let them wander for 40 years in a shithole desert and then rewarded them with WHAT for all that grief? Another shitthole, that?s what.
But it?s even worse than that. Those poor Jews didn?t even have any decent place to go on their vacations. Egypt? Another shithole. Syria? El Grando Shithole. Persia (Iran) or Babylonia (Iraq)? Shitholes. The beach? The Dead Sea is not only a shithole, but a STINKY shithole at that. Even shit-eating fish can?t live in that dirtbag shithole.
Why wasn?t God honest with Abraham and Moses, anyway? Why did he promise them a land of "milk and honey" and then deliver them to a shithole filled with camels running around and spitting at everything that moved?
Bodily Fluids
I will take just ONE example from the "Bodily Fluids" management manual, otherwise known as "Leviticus."
Beware! What is to follow is filthy and disgusting. If you are easily offended, read no further. Then again everything to follow comes from a filthy and disgusting book allegedly written by God. Your choice.
This example is found in Leviticus 15:16-18: "and if any man?s seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall wash ALL his flesh in water, and be unclean until the even. And every garment and every skin whereon is the seed of copulation (EVERY skin? Just how many skins is a guy going to splash that stuff on each time he copulates, anyway?), shall be washed out with water, and be unclean until the even. The woman also with whom the man shall lie with the seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water, and be unclean until the even."
We have a big problem here, and a number of little problems. In the beginning God commanded humans to multiply and fill the earth. Since God commanded it, multiplying and filling the earth is good, good, good. God even messed up all the Tower of Babel guys because they didn?t spread out to fill the earth. Now, (to put it delicately) seed must come out of a man and it must "touch" a woman in order for humans to multiply. But as soon as that happens, the two people who are following these orders from God are bad, bad, bad. So are their clothes and sheets. So is, according to the Bible, every one who happens to be around and gets that stuff on their skin.
"Joel! Will you PLEASE stop splashing that stuff all over the house? I have enough laundry to do as it is! Just last week I had to haul the couch outside and wash it and every one was laughing and pointing their fingers at me."
Joel: "Yes, dear."
God commands it and it is good. Humans follow God?s command and do it and it is bad. Plus, the whole thing must have been a big embarrassment for young and virile couples:
"There goes Micah and Elizabeth washing their sheets again. Fourth time today! Geeeesh! They?re worse than rabbits! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Consider how such thinking would affect a typical Israelite family with teenage children:
Boy: "Mom! I had a dream last night and had an accident."
Mom: "Go wash your pajamas and sheets and see the priest. You are unclean. Be sure to take a bath, too."
Boy: "But I couldn?t help it. It wasn?t my fault!"
Mom: Go see the priest and tell him what happened. NOW!"
Boy: "I hate to see the priest, Mom. He?s weird! He makes me tell him all about the details of the dream and has this goofy smile on his face the whole time. And he rubs my legs in a creepy way when he has that goofy smile."
Mom: "He?s just an "imperfect man," son. Just go see him. Don?t disobey God?s will."
Boy: "But he is CREEPY, Mom!"
Mom: "Here: you also need to wash your father?s and my sheets and your sister?s sheets, too. We?re ALL unclean today. Then go see the priest and tell him what happened. We?ll be along shortly. If you don?t obey me, we?ll take you to the city gates and stone you to death. I?m sure you wouldn?t like THAT now, would you?"
Boy in undertone: "Shit."
For some strange reason, "Leviticus God" is morbidly obsessed with bodily fluids. This is strange because that same God allegedly designed and made us the way we are. We have no choice but to accept the reality of this situation and try to use proper hygiene in dealing with it. Yet the Bible devotes an entire chapter in Leviticus to inform us how UNCLEAN naturally occurring bodily fluids are supposed to be; those same bodily fluids and functions God himself gave us. All of God?s creation is good. Bodily fluids were created by God, so therefore they must be good; but they are not good. They make us "unclean" and "unclean" is bad.
God is not a god of confusion: what must be good (made by God) cannot be bad (if it is made by God). Yet, according to the Bible, bodily fluids are bad because they make us "unclean." Given that, a strong argument can be made that some parts of the Bible (at least) were not inspired by God and in fact were written by a very ignorant, primitive and superstitious people who just made up a bunch of shit and said it was the word of God.
Even so, sticky problems remain (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) with the notion that everything God made is Good. God made viruses. If not God, then who? Are viruses also good? What purpose does a virus serve other than to find a living host, consume and destroy it and then move on to another living host to do the same thing? Ask someone with AIDS or polio if they can find any "good" in a virus.
If one wants to argue that we and animals are vulnerable to viruses because of our weakened, sinful condition, then it would be logical to conclude that when man is restored to a perfect condition ("real soon now!"), viruses would be out of a job and would all die: no host, no job and nothing to feed upon. But then, why did God make viruses in the first place, if everything God makes is good?
If viruses were made at the very beginning of creation and man had not sinned, viruses would have had no food source and died off quickly. So why did God make them in the beginning unless he knew we would sin. Was it a set up? Yep. God set us up: he never trusted us from the start and planned in advance to have viruses screw with us after Adam would inevitably sin. Did God create viruses after man sinned so they could screw around with our bodies? If so, he did not "rest" from creation after man was created as the Bible states.
Some have argued that Satan made viruses. If true, then God is not THE Creator, but only A Creator. Why would God give a creep like Satan the power to create organisms whose sole purpose is to destroy creatures created by God himself? Such a thought would make God a bigger creep than Satan, since life is tough enough without viruses screwing around with us.
Imderstand all that "Bible logic"? I don?t. I have a headache. Even so, we must keep things Bible based, since the Bible is such a practical and reliable guide in all matters; especially those involving the vitally important steps which must be taken each time male seed gets on stuff.
I often feel quite a bit of sympathy for the poor Israelites, what with all that sheet washing and uncleanness and such. Not to mention the fact they have to make the most out of living in a big shithole and still feel obligated to keep thank God for putting them there in the first place.
Thank you for listening. I have some sheet washing to do now.
Farkel