just 10 minutes ago there was a knock on the door...3 to be exact. you always know its a witness when the doorbell rings twice.and a few knocks:)...yes they are after me i know. i havent been to a meeting in 6 months. the memorial was the last time they saw me. i think it was that night that my instincts told me this was not the"truth".. the memorial seemed so cold..more like a marketing presentation. the ceremony hardly talked about jesus and did not honor him in the way i felt a memorial of someone would.
i have always had doubts but shunned them away. i thought maybe there was something wrong with me if i didnt agree with something and that over time i would feel different. but i never did. i stopped going to meetings by keeping myself busy at work and making excuses that i was tired and my jw husband bought it. but i couldnt lie to him or myself anymore.
something made me get on the internent one night and start researching..well as you know there is plenty out there! i came across the pedifile cases, changed doctrines, policys..eveything and my mind and heart rejoiced. i was right. it is not the truth. however my husband being born and raised, yet falling out only to meet me a " wordldy"girl 9yrs ago. he believes its the "truth" yet is not the type of witness who follows all the rules..i will touch on that later. however i told him it was all a lie .. i basically went off so to speak, with passion and conviction and thinking he would feel the same. not the right approach and he did not respond well.
i ordered the book "crisis of concience" and read it in 2 days. i asked him to read it..surprisingly he did. i begged him not to tell any elders or friends in the hall how i was feeling..that this is between "us" and from what i know he hasent..yet. he didnt like reading the book and often felt it was one sided and the whole thing didnt faze him one bit. he stopped at chapter 3..this terrified me. we began to argue about it and of course he had all the wt answers already programmed in his head. i would break down and cry and then we would get nowhere.
fast forward to a month later and the elders came over for a "sheperding call".. yet it was not that at all. apparently he called them over becase HE had some questions. As they came in they were nice as always,, my husband started asking about 1975..then about 1925..ect.. i wanted to die. i just played along being i was NOT prepared for this At ALL!! I was ready to talk about how "busy my life is,,,work, yada yada, that i am trying to make meetings, ect" and then have them leave. Well, they answered all the questions and made us read all the scriptures that coincide with thier doctrines. they asked to come back so we could go over "more questions i had" . i said i was working and we would call them. well we never did and they have called me once and obviously stopped by randomly this morning. i hid of course.
so bottom line is i am trying to get my husband to get out of this religion. it has done nothing but made him live with guilt and fear and i think he is depressed. he goes to the meetings because he feels he has to or jehhovah wont love him. he misses alot of meetings and only goes when he has to do the mikes or feeling really spiritually weak. i have agreed not to bring up any thing negitive about the organization for a few months if he agrees to let me leave it and ask no questions. its a wierd situation..we have a wonderful marriage but this is certainly hanging over us.
i am not sure what to do next. we had a wonderful life for 5 years before he came back into the religion and then i started to study with them. i should have never gotten baptized but felt a pressure from his family and thinking there was no where else to turn. i was only an active witness for 1 year. he has been " in and out of the truth" for most of his life but always going back to it because its all he knows. i think i have a decent shot at making him realize its a cult but i have to do it in a way that effective. the longer i wait..the more the elders will be suspicious of me as an apostate and then i am afraid they will fill his mind up with stuff about me, his own wife.
thanks for listining.
