Breaking up is hard to do

by BoozeRunner 2 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  BoozeRunner

  Hello folks.
  I am facing a difficult situation tonite. I think it is best to break up with my GF of the past 6 months. I feel really guilty about it, because she adores me as does her 2&1/2 yr old son. I love them also, but her personal situation is taking its toll on me. She has very little self-esteem, and is in a very abusive marriage.
  I guess I broke the golden rule, huh, messing with a married woman?
  Its NOT that I feel she still loves her hubby, but rather that she allows herself to remain in the marital home because her pride will not allow her to seek help via womens shelters, or other social services help, nor even report her hubby to police when he physically abuses her.
  It also hurts that she allows her son to remain in that situation. The effects clearly show up in his behaviour subsequent to any "incidents" that occur.
  Also, I have been feeling that she tranfers the control that hubby exercises over her to ME!! By this I mean, she is overly jealous, overly possessive, and unable to trust. Nearly every instance of missed calls or lack of e-mail translates to "lack of love" or, "are you seeing anyone else?"
  It is difficult to continue this way.
  Of primary concern is her son, a wonderful little boy. We have shared many great times-he laughs, giggles, smiles...wants to visit me more and more. Sadly, he does NOT desire to spend time with his dad. I have been more of a father in 6 months than his bio-father has in 2 years. This is a testament to the situation in the home.
  So, at this point, I dont want to hurt him by prolonging the inevitable. I do believe my GF must take responsibility and get herself away from there, for herself and her son.
  She has various reasons why she doesnt leave at this time, but I think it really boils down to shame and denial. I have REALLY tried to help her get the ball rolling:
  1.Sending her links of WOMEN'S RESOURCE CENTERS in her area.
  2.Setting up an e-mail journal via hotmail for her to keep account of instances of abuse. Only I have the password, and would gladly turn it over to prosecutorial authorities when necessary.
  She breifly wrote to the hotmail account, but has not kept up-to-date with the instances of abuse.
  I am at my wits end and seem to be drifting away from her. Like I said earlier, I feel very guilty about leaving her, but see no alternative at this time.
  Any comments will be appreciated.

  Boozy

  I KNOW I will catch hell for dating a married woman, but I think I can handle the searing comments.
• 

  Mulan

  I hate to say this, but she isn't YOUR problem. I think you already know what to do, and just need someone to tell you to do it. So, do it, before you make a bad situation much, much worse.

  Marilyn (a.k.a. Mulan)
• 

  Bendrr

  Dear Booze:
  I popped in briefly tonight to post something else, and skimmed the topics and almost skipped over your post. I'm glad I did. You won't catch hell from me whatsoever for the married woman thing. I just came out of a nearly identical situation, so I think I can speak with some authority for once. What I can offer you is not going to be in the "everything is going to be ok" category.
  My friend, you are going to have your heart broken so bad you will want to die.
  Get out now. Provide her with the resources for abused spouses, but get out. If you feel it is warranted, alert child protective services to protect the little one. Based on your description, she WILL NOT permanently leave him.
  I bet she's promised you the world, right? How she will leave him "when the time is right" and you two will be together. The times you have spent together have probably been dynomite. Maybe even very adventurous; being together with the danger of being caught?
  Booze, I just went through the same thing. I'm still trying to quit being in love with Pat.
  She was also abused. Broke elbow and hand. She got pretty violent herself.
  One night it all came to a head and she moved in with me. Suddenly, the plans for the divorce and our future life were in motion. Well guess what? She had me, she still had "him"; in a way, each of us on the side. She then started to show her true self and a headful of loose wiring.
  She merely used me to change her lifestyle, not escape a bad marriage for a good life. Pat was the same way with me. Very jealous and possessive. But I couldn't ask her any questions. Bet it's the same for you, right? I finally accepted the pain to come and loaded up a Ryder truck and she came home one day to an empty house.
  I'll tell you now as an outsider to the situation like it was told to me by some good friends who I should have listened to: DON'T GO ANY FURTHER!
  Accept the ass-whipping your heart is about to take, and tell her good bye.
  If you need a shoulder to cry on, I'm here and so are a lot of other good friends.
  mike.

  Expect nothing and you will never be disappointed,