Need Advice

by Purza 6 Replies latest social relationships

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  Purza

  I am going to try to make this short.

  I have a best friend who is a faded JW (not DF'd, just inactive and attends meetings infrequently). I have been friends with her since we were toddlers so I know her pretty well. She was in a 20 year marriage with a JW who also happened to be a drug addict and abuser, etc. My friend had a litter of children with man and felt like she had to stay for the kids sake. Well she finally kicked him out a few years ago.

  And then she went right into a relationship with a "worldly" man. This man never treated her well and I would say things to her about it now and then, but I figured she knew what she was doing (he was married, but separated at the time they originally got together).

  Fast forward to this week and she comes to find out that this guy is cheating on her. She is devastated. She says she is in love with him and she thinks this is the first time this has ever happened and he swears it wont happen again and she says "I can't say that I won't go back with him". That infuriates me. This man does not like her kids (and she has a lot of them) and he is completely self centered. She deserves so much more.

  And I have been very hard on her trying to get her to see it from the outside. She asked me not to judge and her and stand behind her in whatever decision she makes (as she has for me in the past). We have a trip planned to go camping with her family, him and my family. I told her that he is not welcome to go camping and she said "you mean if he goes then you won't go?" (She really wants this guy to go) And I said, "no, I will go, but it will be very uncomfortable is he is there".

  She did take my advice and has scheduled an appointment with a counselor, but I do not know how to handle it if they get back together. We have been best friends for many, many years, but I cannot sit back and watch this happen all over again. Being raised as JWs I would say that we are both very naive and I think this has caused us to be too trusting sometimes.

  Anyone have any advice they wish to share? Thanks.

  Purza
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  exjdub

  Purza,

  That's a tough one. You can still be supportive and stand behind your friend, just as she desires, without choosing to spend time with her boyfriend. I feel the two don't necessarily coincide and I think your instincts are correct. I have never understood the phenomena where a woman would stay with a man that does not like, never mind show love, to her children. Your friend is fortunate to have you as a friend.

  exjdub (who thinks any man that does not like kids, no matter whose they are, is not a man)
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  kls

  Purza, that is all you can do is give advise and be there for her. It has to be her that makes the final decision, no one can force her or tell her what to do. Counseling is a great idea,just be there for her with the choices she makes. You sound like a great friend to her ,she is very lucky.
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  Purza

  Thanks exjdub and kls. You are right -- it is just SO HARD to sit back and watch everything begin all over again. I will support her of course, but I think I will need to distance myself a bit. Sigh. . .

  Purza
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  kls

  Yes Purza you do need to distance yourself or you will be draged down emotionaly with her,
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  exjdub

  it is just SO HARD to sit back and watch everything begin all over again. I will support her of course, but I think I will need to distance myself a bit.

  Purza,

  It is hard. I just had to sit back and watch a similar thing with my daughter. Harder than hell. She ultimately made the right choice, but not without a lot of heartache, and headaches, for her mother and me. It's never easy. Lots of hugs and love from you will make a difference. When she eventually figures this guy out and dumps him she will remember the love and concern you showed for her.

  exjdub
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  Fed Up

  I think your friend's right. Friends are for support, not judgement and we all need to make our OWN mistakes in life.

  I actually DO know couples whose marriages have survived infidelity and have gone on to grow and thrive.

  As far as him not treating his stepkids well? Well, I have 2 stepdaughters myself who I love and adore, but being as I have on-going problems with my husband's ex, I've been involved in several support groups for second wives and "blended" families for years, and a lot of people have dificulties with stepchildren--fault can go both ways, and you might want to think about reserving judgement until you've heard his side.

  Regardless, even if you know she's making a mistake, it's hers to make, and as her friend, your place is to be there to provide comfort and support in the aftermath--BEST friends can also resist saying, "I told you so."

  Best of luck to you and her.