For your kind words.... Thank you for the hug.
I know part of me is through a metamorphous. It’s a hard thing to think that something you believed in so strong for 20 plus years might be wrong. I have learned a lot of truth on this board and there is this battle going on inside me.
My first husband committed adultery and I discovered this (first by spotting a familiar car parked a couple of blocks away) and then looking through the windows when I got home. I walked back to my car, sat inside and hung my head out the door to vomit. I knew I could never go back and I did only once to get my things. This was very hard for me to do. I still loved him in my heart but I also hated him at the same time. Mostly I think I lost respect for him and a little of myself for being so stupid.
Anyway, that’s kinda how I feel right now. I feel that same nausea. It's like I loved the organization for so many years and believed everything I was told. Now I feel like I was cheated on. Not in my face but behind my back. It feels just like it felt when my husband cheated on me. Now I am in a place where I am either going to forgive or forget. I think sometimes if I forgive, then I go back to being like a buoy bobbing up and down in the water with a painted smile on my face. But if I forget the whole thing, I am afraid I will drown into nothingness. I think this is because it is drilled in us that apart from the organization we are not in a relationship with God. Just like an abusive husband makes his wife feel like she is nothing apart from him.
This board is a tremendous help in sifting out my feelings. Sometimes I get a good laugh. Thanks again for the hug and support.