Feeling helpless about....

by jaccilynn 4 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  jaccilynn

  the fact that I am moving back in with my parents.

  my entire immediate family is inactive (mother, father, brother), and they love me and accept the fact that i am no longer a part of the WTS (atleast they say they do, and i believe them). and they're not really the reason i'm feeling so scared, TERRIFIED to move back in.

  my uncle and his family live next door to my parents, and i mean RIGHT next door ( i can look out the kitchen window into my cousin's room). my aunt and younger cousin, Gina, we're my only spiritual family for years. while i was active, i had major issues with my parents inactivity, and i used it against them many, many times. i feel so guilty about that now, even though, looking back i know that it was my parents that drove me to latch on to religion so tightly because of events when i was younger... regardless, i'm so scared to live next door to my aunt and cousins again. i have pretty much avoided them since i moved out. i'd stop in and say hello ocasionally, but consciencely refused to have a relationship with them because they are jw's. awhile ago, though, i was thinking that my not having a relationship with them because they are jw's is just as bad as them "disowning" me if i got df'd, so i started coming around their house more, hanging out with my cousins, going to movies... even staying for a bible study once (which led to a near nervous break down and three days of crying, i should never have gone in the first place). anyway, i started re-establishing a relationship with them, knowing that i can always go home if conversations go way out into left dogma field. but i realized last weekend when i was remodeling my new room at my parents house... this is my home. this is where i have to go. they're right next door. and they have had a BIG influence on me, and i'm afraid they're going to bully me into going to even ONE MEETING, guilt trip me, intimidate me somehow and i don't know how i'm going to handle it. i couldn't even handle an informal night with "congregation kids" at their house. but they got me to go, and i'm afraid that i'll cave... and do what they want...

  i wish i had another way of explaining how i am feeling, but the only word i can use is SCARED. i am so scared to be back in that house. those houses. i don't know how to maintain the person i am now when i am around them. i'm an extremely emotional person. but i've learned and have grown and experienced alot in the last year, and feel stronger then i was. SO MUCH STRONGER. but even since i've started communicating (and it's not even real communication, it's more just being around them) with my family again, i can feel the strength leaving me! it's scaring the shit out of me. i feel like i'm loosing a piece of myself that i have been so happy to attain while living on my own, all this just from spending occasional hours here and there with them. i can't imagine how i'll feel when i move back in.

  i'm pretty much S.O.L. with the living situation. my roommate is moving back to jersey, and i was saving up to get my own place, but my car died, so i have to use whatever money i have to get a new one... i'm just feeling shitty and helpless. i don't know what to do. i can't even be myself around them... that's no way to live a life. but i can't avoid them now, either.

  ok, i'm too sad for words right now, i need to go do something, i just wanted to get that out.
• 

  teenyuck

  {{{jaccilynn}}}

  You poor thing...I had to move back in with my mom after my first divorce...she is an ardent JW. I told her that even though I was moving back, I still am entitled to practice my own religion; or none. As long as I paid my rent to her, she was not nagging me.

  As for the relatives. They can only bully you if you let them. If your parents are OK with not going, I would guess they will not try to guilt you into going. If your relatives come by, call or stop you on the street and ask why, I would tell them you are busy.

  "Doing what dear?" You need to come up with an answer and stick to it. If it is "going to the library to read up on pottery...I am going to study it next year." They might back off.

  You cannot let them bully you. Come here. Talk to us. E-mail me if you want to talk and I will e-mail you my phone #. Don't feel that you owe them something. They are your relatives, however, it is your life. If you choose to not be affiliated with the JW's that is a choice you can make.

  Please don't be too down. Being with your parents will be tough, however, you lived on your own and can do it again. Take a class in something that will give you an excuse to study, go to the library, etc. You need to keep feeling independent. This will help ease the guilt trips etc.

  It sounds like you reestablished a relationship with your parents...that is critical. I am sure that they understand why you did the things you did in the past....if not, try to talk to them and let them know you love them and are sorry.

  Don't give up moving out again. I had a piece of crap car, a terrible apartment and roommate, however, when the alternative was living with my mom until I got married hit me, I did everything I could to move out.
• 

  outnfree

  (((((((jaccilynn)))))))

  I think most of us feel less like ourselves and more like kids WHENEVER we return to our parents' home. You are now returning to a place where you have TWO sets of parents in a way. And while one set accepts your inactivity, clearly the other set does not. Further, you are not returning for a weekend or a week's vacation, but to live. So, I think it perfectly normal to be apprehensive that you will be somewhat "swallowed up" by them and what THEY want, for you will have to make some concessions to keep the peace.

  I also think it is very good that you are analyzing this in advance. This way you can come up with a plan of action (or, INaction, when it comes to meetings and 'gatherings' ). Puffs hit on something good when she suggested that your busy-ness be specific. Think up some good and plausible responses now. Role-play in your mind and see what seems convincing to you. Make sure you still get out to see YOUR friends on a regular basis, too. And, of course, as puffs said, come here for an outlet when it gets crazy-making!

  We're here for ya!

  out
• 

  jaccilynn

  thanks for the ideas. staying busy is important, and deffinitly a necessity.

  and i never plan to stop seeing MY friends. the majority of them have been in Paris for the past three weeks, and it's lonely here with out them. that's probably the reason behind my spending extra time with my cousins, i'm sure i'll be less freaked out when they come home.
• 

  jack2

  Hi jacci,

  I think puffs and outnfree gave good advice. And of course, you have my e-mail addys so feel free to keep me posted.

  Moving back is always tough, and I agree with the others that you may simply have to make it clear that you are busy with other things. They will hopefully respect your postion and not force the issue. If they try to put pressure on you, try to be firm and clear with them. Since your parents are inactive too, I would guess that they will back you up.

  I will e-mail you again shortly; I wrote one earlier and the page went down before it was sent, and it was lost.

  All my best, jack

  ((((((((jacci))))))))))