Eating disorders - advice about someone

88JM

I'm sure there are probably a few posters on here that have had experience themselves or had family members with eating disorders. I'm posting here not for myself, but out of concern for someone else.

There is a teenage (about 16, recently baptized) brother who quite obviously has an eating disorder. I have personally been at a few gatherings and seen him refuse all food while everyone else was eating, with the excuse that "he wasn't hungry", so I can say it's definitely an eating disorder and not some allergy or just a one-off.

I'm also not the only one who has noticed it - I've been in discussions with a few brothers and sisters who have also remarked on his conditon, but don't seem to know any more about it than I do. I've only ever come across one other person in the congregation quite a while ago with a similar problem, but is no longer in the congregation.

I've not confronted the brother or his family about his condition, and I don't know if anyone else has either - it's a bit of an "elephant in the room situation", but as you know that sort of thing goes on all the time in the JWs. I've seen dramatic weight loss in the young guy ever since his family moved into the congregation a couple of years ago. Just as a side note, both him and his younger brother are home-schooled.

I realise that such disorders are not simply about someone convincing themselves that they're not hungry, and neither is it always about body image, but usually there are much deeper underlying issues behind it.

My question is: what would be your advice be to someone like me looking on at the situation? It's very difficult to watch someone dangerously lose so much weight while standing by doing nothing. Obviously I'm in no position to be giving medical advice. I do worry that his parents aren't perhaps getting him the medical help he should have, maybe not seeing the seriousness of things being so close to the situation. There's also the possibility that problems at home are actually the cause of the condition, of course.

So what do I do? Continue to say nothing? Confront his parents about it? Confront the young brother about it? I'm not sure...

Frazzled UBM

it is a psychological condition. He needs counselling - fast. Being a member of the cult and being home schooled and possibly problems at home could all contribute. He may also need medical help. It is potetnially life threatening or could have long-term medical issues if he stops getting sufficient nutrients for his physical and neurological development. You need to get his family to intervene but it needs to be handled delicately. Getting someone who has an eating disorder to accept that is the case and that they need help can be very challenging. The family probably needs to contact a psychologist with expereince with eating disorders before confronting him to advise on how best to get him to recognise he needs help.

KateWild

Confronting the situation head on is the answer. But the level of your friendship with the family might need to change before you do so. It sounds like you're not very close to the young boy or the parents, it's noble that you are concerned, but to avoid being called a busy body I would advise you to draw closer to the family.

If you invite them to do something like a bike ride and then go for a bite to eat you can expose the illness. You could also ask him to help you wash your car. I certainly think drawing closer to the family beofre you confront them is the best course of action. Show them you care, actions speak louder than words.

Kate xx

Aunt Fancy

Be a true friend to him. He needs a lot of love and understanding right now. People who have eating disorders have issues with control. They can't control everything around them but they can control what goes into their mouth. It is a very serious situation if he is truly does have it.

There is a tell tale sign besides being very thin. Look at his arms and if he has very fine thick hair on his arms then you can bet he is. Your body protects itself by growing the extra hair. I had a couple of friends with it and one eventually took her life. The other friend was the sister who studied with me. I remember when she was going through it at 40 plus years of age which is not the normal, I let our circle of friends know what I suspected. I was doing a dieting program with her and she went too far and I knew what she weighed and what they were saying at the program. When I told our friends they poo pooed it and thought I was over reacting. Eventually it did some damage to her heart.

If you are good friends with his parents I would be inclined to let them know there is help for him. If I was not seeing something as dangerous as this I would want a friend to tell me and not hide it. They can be very good at hiding it by wearing big clothes and other things.

I hope he gets the help he needs.

Aunt Fancy

There is also another falsehood about men not getting it. Studies are showing that there are more and more men getting it and it is not just women. Another point is that it is very dangerous because it can shut down vital organs so it is a very serious matter.

88JM

Confronting the situation head on is the answer.

Thanks - that's a helpfully clear answer.

Drawing closer to the family beofre you confront them is the best course of action

Also good advice - thanks. It's difficult when you're trying to do a fade, but are concerned for others at the same time.

People who have eating disorders have issues with control.

I've also heard that said by someone in the congregation, so it's reassuring to hear it from someone else.

I have very little doubt that he definitely has a serious problem. I will probably ask his parents as suggested, though I'm not sure what their reaction will be. I will be shocked if they flat-out deny he has any problem at all. Hopefully they will be aware of it and thankful for the concern.

quellycatface

That poor young man. I knew someone similar about 14 years ago. He was dyslexic but had been to mainstream school then a specialist unit. I wonder if this chap has the same problem but it's not been detected by his parents??

I really hope you can help and good luck with doing so.

nonjwspouse

Many eating disorders are a lot about CONTROL . It may be the only thing he feels in control of, subconciously usually, but it is very common to be about needing to have some control over themselves instead of feeling opressivelly controlled.

This makes perfect sense in the high control religion atmosphere.

gonzobear

I was badly anorexic from about the age of 15-22, and struggled with eating throughout my 20's. Despite a lot of professional help the problem only really resolved itself when I left the witnesses, I've been gone nearly seven years and have been fine the whole time. As has been said anorexia is about control, when you can't control anything else then you at least can control what does, or doesn't, go into your body. So don't take the control away from him. Right now he needs it, however crazy that might sound. He needs to be in control of whatever choices he makes next, and hopefully with your help these will be constructive ones.

Anorexia is also a way of saying what you're too scared to say, subconsciously at least. When I was ill I knew the 'truth' wasn't for me, I knew I was lying, but being ill stopped me from having to say it, it said there was something wrong, but not what exactly. so if you can then open up to him, help him feel comfortable with you, and you might find what he really needs is a friend with doubts who is trying to fade.

anorexia also can be about a struggle to grow up, to become a sexual being, often is linked to abuse/repression. Of course I'm not saying this us the case here, but you can see how complex an illness it is.

whatever you do try not to talk about food or weight, these are just external manifestations of an horribly difficult internal situation. Don't think you can fix him, I know it's scary for you to watch, he might get thinner before he gets better, but he will have to reach his own rock bottom, have his own dark night of the soul before he is ready to begin to get better.

sadly theres no quick fix. Sounds like you're already being his friend, that's really what he needs right now.

Eating disorders - advice about someone

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