hi guys.
this is a post where it's gonna be like a diary entry for me. this will help me get out some things. those who have been in the chat room recently with me know what's going on.
last night was so hard for me. i should not have gone over to stephanie's house in the first place. but somewhere in my heart i was thinking we were gonna end up back together and we were just gonna laugh about it down the road. she called me at work and i told her i got off at 3 and i wanted for her to come over. she said that she might not be able to but for me to come over when i got off. so i said yes. i went over there and i was happy to see her, but i could tell she wasn't being herself. before, she had told me i was blowning this whole thing out of porportion and she WASN'T dating mandy. so anyways we went out together to the bank and the gas station. she got me some snacks and a drink and we went to the grocery store to pick some things up. we started talking somehow and i asked if she was really dating mandy and she said YES. i freaked. i asked if she had kissed her. she said she wasn't going to tell me. she said if she said no, i would think we were getting back together, and if she said yes, it would push me over the edge. as we were driving she looked over to me and asked if i was ok. i slapped her so fucking hard i left my hand print on her face. i told her to never to talk to me again and never ever fucking lie to me or hurt me. my plan then was to go buy a gun and kill myself. i CANNOT imagine life without stephanie. i cannot sleep at night when i am alone and have no one to hold me and i know that she is holding HER. i told her this was going to be the last time she ever saw me. she knew what i was talking about. we parked and we started talking and she said that she loved me still and she didn't want to live without me but she wasn't in love with me anymore and she wanted this girl. i started crying harder and my reslove became even stronger: i had to die. there was no way i was going to get better. i was fucked over by timothy and the elders and my parents and this whole god damned religion- now the only one person who i fully trusted is leaving me for this disgusting whore of a lesbian- ugly piece of shit M-A-N-D-Y.
i still do not want to live. after we were done talking, i left and picked up the boys, and dropped them off. i got onto the freeway and started driving. i was driving towards reno, nevada. my plan was to either buy a gun and blow my fucking brains out- or to buy a whole lot of sleeping pills and something to drink and park somewhere isolated and die that way. i called this guy matt that i had hurt (he was the guy i cheated on stephanie with 6 months ago) and told him i was sorry. i called my friend casey and told him i loved him. i called my friend christine who was freaking out. she talked to me on my cell phone the whole time until i finally told her where i was. which is a good thing because my car overheated and i had to pull over an hour away from home.she followed me home and she stayed with me until i fell asleep.
i woke up this morning and started bawling. i got dressed and headed for work. i went in the office to tell my boss i couldn't work today and he asked me why and i started crying. i looked like shit, i hadn't showered this morning and i felt awful. i was shaking and sad and suicidal. i ended up telling him everything and he and his assistant were very understanding. his assistant is so sweet. they wouldn't let me leave until i had a doctors appointment. it took forever to find a therepist that was accepting new patients on a saturday.
i finally made and appointment and his assistant even loaned me the money for the appointment and i will pay her back later. i am trying to make an appointment with a regular therepist who accepts my insurance and a psycologist who can prescibe the right medicine for me. i have severe depression and that is a very scary thing. stephanie called me while i was in the doctors office and i talked to her for a little bit. i do not know how i am going to get through this. all i can and will promise is i will TRY to get through this, not that i WILL get through this. i do not like life i do not trust people. my boss is a great guy and his assistant is fantastic and i am greatful to them but they do not know what it is like to be me. maybe they know what it's like to be dumped... but they don't have to deal with elder shit and jw parents......
that is all for now.
love ya bunches,
Katie