So having listened to all the suggestions and feedback on my question "Is it time to stop understanding JW relatives and tell it like it is?" I decided to write the letter. I took on board many of the comments and was careful not to make it sound like an ultimatum.
Here is the end product. I think it is honest without being harsh. I will let you know how it goes.
Dear Dad and Mum,
I hope you are both well. I'm glad to hear uncle Billy's funeral went well and that it was attended by a good crowd of family and friends. I decided not to attend, partly because I had a hospital appointment the following morning and had to start taking the prep medication that afternoon.
This morning I got a phone call from my cancer specialist nurse to let me know there may be a problem. The latest CT scan shows a small spot on one of my lungs. It is still too soon to know whether or not it is the beginning of a secondary tumour. Hopefully it is just something random. The plan is to wait for three months and repeat the CT scan and see if it has grown.
To be honest I have struggled with the decision of whether or not to let you know. I am sure you are concerned about my wellbeing despite an almost complete lack of communication since I came out of hospital. I am puzzled and would appreciate your comments.
Recovering from treatment and getting back to normal activities has been a huge challenge and yet you haven't expressed interest in my progress. Every three months I have an anxious time waiting for results of blood tests to check the levels of a tumour marker but I have never heard from you in all this time. You knew that I was having tests last week to see if my cancer had recurred and yet you have not been in touch to ask about the outcome. I find this very difficult to understand.
On an intellectual level I do "understand" your rules about disfellowshipping. I wonder if you think that strictly applying the rules may cause me to want to return to the organisation. I need to tell you that it has precisely the opposite effect.
Shunning a family member for no reason other than their lack of belief in your chosen religion is unnatural and unloving. I can think of nothing that [my son] or [my daughter] could do that would cause me to shun them - my love is unconditional. I never taught them what to think, only how to think. It pleases me every time they disagree with me and have the confidence and freedom to tell me why they think I am wrong about anything - as they frequently do.
Be assured that I do not pose any "spiritual danger" to you. I have no intention of undermining your faith in the Watchtower organisation. I have not been near a church for a very long time - it was a stage in my journey that I won't be repeating.
If it makes any difference to your decisions on how you act in the future, you should know for a certainty that I am never going to return to the Watchtower under any circumstances. There has never been a moment when I have had the slightest doubt about this fact. You may decide to continue with your hard-line approach regardless, that is your decision.
I know you feel able to visit or call on rare occasions - I assume that is covered by the "necessary family business" clause. Some contact is better than none at all, but perhaps you can understand how insulting it is to have somebody turn a relationship on and off at will.
We can't change the past but I would like you to consider how you have handled things over the last 17 years. I hope that in retrospect you would consider your neglect of [my son and my daughter] to have been a mistake. Please think about exactly what the rules are to be in the future and lets discuss it so there is no misunderstanding or wrong expectations.
I wish you both well.