Reflecting on my JW life

Gojira_101

Hi everyone,

Sorry I have been M.I.A lately...life got very busy for me.

This morning I woke up at 5:30 and couldn't get back to sleep because I was having many thoughts running through my head. My grandma shunning me, what it was like for me as a JW and I remembered something that I thought I would share. Guess I'm needing some group therapy today :)

What I remembered is starting in my middle teens years I would have these "attacks" I guess, I'm not really sure how to describe them but it would almost feel like a panic attack that God was going to destroy me because I was a JW (weird huh?) They didn't happen all that often and now I know most of the time they happened after a meeting where it was the strong talks on the end of the world.

Anyways, I just ignored it most of the times. As I got older and I started college and actually getting an education, and I had to miss meetings sometimes for classes. These "attacks" would happen more often and it was always the same thought "the JWs are wrong. No what if they are wrong? No, no the Jws are right, this is Satan trying to undermine my faith" and then I would convince myself that JW were right. This happened at least once a month, sometimes more.

Now being out and reflecting back...I think my logical part of my brain was trying to tell me to run that it's a cult..the JW are not right, but then the other emotional part of my brain that was the born in JW who knew nothing else convinced me the JW were right.

The funny thing now is since being out those "attacks" have not happened at all. And you would think since leaving the JWs I would have more panic attacks, but it just hasn't happened, not once!

I don't know why but I'm just feeling very emotional today so please go easy on me with the comments :)

G

rebel8

Gojira_101

Thanks :)

Dismissing servant

This is sad. I believe it because a lot of giult and shame are used in the JW-world to manipulate people. In fact, every JW is under a death-threat, at least in a theological way.

Mum

You're probably not the only one to have experienced this kind of emotional confusion. It is normal to feel that way, I am sure, when you are brainwashed but your authentic, real self knows better. In the Russian novel A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich, Ivan at one point starts to question whether his whole life has been a lie. Lucky for you, you were like Ivan.

bigmac

The funny thing now is since being out those "attacks" have not happened at al

no--not funny--but--reassuring. just your sound mind telling you--youve done the right thing. common sense rules!!

Stubborn Disbeliever

Honey, you were a regular pioneer for HOW long?? You were in it DEEP. I still get those thoughts once in a while, I think it's the brainwashing and conflict of what you REALLY know. I get sick to my stomach when i think about it. It's actually the ONLY brainwashing I've had. But really, you are doing great. Think of the weight that has been lifted off your shoulders since you left and unloaded all those feelings. Think of the joy in your life now. You will be rewarded for your act of being honest withyourself. You are not hurting anyone, you are not hurting yourself. You are a wonderful, kind, loving woman who should focus on seeing that part when those horrible brainwashings come leaking out. I love you sis

Newly Enlightened

Ditto, what she said. Big hug to you Sweetie, both of you.

Funny thing Gojira said to me not too long ago....

Mom, Hubby & I were reading that for every year you are in a cult it takes 3 months to recover. So we were just adding it up and we've discovered that out of everyone in our family its going to take you the longest. I believe it was 12 years. So basically, I'm so screwed up, that I'll never be normal again. Which is fine, because I never really grew up anyway and just want to have fun.

jgnat

You are now integrated and your mind is at peace.

After leaving my abusive first husband, I had chase nightmares. No matter how far I ran or crawled, I would feel a grab at my ankle to pull me back. Then I would wake up.

cobaltcupcake

You're doing great! My getting-out process took so long that by the time I made the actual break I didn't believe one word of that crap anymore, so no "God's gonna get me" worries.

However, I do still have dreams of being at meetings or assemblies and hating it or else trying to fake it that I'm still a Dub. I'm always glad when I wake up and realize it's just a dream. Sometimes I actually dream I'm arguing with my family trying to convince them that they should leave.

Big hugs to you!

Reflecting on my JW life

Share this