This memorial was my 40th (minus a couple of yrs, DF'd) and although I have faded as far as possible and still able to keep my family and friends it was the strangest and most reflective of all since learning TTATT.
I tried to focus on the talk to see if it was anything earth shattering but the only thing was the major focus on WHO should not partake.
I won't focus on the talk as many have already posted that and the fact that it was from a GB/FDS outline it was the same everywhere.
I quickly started looking around at all the people wondering how many were like me totally awake like someone who wakes up from anesthesia during major surgery and feels immense pain, but know one in the room knows.
There must be many among us, we can't speak , move or share our pain we must endure. That is truly hell.
When I looked around at the large crowd I saw many whom I love dearly and have had truly wonderful times with, ones that I would still gladly give my life for not as Jdubs but just because of who they are.
. These are good people who for the most part are just trying to be the best humans possible in an impossible situation. Who are serving a "God "who is not there but which can fill the need humans have to explain all that is bad and give a hope (false) that this isn't all there is. No crime there right?
But then I realized these lifelong friends would forget all about me in a New York second if they only knew, that even includes my family (the reason I'm still in the prison although out of the cell)
Then while passing the wine, it hit me how can the Org pull this off?
I mean there is no doubt they are organized, they can diffidently mobilize the troops do believe and do anything they want! It is truly an amazing thing to behold to be able to hold 8 million captives of a concept on a worldwide scale.
During this annual event that has always been used to solidify the 2 class system (soon to be 3) I thought maybe I could just take the good and leave the crap I mean I have "downsized from pioneering elder to 2-3 hrs. per month FS, not on the school, no "privileges" or even family study this is easy I can save my marriage and keep my friends....... cool. Ah yes the gift of reason steps in, I took inventory of just what all the CRAP is that I had to fake I believed in..
shunning, blood issues,constant "new light" (overlapping Gen., history of WT and GB now also the only FDS) hold on there.
The fact that my core beliefs are founded in Deism and remembering my favorite quote from Thomas Paine
"it is necessary for the happiness of man to be mentally faithful to himself, for infidelity does not consist of believing or not believing ,it consist of professing to believe what he does not,"
So I must be willing to lose it all, and this I surely will do very soon.
OK release the hounds !
Kensho