Where have I been?

by LouBelle 11 Replies latest jw friends

  • LouBelle

    My last topic was 4 months ago about the 2 months of downers I'd gone through. So here I am into 6 months of it. I have gone through so much in such a short space of time. I have been suicidal, to the point of setting the date, the how and writing 2 letters. The only reason I didn't go through with it was that my gran (the one who lost her son to cancer) had a mini stroke, she recoved and then 2 weeks later while out with her collapsed and I thought she had died in my arms. I couldn't put my gran through anything traumatic right now.

    I faced 2012 with such optimism, with such hope and unfortunately it turned out that the new job I had applied for in the interview and what transpired in reality were two very different things! I had been pretty much conned and I felt extremely disappointed in myself, I felt and still to some degree feel like an utter complete idiotic failure. So jaded with people (that most really don't give a shit, no matter how it effects you)

    So at nearly 36 and for the first time in my adult life I do not have a permanent job. I have fortunately found some temp work for the next 4 weeks. There after I have nothing. For the first time in my life I have to watch ever single cent. Something so foreign to me.

    I have lost the spark of life. There is nothing that "wows" me.

    I started googling about stuff and eventually came across volunteering. It's in Uganda and with children. For the first time in about 2 years I felt a little stirring in my heart. I'm going to try raise the funds to go and volunteer for as long as I can.

    Another huge self discovery - I know longer believe in god! I do not believe in a creator exists out there that cares about the human race. I don't even believe that the universe works towards bring you what you want (the secret) All there is is you. That is it. You are the only one that can open doors, create opportunities. You and the decisions you make.

    The belief in god ... for me anyway ... is to make the masses feel good about a shit situation or blessed about a good one. I couldn't even watch a movie called "Letters to God" It made me feel physically ill. The shit that sprouted from this movie ""You are chosen by god to have cancer. You are a warrior" REALLY?????? What people will say to make another feel better **shrug** I'm so over all those lies.

    As for the world - hell I'm quite prepared to believe in the big bang theory - at that specific time, conditions were ripe and right for live to evolve - a gazillion to one chance that it would. Better than believing in fairy tales that give you false hope.

    As for the weightloss - man it's been an up and down journey. Planning on going more down again as I have renewed energy in light of the volunteering work that I'm hoping to get into.

    So that is me: athiest & jobless

    Got to laugh, albeit extremely cynically, otherwise I'd just cry.

  • still thinking
    still thinking

    Welcome back LouBelle.....so glad you are still with us....

    Sounds like the best way to go from here is up...volunteering sounds like a fantastic idea...good on you.

    I know how you feel about the job being misleading...I'm sure most of us have experienced that. All you can do is put it behind you...and put it down to experience and time wasters.

    godless & jobless....I don't think that will get you a job in politics...but I'm guessing you weren't heading in that direction anyway. I wonder how they feel about that at Christian children Fund...do they still take you on if you say you don't believe in god?

    Anyway...fantastic to see your name pop up again. Keep us informed about how you are feeling. We do want to hear about it...well I do anyway.

  • doofdaddy

    All there is is you. That is it. You are the only one that can open doors, create opportunities. You and the decisions you make.

    Now that is the REAL secret.....We are the "gods" of our destiny.

    Hey and stop the silly thoughts about suicide and hopelessness. I didn't even leave the jws 'til I was 40 odd and only then did life really take off. Yes I had been suicidal and have had friends kill themselves but what kept me going was...You just never know what's around the corner.

  • Phizzy

    Good to hear from you Loubelle ! and great to hear you are trying to get in to volunteering, a wise old boy once said to me "the best way to help yourself is to help others", hardly original, kind of the Golden Rule, but it is true, volunteering is therapuetic.

    It makes us realise that all humans need help, all humans are valuable, and we are important and of value because of the help we can give to others.

    And, my dear girl, you need some therapy ! often the best kind is the sort you bring about for yourself as you are doing.

    Doof makes a good point above as well, for we who are now atheist, and know this is the only life we will ever have, it is even more unthinkable to end it, "around the corner"could well be a happy and fulfilling life, a life well lived.

    I wish you all the best, and please drop back in and let us know how you are doing whenever you can.

  • nancy drew
    nancy drew


    It's good to hear from you again and I know that many will say " don't feel that way try to be happy". Looking at life realistically can be disturbing and i think pretty flowers and beautiful sunsets really don't make up for all the bad stuff and it's easy to snowball into what's the use. However, what i do is tell myself that i'm going to use what time I have to continue my personal quest for the real truth about life whatever it might be. I don't know whose idea it really was to set everything in motion I'm looking at myself as an archeologist of life and everyday i chip away at the available information and try to analyze it as objectively as I can. Sometimes I take a break and watch some show on tv or go out to dinner and then I get back to it. I'm telling you this because i don't want you to feel alone in your thoughts and feelings we're all in the same mysterious boat w/o a paddle trying to figure out what's going on. Try not to let it get you down recognize it for what it is and spit at it make a path for yourself and do whatever you think might inspire or entertain you.


  • rebel8

    I'm glad to hear you are enthusiastic about a new volunteer job.

    I hope you've gotten treatment for your depression. Life doesn't have to be full of that kind of suffering.

  • cantleave

    Best of luck with the volunteering, it may help you to "find yourself".

    Living your life without the guilt of an all seeing, all powerful mythical man in the sky is very freeing. Logic and reason, not fairy tales and taking control of your own destiny, will help you achieve what you want!!

  • Disillusioned Lost-Lamb
    Disillusioned Lost-Lamb

    You need a BIG HUG.

  • ziddina

    Lou Belle... So sorry to hear that you've no long-term employment. I sincerely hope that you continue to seek employment opportunities, even though you are feeling discouraged right now.

    About that situation in Uganda - Please PLEASE PLEASE double-check EVERYTHING about that "volunteer" situation - it could turn out to be much worse than that job that didn't turn out the way you'd expected...

    And please do continue to eat right, even if you must push yourself. Maintaining your health is VITAL right now - it will be your best ally against depression and difficult situations...

    HUGE hugs for you...!! ((((((((((Lou Belle))))))))

  • Billy the Ex-Bethelite
    Billy the Ex-Bethelite


    Don't beat yourself up over some old mistakes. I do it plenty myself... enough for both of us, so you can set your mind to better tasks. Oh, and I'm a decade older than you, so you can tell yourself, "well, at least I'm not as old as Billy!" I'm living on a student budget, so completely agree that being broke totally sucks. Okay, that's enough of me bitching, I don't want to get either of us down.

    Good luck with the temp work. At least it's something to add to your resume. Maybe you'll get some fresh contacts there, or if you get involved in volunteering. That can certainly look good on a resume.

    Despite the hard time you're going through now, don't forget that you have genuine value. Just because there isn't some sky-daddy, don't look around and say, "What's the use?" Just as you know you are of value to your gran, there are plenty of children in the world that need help, education, and love. And the more you give, the more you get.

  • Aussie Oz
    Aussie Oz

    ''The truth will set you free''.

    The truth is as you have just found: It is within yourself, it is within us, we are all there is. Not God, Satan or destination, just us doing our best and worst.

    and why is that above phrase in the bable? Becaus the writer knew that christianity was slavery and a lie. thats my opinion anyway!

    All the best on the upward journey!


  • james_woods

    Sometimes the best memories of life are the worst memories of life - after you overcome them and remember the time later.

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