In Love with a JW but he dumped me

by Ranavalona 28 Replies latest social relationships

  • Ranavalona

    So I just broke up with my JW boyfriend of over two years, nearly three. When I met him he was disfellowshipped and I didn't find out he was a Jehovah's Witness unitl 4 months into the relationship. Six month into he was reinstated with the caution of getting rid of me, but he didnt. We didn't do holidays except I insisted that I needed to be treated nicely for my B-Day which he did either the day before or after. I even studied-with his mother. I would go to meetings and assemblies. I told him I would not convert but I wanted to understand his background so that I can keep our relationship harmonious. But the issue was he never told his parents outright that we were dating. This was an issue we argued about constantly. Just this January I ot angry with him again and broke up with him.

    We had done the "this isn't going to work out" dance before but we always got back together within a weeks time. Oh yes we were sexually active. This time I told him I was tired of hiding and lying and why couldnt he just tell his parents the truth. I told him that he was getting to old to be lying to his family and to himself. Mostly he was lying to himself. I expected that he would man up and tell his parents and we would get back together. But we didn't. He said he wanted me to be his friend still and we were with the sex still and hanging out, like we were a couple still. When I called him out on this and asked whether we were dating or not he said no we are still just friends and he needs to get his life back on track and do right in his religion, so in short he picked the religion over me. It hurts because it seems like he is vilifying me, like me being who I am has fucked up his life when I didn't even know he was a JW at first.

    I felt like he was my soulmate. I really wanted to marry him and I was working out all the details in my head. Heck as a wordly Baptist I encouraged him to go to the meetings I would even read the publications with him (i stopped my study a while back). I never even told him all the juicy apostate stuff I researched just out of respect for him, but I guess he didn't respect me. I know I should not feel bad and its probably a good thing it didn't work out but I guess my question is was it ever going to work out and if it does one day will he have to completely abandon the organizaiton. I saw the pain on his face when he talked about being disfellowshipped (3 years for premarital sex-really). I just don't understand them. Can somethign that seemed so right really be over because of religion? I guess this is really just a vent. I have read this website the entire time I have dated him so I guess I have my answers, it still sucks. sorry for the long post. Im a first timer. All comments and advice are welcomed.

  • wannabefree

    you are much better off ... I am sorry for you ... but at the same time, congratulations

  • Stealth

    The end of most relationships suck, sorry for that. However the truth is he would always put the religion before you. That is no way to build trust in a relationship. You are lucky, you just don't know it yet.

  • james_woods

    This is a common theme here - the romance between a JW and a non-JW who has no idea what they are getting into.

    It seems like there is one of these every week or two.

    I sympathize deeply - but my comment is harsh.

    Forget this guy - he is too much controlled by this cult to ever be anything with you.

    BTW - Welcome to JWN.

  • Berengaria

    Consider yourself lucky my dear

  • Stealth

    If you think about it, he is really using you by keeping you hidden in the closet. If you get mad enough about this, you should report all of his sexual activity to the elders so they can give him another 12 months on the side line. What an asshole.

  • jwfacts

    Welcome. He obviously has issues with honesty, and so you are lucky to have gotten out of the relationship now, then be stuck with someone so untrustworthy.

    This is a common theme here - the romance between a JW and a non-JW who has no idea what they are getting into.

    It stuns me how my JWs go out and have their fun, without telling the partner. It seems being raised a JW breeds such deceptiveness.

  • garyneal

    You are better off without him, and my advice, stay as far away from Jehovah's Witnesses, Moonies, Mormons, Fundamentalists, etc, as possible. They have a warped view of the world.

    Think of it this way, it hurts because it did not work out. It really hurts. I can sympathize with that. Now imagine if it did work out, you two get married, he gets reinstated and becomes gung-ho on his religion. There goes birthdays for your kids, if your kids want to participate in holiday activities at their school, your husband will feel ultra compelled to prevent that. Your husband will feel ultra compelled to take the kids to all the meetings, leaving you at home alone. Of course, you could go along but you will feel like you are selling yourself short, doing things for others and not doing what makes you happy. You will here a constant barrage about how people in the world are second class people, only they are good people.

    Sure, you and your husband may work out something and he may promise not to try to indoctrinate them. However, he will feel compelled to indoctrinate them to hate all holidays and view people of the world with disdain. If not him, then someone else in the cong will. I had a JW babysitter scare my daughter into not wanting to watch Super Why. Fundamentalist wackos are like that as I recall how wacky some of the people at the IFB churches I use to attend were about Captian Planet and the Smurfs. Thank God my daughter got over that fear of Super Why (she watches it now).

    I don't have to go into the whole blood thing do I? He will feel compelled to refuse blood transfusions for the kids and for YOU, even at the cost of life itself.

    Count your blessing, leave this board, and do not look back. Stay away from these fundamentalist wackos and live your life.

  • biometrics

    My brother married a girl who got pregnant to a JW when she was 16. She kept the child and raised him by herself. The JW father never wanted to see or have anything to do with his own son, and never paid child support.

    Now the father is a MS or something higher in the JWs. His son wrote him a heartfelt letter to get in contact, he replied saying he's not interested in meeting him. He's too worried that it would affect his position in the congregation. Despite the fact his son is now a JW too!

    The point being if the JWs can make a father so cold hearted toward his own son, what chance does a 'Worldy' girlfriend have?

  • av8orntexas

    Stealth hit the nail on the head.

    He was just using you. Gets to have all the sex he wants. No one knows...then......when he's done having fun,go back and ask forgiveness.

    My ex did the same thing. Got DF'ed for having sex with one ex of hers. While DF'd when out,partied,clubbed,met a non-JW guy and married him. Now.....she's had all her fun and she's reinstated and everything is cool. WTF ????????

    I've seen people do this so many times............

    They have their cake and eat it too.

  • GLTirebiter
    He said he wanted me to be his friend still and we were with the sex still and hanging out, like we were a couple still. When I called him out on this and asked whether we were dating or not he said no we are still just friends and he needs to get his life back on track and do right in his religion, so in short he picked the religion over me.

    Welcome! I'm sorry your reason for coming here was is so painful. Like James Woods said, this happens much too often.

    He wasn't just picking the religion over you, he was using you. He was playing the good JW at the Kingdom Hall while breaking every rule he can get away with. He wants all the "benefits", but he isn't interested in being a genuine friend (friends are honest). I'm sorry to have to say this so harshly, but you deserve somebody who will treat you with respect and honesty, while he deserves somebody who will do unto him as he does unto others. Walking away is probably the best thing to do.

  • Lozhasleft

    Hello and welcome. I'm sorry you are hurting. As some have said this scenario is all too common. Having the WTBS in a marriage is worse than having another woman, you can never take priority. Hard as it is you really have had a lucky escape. You don't need to tie yourself to a deceitful cult member. Pick yourself up and live a little and next time around find someone who will adore you and meet your emotional needs. This man never can. Don't waste yourself on him, please. You certainly deserve a better deal.

    Loz x

  • steve2

    Warning: A awful lot of disfellowshipped JWs are like very guilty children who try to hide their worldy deeds from "Mom and Dad" (i.e., the religion). And just like children caught with their hand in the cookie jar, these scolded JWs can take only so much disapproval from their parents before they snap, crumble and fall back into line. Tails have never before been so contritely tucked between legs.

    Trouble is, once they re-secure their parents' moist-eyed approval, they get 'dem itchy feet for wordly deeds all over again. The dreary cycle starts again and the same old "worldly" girls or guys get used.

    So, as much as it hurts you right now, you're better off falling in love with a man who behaves, not like a child, but an adult capable of taking and making grown-up decisions.

    Your job is simple: Celebrate your now-found freedom from having an intimate relationship with a "mere" child cleverly disguised as a shell of a man. Now get your butt out there and find yourself a real man! You deserve one for a change.

  • Phizzy

    Hi Ramovo !

    Good screen name, she was a strong woman. The advice above is good, the JW who will not see what the religion really is will always choose the religion over anything or anyone else.

    It hurts like hell to move on from someone you love, but you have to look after yourself, he will not look after your interests in any way, he is too selfish, sad but true, and change is not for him.

    Good luck for the future, I am sure you will fall in love again soon, this time I hope with someone who deserves you.

  • Slidin Fast
    Slidin Fast

    There must be someone without all that baggage. He has been dishonest (he has to be or he loses his family). He has to choose between you and all the rest of his life. He will be conflicted and unhappy if he does not make that decision.

    At best you will only have half a man until he makes the break.

    He makes the break or you are in limbo.

  • Bangalore

    Welcome to the board.


  • Ranavalona

    All of you are amazing. I knew all of this before but its great seeing it in writing. Thanks! And I am glad that Phizzy recognizes the name. She was a strong woman, I had forgotten that, so I have to be strong too. It will be very difficult but I will do alright.

  • insearchoftruth

    Would agree with the general thoughts on this thread, my wife was raised JW and is in an on again/off again relationship with the WTS and when she is, the WTS comes first.

    You shall do great!!!!

  • nugget

    So sorry for you it is always a shock when the religion comes before what is important. The fact that he never fully committed to you is a good indicator of what your life would have been like. The fact that he wanted to continue seeing you without any commitment shows that he wasn't true to either you or his faith. He betrayed both.

    As a witness he could never give you his heart or feel free to be with you. Even if he had chosen you, the sad truth is you would never have his heart. You could devote yourself to him but he would never do the same for you. Out there is someone who can give you his heart and love, who will take pride in being seen with you and will not put you lower in his life that his beliefs. You deserve a healthy happy relationship and in some ways you have had a lucky escape. When you get into a non dysfunctional relationship you will realise what you have been missing and wonder why you spent so much time with this man.

    Good luck in your future relationships.

  • diamondiiz

    Feel lucky you didn't marry the guy. It may sound cold and hard to understand, but your breakup with him is the best thing that could have happened to you. Dating or worse, marrying a believing JW may end up a horror story for anyone. Sure there are marriages that are happy between jws and non believers but I would guess they are in minority.

    A believing JW will always put wts ahead of you. Meetings, weekly recruitments all take priority over you, anything you do to interupt that is "your fault because you are worldly and don't understant and lover Jehovah"... The respect you have for him, he will never have for you unless he researches watchtower and comes to understand it's a fraud, until he is at that point he is and most likely always be damaged goods that you don't need in your life.

    There are a lot of good JWs but because of their belief system they can't be real friends, nor can they be marriage material. These people generally have families that won't accept non-JW spouse in to their families on the same level as they would another JW. Your kids will most likely be forced to be indoctrinated in their ways, and even if the JW parent would allow the other parent to chose religiously for the kids (very doubtful) the kids would still be bombarded with JW beliefs and guilt from the JW grandparents.

    You're JW buddy is using you and that's all there is to it, if you want any chance with him get him to start researching his beliefs and don't be anything more than friends with him until he actually grows some balls and starts treating you like an equal not like a "worldly" person.

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