"Disobedience is very costly"

by TOTH 32 Replies latest jw experiences

  • TOTH

    WOW, I had some words with my father in law. Over the years I have always had such a profound respect for him because he used to speak from the heart and used the Bible to express his view, but lately he has become more and more "WT-ish" with his comments.

    My wife has been suffering from severe pain for years due to injuries suffered at the hands of her 1st husband. He was never baptized as a jw but came from uber jw stock and was an "approved associate" at the time they married. Well, as the wedding drew near my wife's dad decided that her marrying this doosh was not a good idea and he tried to break them up. He went so far as to beat her severely with a belt all over every inch of her body. But she loved the guy and refused.

    Things went very badly for her and suffered many beatings and humiliations at this guy's hands. Eventually she escaped with her life and returned to the meetings only to be disfellowshpped a short time later. They typical shunning by family ensued and she succumbed to the presure and returned and was reinstated. Now I suppose this was good because I was "IN" at that time, met her and fell in love with her and we were married. As time went on we discovered that we both felt the same about the wt being utterly full of bs and we decided to fade instead of outright leaving to spare her the wrath of her family.

    In the 22 years we have been together her condition has become worse. She needs lots of pain medication and we recently discovered that the situation will continue because her doctors say that any invasive procedures will do more harm than good. Anyway, her dad asked me how she is doing. REALLY doing. So i told him the same thing. She is in lots of pain and suffers a lot. He then went into this condescending and self serving rant about how this is all her fault. "Disobedience is very costly..." He said that HE was opposed to her marrying the 1st husband but NOOO she had to disobey and marry him anyway. Jehovah through the wt is wise in telling us to obey our father and mother blah blah blah and that if she suffers, she suffers justly. He had told her this very thing a few days before!

    W O W !!

    I got pretty irate with him but was desperately trying to find a way not to just explode on him and Eff Up everything and cause her even more hurt by me disrespecting the father she loves so dearly. So i thought it over then said that I was surprised that he would take that position, being that when she got married IN the kingdom hall that he did not stand and give just cause why she and that man should not be wed. On the contrary not only did he GIVE HER AWAY but he danced until late in the night at her wedding. He just looked at me.... Then I said that I suppose he suffers all of his maladies justly. He is in constant pain because he broke his neck not on the job or out in field service or rescuing a bus load of orphans as the bus careened out of control. No, he broke his neck showing off how high he could jump from a swing and landed on his head. Using his line of thinking, then HE also suffered because of his own disobedient and reckless ways and should be shown no sympathy at all. And he does go on to everyone about how much he suffers too....My youngest son says that his grandpa is a bit of a MARTYR. He steers every single conversation to how bad off he is and by the way...Have you got any Vicodin I can have?

    Well, my poor wife cried on my shoulder again last night about how shitty her dad has been lately. He just did the same thing to her about her son from the first marriage. The kid is 27 and suffers from schizophrenia. He hears voices and is currently in a phase where all he wants to do is "Walk Around". He is homeless and very happy. When she asked her dad for advice he said that since the kid had stopped going to meetings that the devil possessed him. When she said that he is mentally ill, he said that there is no such thing as mental illness. All crazy people are possessed by demons. That broke her heart....

    I am feeling like the best thing to do is just back away from that whole side of the family. I wish we had the money on hand to just pick up and go, but as it is we are stuck in this podunk little town right across the street from her dad and his stupid pioneering and abusive to him wife.

    Thanks for letting me vent....

    Larry...AKA Tired of the Hypocrisy

  • Tater-T

    Dude !! I feel your pain ... they are a vile bunch who say they have love among themselves.. freaking brutal.. I did not know they really believe there is no mental illness.. WOW

    Good luck dude..

    L8R T8R

  • baltar447

    OMFG. People STILL believe that shit?

  • Yan Bibiyan
    Yan Bibiyan

    What a dick!

  • Violia

    I once had a sister tell me that I had my hysterectomy due to my what she thought was my " immorality". She really knew noting, just gossip. I said to her " I guess you had to have an hysterectomy due to all your immorality?" she said " how dare you" I said " how dare you!". I see you sort of took this tactic with your FIL but understand fully your need to walk on egg shells.

    One thing that came to mind reading your post is it sounds like to me that your wife had a lot of childhood abuse and if you can get her in therapy perhaps she can explore this, Her father may not be toxic but he sounds like it. I grew up with some hardliners myself and know about the tough love they believe in. Also, no offense, but perhaps the wife is a bit of a princess ?

    Yes mental illness is not demons, but older JWS and some other religions still think so. Is this a son from the first marriage? Did his father abuse him? There is so much more to be explored here but I like the way you think. I like that you are on your wifes side.

    oh and welcome to the board.

  • Billy the Ex-Bethelite
    Billy the Ex-Bethelite

    You handled him pretty well. I probably would have been a total as$ and told him that maybe she wouldn't have married that abusive jerk if she wasn't so desperate to get out from under her terrible father's roof.

  • DilemmaGF

    OMG!! Do they even teach about forgiveness in the congregation? ... and unconditional love? How about "do not judge?". So-called act of love!!!

  • tec

    You handled him pretty well. I probably would have been a total as$ and told him that maybe she wouldn't have married that abusive jerk if she wasn't so desperate to get out from under her terrible father's roof.

    I was thinking that also, since his way to deal with her doing something he disapproved of was to beat her.

    I think you handled him very well. Tossing his 'judgment' of her back on him like that. Well done. Unfortunately, it seems like he didn't pay it any heed. Keep giving your wife strength and support. And welcome to the board.



  • Quandry

    Don't stay "stuck in a podunk little town." See if you can take classes in a Tech school or online in a University to better your earning potential and just feel a bit elevated from your environment. Knowledge is freeing.

    There was a sign in a place I used to work. A circle had the words "bang head here." You might as well do this if you think the man is going to change.

  • TOTH

    Is this a son from the first marriage? Did his father abuse him?

    Yes he is my step son but was spared being exposed to that ass. Unfortuantely his older sister was not and both kids are schizophrenic.

  • AnnOMaly

    How old is your father-in-law? It's sounds like he's going a little nutty.

    A and for handling it so well, and afor your poor wife.

    Every time your FIL complains about the pain he's in, just shrug your shoulders and remind him that it's his own fault. Maybe he'll get the point eventually.

    If he doesn't and he still displays the same obnoxious attitude to your wife and step-son, it's time for you and your wife (for the sake of your own wellbeing) to distance yourselves from this toxic person.

  • Miles3

    Well, as the wedding drew near my wife's dad decided that her marrying this doosh was not a good idea and he tried to break them up. He went so far as to beat her severely with a belt all over every inch of her body.
    he said that there is no such thing as mental illness. All crazy people are possessed by demons.

    You can't fix crazy.

    As for the beating, seems like there was a reason your wife chose to marry an abusive first husband, and it's great she chose wiser with you.

    I support Quandry's advice, when you're stuck associating with crazy and abusive whackos, life looks bleak whichever way you look and you can never imagine for you, your wife and your kids to ever get better. Then when for a reason or another you get out of the hole you're stuck in, your view of life completely changes and so does that of your family members. Especially with the intense pain your wife has, that's to strong for medication to have a notable effect, a brighter outlook and not being brought back to depressing situation does wonder. Hospitals notice significant decrease in pain medication and patients reporting less pain when engaging in clown and comedy activities, and I can confirm from personnal experience (living with crazy, then getting out is also something I can confirm ;) ).

    I really hope you can get out, especially since the situation weights on you. Sometimes, even though you love the people (talking about your in-laws), they're really ruinning the life of anyone close by, and only having nobody around to complain to will give them the kick in the butt that makes them realise they ought to get a fricking life.

  • flipper

    TOTH- I'm so sorry your wife suffered abuse from her dad and first husband. How awful ! With an father like she has who has no human empathy I'm sure she is hurting deeply emotionally as well as physically . It's too bad this tool of a father lives across the street from you folks. Man, I would try to limit contact with him to a virtual standstill so he won't be able to inflict emotional abuse on your wife anymore. I feel for you guy. Remember, we are here for you if you ever need to chat, O.K. ? Peace out , Mr. Flipper

  • Mad Sweeney
    Mad Sweeney

    Her father beat her to within an inch of her life just before her first wedding, he's is unkind and unloving and selfish, she KNOWS the Borg is BS, and she still goes to her dad for advice.

    Her family sounds completely toxic. Avoid as much as possible.

  • TOTH

    Thank you all for your responses. It IS very tough to be living across the street from him, One good thing is that he has stopped visiting or even calling much. He used to really pressure my wife to "SHARE" her pain meds with him and she would. Once he asked her for some pills the day before he was to see the doctor for refills. She offered him ten of them and he got mad and said, GIVE ME 20! And he reached into her purse to grab the bottle. She told him no...He was seeing the dr in the morning and 10 as it was was MORE than he should even take in a 24 hr period. He got really mad. Then when he got his pills from teh doc he never came to return the ten pills she loaned to him. She called a 2 weeks later and he said that he was already out of medication. She said she needed them back and he said that he was sorry but he is in more pain than she is.

    I finally got to talk to his doctor and told him not that she gave him pills but that he was nagging her for some. He increased his dosage. He gets almost 200 Dilaudid, 220 Fiorinol with Codeine, and a gang of Tramadols. And he was asking her for MORE??? WTF! I explained to her that with him taking that amount (One Month Supply) in two weeks time and that if she gave him ANYTHING she could actually be giving him a fatal dose. She realized just how bad it is and stopped sharing.

    Well it has been some time now and he only calls to see if she can "Help him out with pills". She always says she has none and hates lying to him. I told her that it's a fu@@ing shame that she feels like she has to lie to him. He guilts her and says that he will be dead soon and that he hopes she can live with herself being that she refuses to help him. ASS! She feels bad that he only sees her as a source of drugs.

    He's 70 and has been abused by his pioneer wife. She neglects him so she can go to stupid field service. She has been a regular pioneer for over 20 years and has not seen one of her studies be baptized. Not even her kids from her previous marriage are in the wt. She is a turd with a minivan who puts her wt service before everything. We have called adult protective services three times on her and the last time he LIED and said she was treating him fine. He WHINES about how she leaves him all alone and won't fix him anything to eat so we act then he lies to teh cops and social worker. WTF...

    I hope he just leaves her alone from now on. It's a shame because she loves him so much.

  • Violia

    Is your FIL in a WC or unable to help himself? He makes it across the street to coerce pain meds out of your wife but can't fix a sandwich? I know I don't have all the info, but based on just what you have said , sounds like your MIL is just trying to stay sane and personally I think you all are enabling HIM .

    If I was married to him I'd be out in FS everyday too.

  • TOTH

    He is Old School...Wife should cook etc..When he cooks he just opens a can of veg all and pours it into a pan then breaks some eggs into it with butter. He never learned to cook at all from what I understand. And I think my wife WAS enabling a drug habit, but since she stopped I believe he is now punishing her for no longer doing it.

  • Violia

    I understand old school and indeed I only know what you have said on the board . I think if I'd lived with this man I would either be in FS or hanging out at a bar all day. Dear Lord, the woman needs a break. Unless she is abusing him physically etc or emotionally, don't report her to APS. Have a heart. You live across the street and he is driving you guys nuts. I think your MIL deserves a medal.

    He can make a sandwich, scramble and egg, etc. My father was old school too- so I get it. Still, he can open soup , put on TV dinner, whatever. She is probably just trying to save what is left of her mind.

    Good that you and wife figured out not to give him drugs b/c what happens there is he will turn on her ( your wife)and tell his doc she was giving him drugs - and then the doc will be reporting you guys to adult protective services. See how this goes?

    Can I be frank with you? this old guy probably needs to be in a nursing home. No human should be expected to put up with the kind of abuse I am pretty sure he is dishing out. If you care to get involved maybe talk to MIL and doc and see if you can move him somewhere where they get paid to take cr*p like this.

  • Band on the Run
    Band on the Run

    I discovered Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional /families, a Twelve Step program. In many ways it helped heal childhood abuse more than therapy. One of the first things I learned is that abuse is generational. It travels down families as though it were a gene. Sometimes, it skips one generation but surfaces again. I still don't understand but abused women are attracted to abusive husbands. It is comfortable. I once took this as the highest insult. They don't mean that you like it. It only means that you are familiar iwth it and know no other way of beating.

    There are fourteen traits associated with abuse that linger into adulthood. Without treatment and conscious choice, they will ruin your adult life. Reading about it is almost useless. Change must happen in the real world and it is scary.

    Setting appropriate boundaries is one of their main themes.

    She has you. I've heard the worst stories in meetings. Most people manage to keep in touch with their families. Others have had no contact in decades.

    Get some help.

  • Violia

    He's older and in chronic pain and can't take care of himself. Talk to the doc for starters. Your MIL is escaping an intolerable situation, help her. Help him. You can still visit him at the nursing home and stay in his life.

    I think that your FIL may be begging you to help him. I know it may not sound like it, but what do wounded animals do? they bite and all that. You respected this man at one time and now he is not what he once was. He may have dementia. Can you now be the man of the family and try and get him help, if for no other reason than to protect your wife?

    The more I think of it the more I see a man trying to get his SIL to take the reins now.

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