Woe is me...

by gutted 16 Replies latest social relationships

  • gutted

    I need to get this out and this is the only place I know that it will be ok to do so.

    So I've been out (inactive) for over a year a half now and decided I wanted a relationship with a non-JW, obviously. I'm in my late 20s and never really had a girlfriend. It doesn't help that I'm an introvert and not a very social person, add to that the guilt and control issues I have from JWs and I don't think I have many outgoing attractive qualities.

    I have been on dates with about 4 girls so far, one I approached randomly and the others from online dating. The latest girl after the second date texted me that we aren't compatible which sucked but oh well.

    I still feel somewhat optimistic but am having a lot of thoughts of being a "forever alone". At times I think that it'll be ok, but I know this is actually a really hard part of my life right now. I have so little experience and girls around my age have so much more which I find intimidating.

    The online thing is going hard, I've worked on my profile and messages but I barely get any replies and if I do it doesn't go past a reply or two.

    And I've read a lot of information on dating and self-improvement, I dress well and take care of myself but still no dice.

    I don't necessairly blame JWs because my other friends who left at the same I did are getting girls, one recently got a girlfriend so I've come to the conclusions my personality sucks or is lacking which has been very hard on me and I feel depressed a lot.

    I'd like to hear from people that have been in a similar boat... I know the old advice of "just get out there" but I've tried that and feel like giving up.

  • Robdar

    Nobody ever got anywhere by giving up. Keep going to events you find interesting. When you find a gal that you think is cute, give her a smug grin then turn away and ignore her for a few minutes.

    You might also want to go out with a buddy to do a little flirting. That way you'll have support. Also, don't make everything serious and don't take yourself too seriously either. Girls like guys who are fun and in charge.

  • N.drew

    Please learn to apply the AA slogan to your life "one day at a time". You say "" I still feel somewhat optimistic but am having a lot of thoughts of being a "forever alone"" but that is self defeating.

    My wisdom about love is limited, but I think it is true (for women, I don't know about men) that once you stop looking, then you will find. It means that when you are happy with the way things are for yourself, then you will be more attractive to someone else. Which isn't fair, but it might work! Be happy! Find contentment. Do not worry about what won't happen or even what will happen. Just live each day the best you know how, which you seem to be doing. Keep doing it.

  • lisaBObeesa

    Most people start dating around 14 and keep dating for around 7 to 10-sih years before they are ready to find a person to marry or very seriously commit to. Many people take much longer.

    Give yourself some time.

    Don't be hard on yourself or feel like it is never going to happen. You WILL find someone in time. Don't worry.

    But you have to go through all the things everyone goes through learning about dating and yourself and relationships. You can't skip those steps you missed as a teenager. You have to have all the first silly dates, then some rediculous relationships, have your heart broke, have your heart heal, break a heart...learn so many things, go through all the ups and downs of dating that most people suffer through as teens. You have to go through them to grow and learn, and you will. Just don't give up, and take it easy on yourself. It takes time to do this.

    You are exactly where you are supposed to be, given exactly all you have been through in your life. I bet your exJW friends who are getting girls had already had some relationships, so they are a bit further along in the process of learning about themselves and relationships, etc.

    You are just starting out. You're doing GREAT!

  • ABibleStudent

    Hi (((((((gutted)))))))), welcome to the real world! Considering you were raised a JW you are doing Great! If you want to get up to speed on dating, you should probably read dating books like Mars and Venus on a Date by Dr. Grey; make friends with women and go out with those women to attract other women; smile at the women like you know a secret; ask women a question about what they are doing in the moment when trying to meet them; ask women more questions then they ask you and answer their questions in less than 30 seconds; take care of yourself either by going to the gym or working out, going to a therapist to discuss your JW phobias, dressing appropriately (suits are not always required, LOL), and wearing an attractive cologne; and learning more about what you want in life. Remember to find out who you are first and what you want out of life before you get seriously involved with another person to form a life together. Dating is an adventure so enjoy its ups and downs!

    Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,


  • Dagney

    (Gosh, I was trying to put into words exactly what Robdar said so succinctly, lol. Thx Robdar )

    As much as you want to "make" something happen, at times it will be the most elusive when you are "expecting" a specific response from another person. The best thing to do, like Robdar said, find things to do that interest YOU. It could be as simple as a running or walking club, wine tasting, book club, community gatherings...cleanups and food drives. A woman who is about something and has something going on will be attracted to the same in a man.

    Being busy in creating your own rich, full life will be an attraction to women. Go get em!

  • drewcoul


    I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was in the same boat a few years ago. I had been married to a JW. She cheated on me, I got divorced, she got reinstated, and I got DF'd later. I finally met the woman who is now my wife when I stopped looking. I tried online dating, kept tweaking my profile and met few decent women. Actually, I never had much trouble getting a date, but I had trouble meeting someone I wanted to spend more than a couple dates with.

    I agree with Robdar completely. Everyone has insecurities, but some people hide them better than others. You have to have a bit of attitude, a cockiness, and don't be afraid to speak up for yourself, make a joke, and be flirty. Women love confidence and humor. Don't get confidence confused with arrogance. You have to understand that you are just as good as anyone else in the room.

    I know a guy who was mediocre looking, didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of and had dates all the time......He didn't let fear or intimidation get in the way. He'd say: "The worst thing a woman can tell me is no.......or slap me."

    Online dating is fine, but you have to gave a great picture of yourself.......I suggest only one or two because your potential dates will look at every one of them and go over them with a fine tooth comb.......Where was the picture taken; are you dressed nicely etc......

    The most important thing is Self-confidence. Women don't want a guy who they can push around. Develop the attitude that no one.....and I mean no one no matter what their social standing, or career......is better than you. Have an attitude that you couldn't care less if that girl you noticed comes over to talk to you or not. Don't be needy or desperate. When you get this down, she'll be coming up to talk to you.

  • drewcoul
    It could be as simple as a running or walking club, wine tasting, book club, community gatherings...cleanups and food drives

    LOL!!! No offense dag, but the guy wants a date, not a pretentious do gooder. This makes me want to puke!

    Women who hang out at a walking club, book club, or community gatherings don't put out!! The guy needs to get laid, not a lesson in civic services.

  • rebel8

    drew, the op said he "wants a relationship".

    Plus who says people who go to those activites are pretentious, and what's wrong with do-gooders?

    I am having a hard time understanding your reaction.

  • EmptyInside

    I know how you feel gutted. I found it helps to just get out and meet new people and expand your group of friends. There is always someone who knows someone,who knows someone....

  • mamalove

    I have often thought that I might try online dating if I wanted to get out there. I don't have experience in it, but some of my friends have. They go on lots of dates. All I can think of is that perhaps your pictures need to be flattering and your profile make you seem interesting.

    Being an introvert, I think that social settings can be a struggle for some. Are you a good conversationalist? If not, perhaps work on conversation skills, be interested in other people, practice on old ladies on the bus, etc.

    Second, girls like confidence, not arrogance. We like guys that have their act together, and that we can respect.

    I could go on and on about this stuff, but first dates are fairly important on making a decent impression. Do you have any gal pals that you can get some honest opinions from and maybe they can help? If you are tired of online dating, perhaps just try to live life, observe people, go to places that you like to go, and maybe the right girl is there too? Just be patient and love yourself and nurture your inner person to figure out how to be your authentic self.

  • Quandry

    I'm with rebel 8. If you are looking for a one night stand, I suppose a prostitute will, for the money, tell you anything you want to hear.

    If you'd like to meet a person with a view to a relationship, you need to start making friends.

    All of the suggestions for walking club, etc. are good ones. Plus, if you didn't complete your education because of being a JW, this would make sense. You'll meet fellow students, plus increase your self-esteem by learning more about the world around you. Not to mention the opportunity to learn skills that will enable you to support yourself and someone else.

    I have been married for forty one years. We started as friends, and still are best friends. That's why we've lasted so long. I hope you find your special someone that you can be yourself around, and enjoy each other's company.

  • moshe

    Did you ever talk to a therapist? There are counselors who specialize in "relationship" disfunctions. I think you need to find out, if there are any issues unknown to you that a professional can see. I would bet a good one will zero in on any missteps that have kept you in first gear. Good luck.

  • 3rdgen

    Dear (((((((((((((((Gutted))))))))))))))) hugs from a mama. Did you see the movie "Crazy Stupid Love?" While hilarious there actually were some good tips in the beginning about dating.

    The tips you've received here are a good place to start. Go into meeting people as though you're only making friends. It will take some of the pressure off. Keep things light at first. Ask

    questions but not intrusive ones. Listen carefully to her answers and respond in the affirmative to her feelings. I agree, John Gray's books are very helpful. Good luck!

  • Think About It
    Think About It
    All I can think of is that perhaps your pictures (online) need to be flattering...

    Wear some tight pants, stuff a zucchini down your leg, and take a full body pic.

    Works for me.

    Think About It

  • Anony Mous
    Anony Mous


    There's a lot that comes down to first reactions. I have on my dating profile (just started a new profile a week ago) 70 visitors/week, 20 conversations and have several dates planned even though my chosen post-JW lifestyle is not going to be monogamous and my profile reflects that. My first date was yesterday with someone who is into my lifestyle as well and we had a great time, even brought her over to my place.

    a) Pictures - the cuter the better. Not you being cute (although it helps) but the picture being cute. I have as icon a really cute picture of me and my daughter when she was newborn and even though you can hardly make out my face or even my daughter, it gets so much response. Then I also have a picture of me laughing and another one or two, one is making faces in a swimming pool, but those are less important. Make sure you smile or do something fun and weird in the picture, something that stands out. Don't show off your abs or any other body members, it's not a turn on unless you're a Calvin Klein underwear model (and even then, his pictures are more classy). SMILE and FUN, activities. A picture of you at the convention in your suit, not good. Go here: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/my-best-face/ it helped me TREMENDOUSLY, I used their service and reorganized my pictures with instant results.

    b) Send a non-short message that explains who you are, your goals etc. even though they may be in your profile. Don't just send a girl "Hi". Make a female profile if you can and see what kind of messages they get and then don't imitate the majority of those. I tried a fake profile and had immediately 10's of messages without even a picture all saying hi and asking for sex.

    I have a bit of a boilerplate message myself that explains about me, my hobbies and my job, that I think they're interesting, I fill in what I think is interesting about their profile throughout the message (you have to read it and mention specific or funny stuff) and they should visit my profile to find out more. I would say 40% response rate. If it's thought out and it is geared towards them, women like that. Since it's boilerplate I can cut and paste and in 2 minutes or less send a highly personalized message. If you make it about them they will more readily respond, since my lifestyle is not fitting in everybody's wishes, I do get a lot of "thanks for sending me such a nice thought out message, it's a refreshing change to see that there are still guys like you. I do like that you're honest about your lifestyle but I'm not looking for such relationship", I have about 3 girls that want to keep me as a friend though.

    c) Don't let out everything to everyone. Your profile should have some basic information and some extended information on why you're interesting but don't spill all the beans. Especially our pasts as a JW make for a magnificent sob story and nobody wants to hear it (well they do, but not in a first message or some even in a first date). I keep some things an explicitly unrevealed (a witty "well, I would love to tell you more about this but not in public") on my profile and it provokes questions from girls that want to know more.

    d) Don't talk about sex or your body's dimensions unless she initiates it. Don't talk about sex in your profile. Don't send sexually tinted first messages. Don't tick off the "casual sex" button. Women are not interested in pure sex (most aren't) and some even have filters on such people so they won't even see you.

    e) Be honest and don't brag. Nobody likes sitting in front of fireplaces or long walks on the beach. Those are corny and even if you like them as romantic outings those would not be things you enjoy in every day life.

    f) Be witty and intelligent and you can show off slightly if you are intelligent in real life or have a really interesting job but again, don't brag and be honest. It's a huge turn on for most to have someone educated.

    Depending on your area you may have lots of available people or not, you won't be able to keep up with all of them anyway and right now I'm struggling to juggle them into real life dates and keeping everyone apart. You also won't get instant results, women have to warm up to you so don't ask them on a date in your second message, talk to them as you would in real life, don't be a creeper.

  • nancy drew
    nancy drew

    I suggest you just concentrate on yourself figure out what you like to do, places you like to go what interests you and you'll find the right person in those places. Don't focus too heavily on meeting someone because if your somewhere only for that reason the people there won't be right for you. Any day could be the day wake up each day ready for a surprise.

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