Acts 8 as Interpreted by the FDS

Ding

I recently heard this skit on a cassette tape. Enjoy.

Just as Philip was about to baptize the eunuch, along came one of Jehovah's Witnesses with a briefcase in hand.

JW: What are you doing?

Philip: I'm going to baptize this man.

JW: Has he finished a six-month Bible study using the Society's publications?

Phillip: Well, no. We just read straight from the scroll. The eunuch had a copy of the scroll of Isaiah.

Eunuch: Yes, Philip explained it all to me.

JW: From Adam to Armageddon?

Eunuch: Arma-WHAT???

Phillip: No, I told him all about the good news of Jesus.

Eunuch: Yes, and I believe! I do!

JW: But, Philip, you know the rules. The brothers have talked to you about this in the past. You have to work within the framework of the organization. First things first – a six-month study is a must. And that is with one of the Bible aids. You know that we cannot progress along the road to life no matter how much Bible reading we do. Each study out of the latest publications is to be followed by a brief 10 or 15 minute part about the organization, to direct the person to the faithful and discreet slave with its Governing Body in Jerusalem.

Eunuch: THEN can I get baptized?

JW:You really need to get established in the door-to-door ministry before being immersed.

Eunuch: Then after THAT can I get baptized?

JW: As long as you are attending all five meetings a week, I don't see any reason why you wouldn't qualify.

Philip: But there aren't any other Christians where he lives. He will be the first one to take the good news of Christ to that territory.

JW: What territory??

Eunuch: I'm from Ethiopia. I work for the Queen – Candace. I'm the Secretary-Treasurer.

JW: Oh, no! And you were about to BAPTIZE this man??? Philip, you know he has to quit his job before he can be baptized!!!

Philip: I guess that slipped my mind. He was so eager to learn the truth and entreated me to explain to him the good news about Jesus… I guess I lost my head amid all the excitement. I could feel the spirit directing me.

JW (pulling Philip aside and whispering): All right, Philip. Enough's enough. Forgetting some of the organizational procedures is one thing, but this talk about the spirit – you know Jehovah doesn't direct individuals! He's working through the slave class and them alone. He has been ever since Pentecost. We have to work with the slave and follow its direction. And another thing while I'm at it – the very reason our paths crossed this morning is because you are in MY territory. I checked out Gaza Road last week!

Philip: Okay, okay, but what about the eunuch?

JW (to eunuch): Let me get this straight. You'll agree to a six-month study of the Bible using a publication of the slave, quit your job, and move to Jerusalem so you can get to all five meetings and start going out in service?

Eunuch: Yes, yes. I'll do whatever is necessary to become a Christian and get life. Then, THEN, can I get baptized?

JW: Of course! Just tell the elders of your intentions. After you answer the 80 questions correctly, you can get baptized.

Eunuch (to Philip): We'll come right back here, and you can baptize me in this large body of water.

Philip (dejectedly): Sorry, we're not really supposed to do that. We'll have to wait until the next circuit assembly... it's 6 months away.

No Room For George

Classic!!!! Can you get an MP3 of that?

Ding

I don't know how I'd do that. It's just on a cassette made almost 30 years ago, I think.

keyser soze

Love it. It really shows the contrast between the message preached by JWs, and that of 1st century Christians.

No Room For George

Oh well, thanks for posting that though. That's a classic read!! Talk about going beyond what's written.

punkofnice

@Ding - To convert tape to mp3 or WAV, you need a bit of software called 'audacity' free and legal to download and was developed for free use. Oh, and a lead to connect your tape player to your PC. I'm not advertising here, just saying.

It's pretty easy. Youtube has tutorials in how to use it.

blondie

Just one thing, officially the WTS does not teach you cannot work for a secular government; only if it is by political appointment.

wobble

You are right Blondie, and in the JW bible where Paul talks to Governor Festus and King Agrippa he tells them of the six month study programme etc. and says they will both be out of a job if they become christian. Acts 26v29 on. Doesn't he ??

moggy lover

Erm....While we're on the subject, here is something that may help Watchtower followers in their quest to find evidence that the first century Christians went from door-to-door preaching. It is a fragment of an ancient ms found on my carpet the other day. It was written in the original Gibberish and has been translated by Prof Moggs my iconic cat.

"Yea, verily, it was the first day of the week and after giving a stimulating six hour public talk on the subject of How to Grovel before the Glorious GB, and having led the congregation in a two hour Manuscript Study based on the latest missal sent by the GB, the Epistle Paul did gather the faithful at the rear of the Kingdumb Hall to pair them off for the field service.

And Paul did take Timon of Athens son of Jeffery the shoe height for verily was he small of stature, and Priscilla had her spouse Aquila as a partner, although he was not desirous to go verily on this work since he desired to see the the bootball match, for verily it was the Grand Finals and the East Coast Romans were playing off against the South Spartans.

And all were paired off except for Malcolm the Malodorous who had bad breath, for verily did no one desire to go with him. And look! The Epistle Paul did go once with him, but cutting short the work, did forswear mightily, Never again with that one.

And Paul and Timon did verily call on Eddy the Inebriate, and look! did not the Epistle Paul give a mighty witness to the name of Jibberjabber at the door? Yea, verily. And Paul did tell of how bad and evil the present System of Unwanted Things was, and how Jabberer was going to destroy this System of Unwanted Things tomorrow at tea time, and if but Eddy the Inebriate was interested, the Epistle Paul would gladly start up a six month Manuscript Study in the latest codex of GB statements entitled "Latest Codex of GB Statements"

And verily did Eddy say "I do believe....." and Paul did bless him and his household and did offer the latest manuscript for a donation of six Sistares, and verily did Eddy say "Verily I do believe I shall have another drink" And Paul did execrate and thunder against him, and ripping his garments asunder, he did walk away. And yea verily the garments he ripped asunder was that of Timon of Athens, son of Jeffrey the shoe height for he was small of stature, and verily and forsooth did he sue the Epistle Paul for it was fine raiment purchased at Claudius and Binky's - Haberdashers of renown.

And Priscilla and Aquila did call on the door of Joe, son of Hector the Hammer for verily was he he a blacksmith, and Roger the Knitter, for verily were they that sort of family. And fluttering her eyelashes at hm, for look! he was comely and he found favour in her eyes, she like the Epistle Paul did give a mighty witness to you-know-who's name, for verily had she been well trained, being for years in the ministry school.

And she offered her latest manuscript to the comely youth who, besotted by Aquila, agreed to purchase the manuscript and look! did he not agree to a free six month Manuscript study, after being told that this System of Unwanted Things would at tea time tomorrow? Yea verily.

And at the end of a stimulating day of witnessing, the faithful did gather back at the Kingdumb Hall and there was much rejoicing for the Glorious GB had been magnified among the people who were agog with apathy. And all had placed literature on a contribution and all were well pleased, except the Epistle Paul who had placed nothing.

And verily, storming out in a rage, forsooth did he tell all that they had better put in their hours pronto, to be sent to the GB for their Annual Boasting Assembly to be held at Ephesus in the summer.

Meanwhile, In Corinth, The Apostle Paul, Envoy of those called "Christians", was testifying to The Lord Jesus Christ when the Gov....."

Unfortunately the manuscript breaks off here.

This translation was made by Moggy Wonder, the Iconic Cat, and the Spoiltest cat in Christendom, from an ancient manuscript written on a breezy afternoon last week. How she did it of course is a wonder in itself considering that she reads the text upside down and from left to right. And she needs glasses. Mine.

With apologies to Prof Python; Monty, of BBC University.

doubtful

Hilarious!

Acts 8 as Interpreted by the FDS

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