So, I received a wake up call in the last 48 hours that reminded me of the need to keep my head down if I don't want to get my ass DF'd for apostasy. Someone on here posted an interesting blog about this Baptist minister who doesn't believe in God any more. Found here: http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/watchtower/beliefs/207757/1/Reasons-for-disbelief-The-top-ten-reasons-I-am-an-atheist
I really enjoyed the article and decided to post it to FB. Bad idea! I got an email from an old JW friend in another city who told me she was a bit confused and wondered if I was still a JW. I went ahead and told her the watered-down truth, so she is out of my life. I felt like I had jumped off a cliff when I admitted it to her.
That night my brothers get together, along with their families and my stepson, and talk about how I am an apostate and if I don't get myself under control they are going to disown me. My nephew texted everything that was being said to me which threw me into a deep depression. Here are some of the things they said:
"She has nothing good to say about the truth."
"That's why we should stay away from Facebook. FB makes apostates."
"I hate Facebook."
"She (me) said on her blog that she is searching and has an open mind. That's the surest sign of an atheist--an open mind."
WTF!!!!!!!!!! Do they realize how stupid that sounds? So if only atheists have an open mind does that mean religious people HAVE to be close minded?
So I decided, 'Well, hell. They already think I'm an apostate...' so I took one of my brothers a box of all of our service stuff: leather bound text holders, territory holders, magazine and brochure holders, book bags, etc. I never plan on using them, I don't want to just throw them away, so I gave them to him. My hubby thought I was crazy. Nothing like coming right out and saying, "I'M DONE!" He took them with no comment and a lot of false cheerfulness. (whatever)
On the way home, I stop in at the local grocery store and run into an elder I have known all my life from the cong I am supposed to be attending. He was very kind and told me if I ever needed to talk to anyone, about anything, he would be there for me. He didn't ask me where had I been, he didn't tell me he had missed me. He just said he knew I was having a hard time and they think about me a lot. I found it very kind. I have known him my whole life and always trusted him, but I just thanked him and walked away. What else can you say?
When I got home I found my husband had posted an inflammatory comment on FB about families that disown and judge other family members because of religion. Which initiated another message from an old JW friend in Montana who wanted to know what was going on. I thought about telling her the truth, but decided I was finished with telling people all my personal business. So I told her he was having family issues. Period.
But this situation plunged me into an interesting crisis. This whole process of fading has been very interesting. I seem to swing from absolute certainty to periods of doubt and fear. The last two days made me wonder if I was in fact doing the right thing. It scared me that people I have always cared about could come to hate my name. I realized, if I want to fade successfully and not receive any "visits" I need to keep my head down, stop putting stuff on FB, and keep my opinions to myself.
I know this isn't the way a lot of you fly, but I don't want to have my name blackened. I would prefer people say, "Yeah, I don't know what happened to LUna." Rather than, "Well, you heard she was an apostate, didn't you?" "OMG, really? She was always so theocratic. Now she's the devil!" Anyway, you get the point. If you're trying to fade, keep quiet.