Update: part 2, elder's counsel to mom to quit "bad association"

by Coffee House Girl 21 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Coffee House Girl
    Coffee House Girl

    Well because I knew the questions would be the same on saturday as they were friday I was even more prepared. My mom has this pattern of repeating the same questions over and over again...she will leave it for a few hours & then she will cycle them over again, but then ask more detail.

    So saturday she calls me before I leave for home and now she is backpedalling her story. She tells me that the elder's never said that they were going to disfellowship me, they just were counseling her that she should no longer be associating with me because I am bad association and have been seen with "him" (again with the HIM) and that his car has been seen parked there all the time.

    I wont bore you with the same questions I went over in my last thread..but I told her that I loved her & I wrote her a letter a year ago expaining why I was leaving, and my lifestyle has not changed since then.

    She said ok then "see you in a bit."

    When I got there she asked me to sit down so we could talk- I said ok, but that when this talk is over, I don't want to talk about it again today. it started with the same line of questioning but this time with the statement that she may not be able to go out to dinner with me and get groceries on saturdays like we have been doing since I was 5 years old.

    I told her that no matter what the elders counsel was...I AM YOUR DAUGHTER, I HAVE A MORAL AND SCRIPTURAL RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE CARE OF YOU. I love you very much mom, and I am so sorry the elders hurt you like that. I quit going to meetings well over a year ago now, and every saturday we have went shopping and went out to eat...even with my lifestyle. If you decide that you don't want to do that with me now, that is your choice...but I AM YOUR DAUGHTER & I WILL LIVE UP TO MY RESPONSIBILITY.

    A bit more questions about "him" which I replied with nugget's line about the fact that it is human nature for me to talk to others and make friends, as you may imagine I have friends that I do meet, I may meet a friend for coffee, for dinner, to go to plays, other social things. But I have done nothing wrong.

    Mom wants to talk to the elders- I asked her to please let me handle it, I pleaded with her, told her that she had too much on her plate emotionally with my dad.

    I think she will still interfere. She asked me to call the elder, I said ok. I am thinking about leaving a message on his machine during the meeting stating that I heard that he is trying to get a hold of me & I want to say officially that I have done nothing wrong & I do not wish to meet with you at this time. If I need you, I will call you.

    aaaah....then mom & I went to a movie, grocery shopping...

    Then on the way home the questions started again... this time...she asked if I "liked him" or is he my friend.

    I asked sharply "MOM, who are you talking about?

    she finally said his name (coffee shop guy). I replied that he is my friend.

    She asked if he was divorced, and she knew his daughter was dead, but did he have other kids?

    I said I don't know...I guess he is...I think he has sons.

    That was the end for now...Ah am I glad to be home drinking a beer and feeding my face.

    Thanks for letting me vent. I am afraid it is not over


  • OnTheWayOut

    Strength to you.

  • GrandmaJones

    I think you are handling this just great.

  • flipper

    COFFEE HOUSE GIRL- I agree with Grandma Jones, you ARE handling this great ! Perfectly in fact. Keep the good work up. The elders are trying to get to you through your mom quite obviously as she seems to be quite emotional and of course, mind controlled - however by your keeping a calm demeanor and sensible outlook , especially when talking to your mom - I think you will do fine. Just keep denying, denying, denying and show authentic human love to your mom . Remember- Your mom is influenced by the elders on how to think , but you can offset that by staying loving and alert. Hang in there. Peace out, Mr. Flipper

  • Think About It
    Think About It

    I read your lastest postings. Unless you live on a street that he has to travel alot.....that elder is stalking you. I went through the same thing when my JW GF left the cult to move in with me many years ago. The stalking and attempts to contact her, until they finally DF'd her. The lead asshole elder eventually got caught seeing prostitutes and got DF'd himself.

    Think About It

  • 3dogs1husband

    Way to GO CHG! Fantastic Job! Fight for your right to Fade! Hugs and Luvs from a fellow fader........

  • sherah

    Soldier on Sis!!

  • GLTirebiter

    You're handling this well. Keep showing them that you can stand up for yourself and be a good loving daughter at the same time--show your mom the WT stereotype of non-Witnesses is not who you are!

  • clearpoison

    CHG it's nice you show in active way you are not about to abandon her, whatever happens here. One question is raised in my mind here though. Looking at your postings I've got an impression that you have severe enough relationship with CSG. If I recall it right you even considered showing him openly to your family at one stage. What I understand here based on these two last postings is that you actually decided to lie to your mom and smoothen the importance of this relation. Don't get me wrong, I think even morally there are situations it's more correct to lie or at least leave some important details unmentioned, so I'm not accusing you for anything. Just wanted to understand your final reasoning around this, what were the goods and bads when you decided go this path.


  • mamalove

    Good job! is your mom older? Do you think she is maybe secretly in her heart happy for you and just curious about your man? Surely she has to assume that you are not going to be a monk the rest of your life!

    How do these people know his car?! Is he well known in town? Why would she have details about your boyfriend's life? I realize that it becomes a huge point of curiosity. I found out through the grapevine that my ex knew where my "friend" lived, and his car, etc. How, probably google, because he knew his profession. Even then I think he would have had more clues.

    Hang in there, keep on the "I am your daughter and you know that I am only here to take care of you" path. ((HUGS))

  • life is to short
    life is to short

    I think you handled it wonderfully. I loved the part where you said I am you daughter and this is my moral and scriptural responsibility to take care of you.

    You totally took the high ground. And yes unless you live on a busy street how do they know Coffee House Guy is there? Good question.

    I hope you find peace LITS

  • RosePetal

    Yes well done they cant stop you looking after your mum, you are handling it excellently, you are a good loving daughter and she should be proud of you for being there for her. Shame on them if they try to stop you. I hope your mum sees through and see how unloving this reasoning is.

    Even if you were disfellowshipped they should not interfere with you looking after your mother. Stand your ground.

    GO GO Girl RosePetal

  • dgp

    I'm sorry to say all I can do is send you my sympathy. I do hope that your telling your mother that you will live up to your responsibility towards her will be the happy excuse she needs to keep seeing you.

    No one should have to go through any of this.

  • mrsjones5

    CHG, I'm having problems with my family (my family and I have recently been kicked out of the family - won't go into detail here cuz it would be rude and my story should have it's own topic) and I was talking about it to my dear cousin and she laid this little gem on me:

    "Does you family feed you? No

    Does your family clothe you and your's? No

    Does your family pay your bills? No

    Then they have no right to question and demand answers about your personal business."

    My cousin is one smart cookie. I just wish with all of my heart that she wasn't a jw.

  • Coffee House Girl
    Coffee House Girl

    Thank you all for your kind replies,

    Many of you wonder how they may know what CSG's car is...yes I live on a busy street, it is easy for anyone to pass by on a daily basis to go to and from work (like a suspicious elder). But that is still not proof because there are at least three cars parked here all different times of the day, and CSG knows my landlady and does computer work in her appartment- which door is adjacent to mine, you really have no way of knowing which apartment one could be entering. Plus I have an ace in the hole that I will provide upon a JC meeting that I wont share on line until after it is over.

    Clearpoison- your issue is exactly what I have been wrestling with when deciding to go this route. Do I just lie down and take it from the elders as I have always done and lose my mom, or do I fight bogus rules from a bogus organization even using less than "admirable" tactics to beat them at their game? I may still loose my mom anyway...eventually she still may choose to cut me out, but they violated human decency by upsetting her & making her feel unworthy by twisting their "laws" to try to gain control over me and her. I want to beat them for me. That is selfish, but that is truth. Mom ultimately has to make her own choice.

    Thank you again for all your love and support


  • clearpoison

    CHG, thanks for explanation. And good for you that you are able to operate even from selfish point of view. These are things that concern foremost yourself and secondary others. Going unselfish path would look very different indeed.



    they just were counseling her that she should no longer be associating with me because I am bad association and have been seen with "him"
    (again with the HIM) and that his car has been seen parked there all the time.....CHG

    Once your mom is too old too take care of herself..Those same Elders will dump her in your lap..

    They are ScumBags and Cowards..

    They will tear up your family..Then leave you to fend for yourselves..

    ........................ ...OUTLAW

  • Coffee House Girl
    Coffee House Girl

    Outlaw- as always you say it succinctly and with flair :)

    I wrote to the elders requesting to only be contacted by mail & put in a bit about how perhaps my mother being elderly and having a hard time taking care of my dad would have better benefitted from encouragement rather than counsel. Those words fell on deaf ears I'm sure.


  • cantleave

    Best of luck stay strong. BTW loved the xmas card!

  • Coffee House Girl
    Coffee House Girl

    Thanks cantleave & nugget for yours as well! I could send one of our fun cards to my "stalking" elder, that would solve it for him wouldn't it? Nah...


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