Need help with Domestic Violence references in JW literature

by Namaste 8 Replies latest jw friends

Namaste

I'm trying to help my friend's non-JW family deal with a domestic violence situation with their recently turned JW sister. I didn't know it was going to turn into a DV situation (started as something else) so I scrounged up an old Reasoning book and a few websites to give the family an idea of what they were dealing with in regards to JWs.
Now it is clearly DV and I do not have any current resources to help them reason with their family member. I did a forum search and came up with a few threads, found one from 2001 that had a few WT/AW quotes but was hoping maybe someone had something else in the past 10 years where the JW literature references DV. The familly has all the necessary outside resources and agencies that can provide assistance helping them but really want to know what they are dealing with from the JW perspective.
I've given them as much insight as I could but would like to show them the basically whacked out reasoning the society uses against people leaving these types of situations. Any new info in the books, WT or AW? Please copy and paste any info you think might be helpful, we are trying to save a young woman's life here and it is touch and go :(
Mythbuster

btt
jamiebowers

I've been out for 22 years, but from what I've read on line and heard from other ex-jws, the Watchtower's advice hasn't changed much since I was being beaten, strangled and having my life threatened. "Be a better wife", "Wait on Jehovah", "Jehovah hates a divoricing", and my all time favorite, "You know you can't remarry until you prove he's committed adultery". Yes, all of this despite the fact he'd been forcibly committed to mental institutions two times in two different states. Instead of using Watchtower literature as any source of authority, why not have the jw battered wife in question take the Mosaic Assessment Test found here: https://www.mosaicmethod.com/ .
You could also have her review some cases that have been in the news about jw family violence and murder here:
http://watchtowernews.org/familymurders.htm
I just paged down through and didn't see one of the latest cases, which can be found here:
http://watchtowernews.org/familymurders.htm
I am pm'ing you my phone number if the battered jw wife or any of her family wants to hear first hand how the Watchtower handles domestic violence.
Bangalore

*** g93 2/8 pp. 6-9 What Causes Domestic Violence? ***
What Causes Domestic Violence?
"Rather than being a refuge from the stresses, strains, and irrationality of the outside society, the family often seems to transmit or even magnify these strains."-The Intimate Environment-Exploring Marriage and the Family.
RESEARCH on the topic of family violence is a relatively new endeavor. Extensive surveys have been conducted only during recent decades. Results of such investigations may not always be consistent, but some basic factors contributing to domestic violence have been discovered. Let us consider some of these.
What Role Does Family Background Play?
A number of researchers said of their findings: "The more violent the couple we interviewed, the more violent their children are to each other, and to their parents."
Simply being an eyewitness to family violence has a great effect upon a youngster. "A child witnessing his mother being battered is equivalent to the child being battered," notes therapist John Bradshaw. One youth named Ed hated seeing his father beat his mother. Nevertheless, although he may not have realized it, he was being conditioned to believe that men must control women and that in order to do so, men must scare, hurt, and demean them. When he became an adult, Ed used these abusive, violent tactics on his wife.
Some parents cautiously forbid their children to watch violence on television, and that is a good thing. But parents should be even more cautious when it comes to monitoring their own behavior as role models for their impressionable children.
What Role Does Stress Play?
Pregnancy, unemployment, the death of a parent, moving, illness, and financial problems bring on stress, as do other things. Most people handle stress without resorting to violence. To some, however, stress can be a prelude to violence, especially when combined with other factors. For example, caring for an aged parent-particularly when the parent is ill-has often led to abuse when the caretaker is overburdened with other family responsibilities.
Raising children produces stress. As a result, the likelihood of child abuse may increase with the size of the family. Children may bring an increase in spouse abuse as well, for "it is conflict over children which is most likely to lead a couple to blows," reports Behind Closed Doors.
Improper View of the Sexes
Dan Bajorek, who operates a counseling group in Canada, says that abusive men have a wrong view of women: "Whatever culture they're from, they've been brought up to believe men are Number 1." Hamish Sinclair, who heads a treatment program for abusive men, says that men are trained to believe that they are superior to women and that it is their right "to punish, discipline or intimidate them."
In many lands the man is considered to have the right to treat his wife like a mere object, just another piece of his property. His control and dominance of his wife is taken as a measure of his manliness and honor. Often wives are horribly beaten and otherwise abused, and the legal systems do little about it because that is the code in such lands. The man is superior, and the woman inferior; she must render total obedience to him regardless of how dishonorable, violent, perverted, or selfish he is.
CBS television reporter Morley Safer reported of one South American country: "Nowhere in Latin America is the cult of machismo more apparent . . . It pervades all of society, including the courtroom where in defending his honor a man can get away with murder, particularly if the victim is his woman." He asserted that "no place on earth degrades women" as that country does. But male dominance and the degradation of women is widespread. It is not confined to one land, however severe it may be there.
Minna Schulman, director of a domestic violence and law enforcement agency in New York, stated that violence is a tool that men use to maintain control and to demonstrate power and authority over a woman. She added: "We see domestic violence as a misuse of power and control."
Some wife beaters suffer from low self-esteem, the same trait they induce in their victims. If they can do that, then their ego will have been fed, and they will feel a measure of superiority and control over another human. They feel that they prove their masculinity in this way. Yet, do they? Since they perpetrate their violence on physically weaker women, does it prove that they are truly men of strength, or does it prove, instead, that they are unreasonable? Is it really manly for a stronger male to beat up a weaker, more defenseless female? A man of strong moral character would show consideration and compassion for weaker and more defenseless ones, not take advantage of them.
Another demonstration of the unreasonable thinking of the abuser is the fact that he often blames his wife for provoking the beatings. He may imply, or even say to her, such things as: ‘You didn't do this right. That's why I'm beating you.' Or: ‘Dinner was late, so you're just getting what you deserve.' In the abuser's mind, it is her fault. However, no shortcoming of the other mate justifies battering.
Does Alcohol Make a Difference?
Since alcohol decreases control and raises the potential for acting on impulse, it is not surprising that some feel it can be a catalyst for abuse. Often a person is able to maintain control of violent emotions when he is sober, but after a few drinks, he becomes abusive. The alcohol has dulled his wits and diminished his ability to control his temper.
Others, however, claim that the problem is rooted more in stress than in alcohol itself. They say that a person who uses alcohol to cope with stress is the same type of person who may use violence for that purpose. This means that the drinker may be just as abusive when sober as when intoxicated. Nevertheless, whatever the reasoning in this regard, alcohol is surely not conducive to controlling one's emotions but will usually do the opposite.
How the Media Shape Actions
Television, as well as the cinema, some claim, encourages a macho image for males and teaches that violence is a legitimate way to deal with conflict and anger. "I was fascinated at my own intense response to the movie Rambo," admits one family counselor. "While my law-abiding [inner] adult is horrified by Rambo's mass killings, my [inner] child cheers him on."
Since many children are exposed to thousands of hours of television with countless acts of violence, rape, and degradation of other humans, particularly women, it is no wonder that many grow up to act out those very antisocial traits on others. And not only are children affected but adults are too.
Also, particularly in recent years, the degree of graphic violence, immorality, and demeaning of women as depicted on television and in films has markedly increased. This cannot but worsen the domestic violence scene. As an investigative group found, there is "a clear . . . correlation between viewing violence and aggressive behavior."
The Effect of Isolation
Life is impersonal and lonely for many today. Supermarkets and discount stores have replaced the friendly neighborhood grocery. Urban renewal, economic problems, and unemployment force families to become transient. A high rate of domestic violence is found among those without strong social contacts.
James C. Coleman, in his book Intimate Relationships, Marriage, and the Family, explains why he thinks this is the case. He feels that being a loner cuts down on meaningful conversation and makes it difficult for an abuser to see his situation objectively and to seek help from a confidant. Not having friends and close relatives who can act as a tempering force enables a person to act out his selfishness more easily, since his wrong thinking is not daily counteracted by others close to him. It is as Proverbs 18:1 says: "One isolating himself will seek his own selfish longing; against all practical wisdom he will break forth."
Help for the Violent Family
We have discussed just a portion of the explanations offered for domestic violence. There are others. Having identified some of the causes, we now need to examine solutions. If one is in a violent family, how can the pattern of abuse be stopped? What is the Bible's view? Will domestic violence ever end? The article on page 10 will address these questions.
[Box/Picture on page 9]
Emotional Violence-Hitting Hard With Words
IN PHYSICAL abuse the assault is with fists; in emotional abuse the attack is with words. The only difference is the choice of weapons. It is as Proverbs 12:18 says: "There exists the one speaking thoughtlessly as with the stabs of a sword, but the tongue of the wise ones is a healing."
How dangerous is emotional violence, including these "stabs of a sword"? Dr. Susan Forward writes: "The result is the same [as in physical abuse]. You are just as scared, you feel just as helpless, and you are in just as much pain," emotionally speaking.
Emotional violence toward a spouse: "Conjugal violence isn't just physical. A large part, perhaps even the largest, is verbal and emotional," said one long-term victim. Abuse may include name-calling, shouting, constant criticism, degrading insults, and threats of physical violence.
Malicious comments that belittle, humiliate, or intimidate can do grave damage. Like water dripping on a rock, denigrating innuendos may seem harmless at first. But self-esteem is soon eroded. "If I had to choose between physical and verbal abuse, I'd take a beating anytime," said one woman. "You can see the marks," she explained, "so at least people feel sorry for you. With the verbal stuff, it just makes you crazy. The wounds are invisible. Nobody cares."
Emotional violence toward a child: This may include the constant criticizing and belittling of a child's appearance, intelligence, competence, or value as a person. Sarcasm is particularly damaging. Children often take sarcastic remarks at face value, not discriminating between what is said in earnest and what is said in "fun." Family therapist Sean Hogan-Downey notes: "The child feels hurt, but everyone is laughing, so he learns not to trust his feelings."
Thus, in most cases, there is a ring of truth in what Scottish historian and essayist Thomas Carlyle once said: "Sarcasm I now see to be, in general, the language of the Devil; for which reason I have, long since, as good as renounced it."
Joy Byers, a child-abuse expert, says: "Physical abuse may kill a child, but you can also kill the spirit, and that is what a constant pattern of negative parental comments can do." The magazine FLEducator comments: "Unlike the bruise which can be identified and fades, emotional abuse causes unseen changes in a child's mind and personality which permanently alters his reality and his interaction with others."
[Picture on page 7]
Being exposed to violence has a strong influence on a child's later behavior
Bangalore
Bangalore

*** g93 2/8 pp. 10-14 An End to Domestic Violence ***
An End to Domestic Violence
"The prevention of violence in the home and the reduction of family violence involve major structural changes for both the society and the family."-Behind Closed Doors.
THE first murder in human history involved brothers. (Genesis 4:8) Throughout the millenniums since, man has been plagued with all forms of domestic violence. Numerous solutions have been proposed, but many have drawbacks.
For instance, rehabilitation only reaches offenders who acknowledge their problem. One recovering wife abuser lamented: "For every one of us [being rehabilitated], there are three men out there who say, ‘You've got to keep the old lady in line.'" So the abuser needs to come to terms with his own situation. Why has he developed into an abuser? By getting help to correct his own faults, he may be put on the road to healing.
But social programs are understaffed. Thus, it is estimated that in 90 percent of child-murder cases in the United States, hazardous family situations had been reported before the killing. Hence, social programs and police organizations can do only so much. There is something else vitally needed.
"The New Personality"
"What is needed is no less than a restructuring of the relations between family members," says one research team. Domestic violence is not just a problem of the fists; it is foremost a problem of the mind. Its seeds are sown in how family members-spouse, child, parent, sibling-view one another. Restructuring these relationships means putting on what the Bible calls "the new personality."-Ephesians 4:22-24; Colossians 3:8-10.
Let us examine some family-related Bible principles that help us to put on the new Christlike personality that can work toward a better relationship among family members.-See Matthew 11:28-30.
View of children: More is involved in being a parent than producing a baby. Sadly, though, many today view their children as a burden and therefore lack commitment to their parental role. These are potential abusers.
The Bible calls children "an inheritance from Jehovah" and "a reward." (Psalm 127:3) Parents are responsible to the Creator in caring for that inheritance. Those who view children as an encumbrance need to develop the new personality in this regard.
Realistic expectations of children: One study revealed that many abusive mothers expect infants to know right from wrong by the time the child is one year of age. A third of those surveyed specified six months.
The Bible shows that everybody is born imperfect. (Psalm 51:5; Romans 5:12) It does not claim that discernment is acquired at birth. Rather, it says that "through use" a person's perceptive powers are "trained to distinguish both right and wrong." (Hebrews 5:14) Further, the Bible speaks of "the traits of a babe," the "foolishness" of boyhood, and the "vanity" of adolescence. (1 Corinthians 13:11; Proverbs 22:15; Ecclesiastes 11:10) Parents must understand these limitations, not expecting more than is appropriate to the child's age and ability.
Administering discipline to children: In the Bible the Greek word translated "discipline" means "educate." Therefore, the goal of discipline is primarily, not to cause pain, but to train. Much of this can be accomplished without spanking, though that may be necessary at times. (Proverbs 13:24) The Bible says: "Listen to discipline and become wise." (Proverbs 8:33) Too, Paul wrote that one should keep oneself "restrained under evil," administering reproof with "long-suffering." (2 Timothy 2:24; 4:2) This rules out angry outbursts and excessive force even when spanking is needed.
In view of these Bible principles, ask yourself: ‘Does my discipline teach, or does it simply control by hurting? Does my discipline instill right principles or just fear?'
Behavioral limits for adults: One abuser claimed that he had simply "lost control" and beat his wife. A counselor asked the man if he had ever stabbed his wife. "I would never do that!" the man responded. The man was helped to see that he was acting within a set of limits, but the problem was that they were not the proper limits.
Where are your limits set? Do you stop before a disagreement develops into something abusive? Or do you boil over and end up shouting, insulting, pushing, throwing things, or battering?
The new personality has a strict limit, set well short of allowing mental abuse or physical violence. "Let a rotten saying not proceed out of your mouth," says Ephesians 4:29. Verse 31 adds: "Let all malicious bitterness and anger and wrath and screaming and abusive speech be taken away from you along with all badness." The Greek word for "wrath" denotes an "impulsive nature." Interestingly, the book Toxic Parents notes that a common characteristic among child abusers is "an appalling lack of impulse control." The new personality sets firm limits on impulses, both physical and verbal.
Of course, the new personality applies to the wife as well as to the husband. She should work at not antagonizing her mate, showing appreciation for his efforts to care for the family, cooperating with him. And both should not demand of each other what neither can produce-perfection. Instead, both should apply 1 Peter 4:8: "Above all things, have intense love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins."
Respect for the aged: "Show respect for old people and honor them," says Leviticus 19:32. (Today's English Version) This may be a challenge when an elderly parent is ill and perhaps overdemanding. First Timothy 5:3, 4 speaks of giving "honor" and "due compensation" to parents. This could include financial provisions as well as respect. In view of all that our parents did for us when we were helpless infants, we should give them similar consideration when it is needed.
Conquer sibling rivalry: Before Cain's hostility led to his murdering his brother Abel, he was counseled: "Sin is crouching at your door. It wants to rule you, but you must overcome it." (Genesis 4:7, TEV) Feelings can be controlled. Learn to be patient with each other, "generously making allowances for each other because you love each other."-Ephesians 4:2, Phillips.
Learning to Confide
Many victims of domestic violence are silent sufferers. But Dr. John Wright urges: "Battered women should seek emotional and physical protection from a competent third party." The same is true for any abused family member.
Sometimes a victim finds it difficult to confide in another individual. After all, trust within the closest social unit-the family-has led to pain. However, "there exists a friend sticking closer than a brother," says Proverbs 18:24. Finding that friend and learning to confide discreetly is a valuable step in getting needed assistance. Of course, the abuser needs to get help too.
Each year hundreds of thousands of people become Jehovah's Witnesses. These accept the challenge of putting on the new personality. Among them are former perpetrators of domestic violence. To counteract any tendency toward a relapse, they must continually let the Bible be "beneficial for teaching, for reproving, for setting things straight."-2 Timothy 3:16.
For these new Witnesses, putting on the new personality is a continuing process, for Colossians 3:10 says that it is "being made new." So continual effort is needed. Thankfully, Jehovah's Witnesses have the support of a multitude of spiritual "brothers and sisters and mothers and children."-Mark 10:29, 30; see also Hebrews 10:24, 25.
Then, too, in all of the some 70,000 congregations of Jehovah's Witnesses throughout the world, there are loving overseers who are like "a shelter from the wind and a place to hide from storms." Their "eyes and ears will be open to the needs of the people." (Isaiah 32:2, 3, TEV) So newer Witnesses of Jehovah, as well as more experienced ones, have a wonderful reservoir of help available in the Christian congregation as they work at putting on the new personality.
Compassionate Overseers
When people come to Christian overseers in congregations of Jehovah's Witnesses for counsel, these overseers are trained to listen impartially to all. They are encouraged to show everyone, especially the victims of severe abuse, great compassion and understanding.-Colossians 3:12; 1 Thessalonians 5:14.
For instance, a battered wife could have been brutally hurt. In many lands today, had that same battering been inflicted on someone outside the family, the abuser could have ended up in prison. So the victim needs to be treated with extraordinary kindness, as do victims of all other types of abuse, such as sexual abuse.
Furthermore, the perpetrators of crimes against God's laws need to be called to account. In this way the congregation is kept clean, and other innocent persons are protected. And very important, the flow of God's spirit is not impeded.-1 Corinthians 5:1-7; Galatians 5:9.
God's View of Marriage
When people become Jehovah's Witnesses, they agree to be bound by the principles of Christian living found in God's Word. They learn that the man is designated as the head of the family, to guide it in true worship. (Ephesians 5:22) But headship never authorizes brutalizing the wife, crushing her personality, or ignoring her wishes.
On the contrary, God's Word makes clear that husbands should "continue loving [their] wives, just as the Christ also loved the congregation and delivered up himself for it . . . Husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it." (Ephesians 5:25, 28, 29) Indeed, God's Word plainly says that wives should be assigned "honor."-1 Peter 3:7; see also Romans 12:3, 10; Philippians 2:3, 4.
Surely no Christian husband can truthfully argue that he really loves his wife or honors her if he abuses her verbally or physically. That would be hypocrisy, for God's Word states: "You husbands, keep on loving your wives and do not be bitterly angry with them." (Colossians 3:19) Shortly, when God's judgments come against this wicked system at Armageddon, hypocrites will suffer the same fate as opposers of God's rule.-Matthew 24:51.
A God-fearing husband is to love his wife as his own body. Would he beat his own body, punch himself in the face, or violently pull his own hair? Would he belittle himself with disdain and sarcasm in front of others? One doing such things would be considered mentally unbalanced, to say the least.
If a Christian man batters his wife, it renders all his other Christian works valueless in God's sight. Remember, "a smiter" does not qualify for privileges in the Christian congregation. (1 Timothy 3:3; 1 Corinthians 13:1-3) Of course, any wife who deals similarly with her husband is also violating God's law.
Galatians 5:19-21 places among the works condemned by God "enmities, strife, . . . fits of anger" and states that "those who practice such things will not inherit God's kingdom." Thus, battering one's mate or children is never justified. It is usually against the law of the land and is certainly against God's law.
The Watchtower, a magazine published by Jehovah's Witnesses, has provided a Scriptural viewpoint on the matter, saying of those who profess to be Christians yet are batterers: "Anyone claiming to be a Christian who repeatedly and unrepentantly gives in to violent fits of anger can be disfellowshiped," excommunicated.-May 1, 1975, page 287; compare 2 John 9, 10.
What God's Law Allows
God will ultimately judge those who violate his laws. But in the meantime, what provision does his Word make for those Christian mates who have been battered when the perpetrator does not change but continues his battering? Are innocent victims obligated to continue jeopardizing their physical, mental, and spiritual health, perhaps even their lives?
The Watchtower, commenting on violence in the home, notes what God's Word allows. It states: "The apostle Paul counsels: ‘A wife should not depart from her husband; but if she should actually depart, let her remain unmarried or else make up again with her husband; and a husband should not leave his wife.'" The article further says: "In the event that abuse becomes unbearable, or life itself is endangered, the believing mate may choose to ‘depart.' But the endeavor should be to ‘make up again' in due course. (1 Corinthians 7:10-16) However, ‘departing' does not of itself provide Scriptural grounds for divorce and remarriage; still, a legal divorce or a legal separation may provide a measure of protection from further abuse."-March 15, 1983, pages 28-9; see also the issue of November 1, 1988, pages 22-3.
What a victim chooses to do in these circumstances must be a personal decision. "Each one will carry his [or her] own load." (Galatians 6:5) No one else can make such a decision for her. And no one should try to pressure her to return to an abusive husband where her health, life, and spirituality are threatened. That must be her own choice, of her own free will, not because others are trying to impose their will on her.-See Philemon 14.
An End to Domestic Violence
Jehovah's Witnesses have learned that domestic violence is typical of what the Bible foretold for these last days, in which many would be "abusive," with "no natural affection," and "fierce." (2 Timothy 3:2, 3, The New English Bible) God promises that following these last days, he will usher in a peaceful new world in which people "will actually dwell in security, with no one to make them tremble."-Ezekiel 34:28.
In that marvelous new world, domestic violence will forever be a thing of the past. "The meek ones themselves will possess the earth, and they will indeed find their exquisite delight in the abundance of peace."-Psalm 37:11.
We urge you to learn more about the Bible's promises for the future. Indeed, you can reap benefits even now by applying Bible principles in your family environment.
[Footnotes]
Much good advice concerning effective parenting is included in the book Making Your Family Life Happy, published by the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society of New York, Inc., chapters 7 to 9, "Having Children-A Responsibility and a Reward," "Your Role as Parents," and "Training Children From Infancy."
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Bible principles help resolve family conflicts
[Picture on page 13]
Victims need to confide in a competent friend
Bangalore
Bangalore

*** g01 11/8 pp. 8-12 Help for Battered Women ***
Help for Battered Women
WHAT can be done to help women who are victims of violence? First, one has to understand what they are going through. Often the harm inflicted by batterers is more than physical. Verbal threats and intimidation are usually involved, so that the victim is made to feel worthless and helpless.
Consider Roxana, whose story was recounted in the opening article. Sometimes her husband uses words as weapons. "He calls me demeaning names," Roxana confides. "He says: ‘You didn't even finish school. How could you care for the children without me? You're a lazy, hopeless mother. Do you imagine that the authorities would let you keep the children if you left me?'"
Roxana's husband maintains his control by keeping a tight rein on money. He does not allow her to use the car, and he calls throughout the day to check on what she is doing. If she expresses a preference, he throws a fit of rage. As a result, Roxana has learned never to express an opinion.
As can be seen, spouse abuse is a complex subject. To be of support, listen with compassion. Remember, it is usually quite difficult for a victim to talk about what has been happening to her. Your goal should be to strengthen the victim as she deals with the situation at her own pace.
Some battered women may need to seek assistance from the authorities. At times, a point of crisis-such as the intervention of the police-can cause an abusive man to see the seriousness of his actions. Admittedly, however, any motivation to change often vanishes once the crisis has passed.
Should the battered wife leave her husband? The Bible does not treat marital separation lightly. At the same time, it does not oblige a battered wife to stay with a man who jeopardizes her health and perhaps her very life. The Christian apostle Paul wrote: "If she should actually depart, let her remain unmarried or else make up again with her husband." (1 Corinthians 7:10-16) Since the Bible does not forbid separation in extreme circumstances, what a woman does in this matter is a personal decision. (Galatians 6:5) No one should coax a wife to leave her husband, but neither should anyone pressure a battered woman to stay with an abusive man when her health, life, and spirituality are threatened.
Is There Hope for Batterers?
Spouse abuse is a brazen violation of Bible principles. At Ephesians 4:29, 31, we read: "Let a rotten saying not proceed out of your mouth . . . Let all malicious bitterness and anger and wrath and screaming and abusive speech be taken away from you along with all badness."
No husband who claims to be a follower of Christ can really say that he loves his wife if he abuses her. If he were to mistreat his wife, of what value would all his other good works be? A "smiter" does not qualify for special privileges in the Christian congregation. (1 Timothy 3:3; 1 Corinthians 13:1-3) Indeed, any professed Christian who repeatedly and unrepentantly gives in to fits of anger can be disfellowshipped from the Christian congregation.-Galatians 5:19-21; 2 John 9, 10.
Can violent men change their behavior? Some have. Usually, however, a batterer will not change unless he (1) admits that his conduct is improper, (2) wants to change his course, and (3) seeks help. Jehovah's Witnesses have found that the Bible can be a powerful influence for change. Many interested ones who study the Bible with them have developed a strong desire to please God. Concerning Jehovah God, these new Bible students learn that "anyone loving violence His soul certainly hates." (Psalm 11:5) Of course, for a batterer to change his behavior involves more than not hitting. It also entails learning a whole new attitude toward his wife.
When a man gains knowledge of God, he learns to view his wife not as a servant but as a "helper" and not as inferior but as one to be ‘honored.' (Genesis 2:18; 1 Peter 3:7) He also learns compassion and the need to listen to his wife's viewpoint. (Genesis 21:12; Ecclesiastes 4:1) The program of Bible study that Jehovah's Witnesses offer has helped many couples. There is no room for a despot, tyrant, or bully in the Christian family.-Ephesians 5:25, 28, 29.
"The word of God is alive and exerts power." (Hebrews 4:12) Thus, the wisdom contained in the Bible can help couples to analyze the problems they face and give them the courage to deal with them. More than that, the Bible contains the sure and comforting hope of seeing a world without violence when Jehovah's heavenly King rules over all obedient mankind. The Bible says: "He will deliver the poor one crying for help, also the afflicted one and whoever has no helper. From oppression and from violence he will redeem their soul."-Psalm 72:12, 14.
[Blurb on page 12]
There is no room for a despot, tyrant, or bully in the Christian family
[Box on page 8]
Correcting Misconceptions
· Battered wives are responsible for their husband's actions.
Many batterers deny responsibility for their actions, claiming that their wives provoke them. Even some friends of the family may buy into the idea that the wife is difficult to deal with, so no wonder that her husband loses control now and then. But this amounts to blaming the victim and justifying the aggressor. Really, battered wives often make extraordinary efforts to pacify their husbands. Besides, beating one's partner is never justified under any circumstances. The book The Batterer-A Psychological Profile states: "Men who are sent by the courts to treatment for wife assault are addicted to violence. They use it as a release from anger and depression, a way to take control and resolve conflicts, and a tension reducer. . . . Often, they can't even acknowledge their role or take the problem seriously."
· Alcohol causes a man to beat his wife.
Granted, some men are more violent when they have been drinking. But is it reasonable to blame the alcohol? "Being intoxicated gives the batterer something to blame, other than himself, for his behavior," writes K. J. Wilson in her book When Violence Begins at Home. She continues: "It appears that, in our society, domestic violence is more comprehensible when inflicted by a person who is intoxicated. An abused woman can avoid seeing her partner as abusive, instead thinking of him as a heavy drinker or an alcoholic." Such thinking, Wilson points out, can give a woman the false hope that "if the man would only stop drinking, the violence would cease."
Currently, many researchers consider drinking and battering to be two distinct problems. After all, the majority of men with substance-abuse problems do not beat their mates. The writers of When Men Batter Women note: "Battering is fundamentally perpetuated by its success in controlling, intimidating, and subjugating the battered woman. . . . Alcohol and drug abuse are part of the lifestyle of the batterer. But it would be a mistake to assume that the drug use causes the violence."
· Batterers are violent with everyone.
Often the batterer is capable of being a delightful friend to others. He puts on what can be called the Jekyll-and-Hyde personalities. This is why friends of the family may find the stories of his violence unbelievable. Yet, the truth is, the wife beater chooses brutality as a way to dominate his wife.
· Women do not object to being mistreated.
Likely, this idea stems from not understanding the helpless situation of a woman who has nowhere to run. The battered wife may have friends who will take her in for a week or two, but what will she do after that? Finding a job and paying rent while caring for children are daunting prospects. And the law may forbid running off with the children. Some have tried to leave but were hunted down and taken back, either by force or by charm. Friends who cannot understand may mistakenly believe that such women did not object to the mistreatment.
Bangalore
Namaste

Jamie and Bangalore, thank you very much for the links and information. I'm compiling and forwarding to my friend now. Jamie, I'll reply to your PM, you are very kind.
aSphereisnotaCircle

Typically, the first thing an elder will ask a battered wife is "what did you do that made him hit you?"
Then they drop this pearl of wisdom "dont do that again"
Then they proceed to advise the sister on how to be a better wife.
Sorry I don't have any quotes from the literature for you, but in real life, thats how it is handled.
jamiebowers

The posted articles are just awful. They have no substance when it comes to assisting the abused. The battered are told to go to the elders about it, and notice how going to the police is downplayed by saying:
Some battered women may need to seek assistance from the authorities. At times, a point of crisis-such as the intervention of the police-can cause an abusive man to see the seriousness of his actions. Admittedly, however, any motivation to change often vanishes once the crisis has passed.
Those dirty, rotten bastards! They downplay calling the police, because they know that "worldly" authorities will do the right thing and encourage the abused to leave and put the abuser in jail.
The Watchtower also uses the "scriptural grounds" for divorce ploy to keep the abused in the marriage. What's the point in leaving if the abuser still has so much control over your life? Also the abused will be badgered by the abuser and/or his/her family and friends to see if the abuser has "scriptural grounds". In my case, it was my own gung ho jw mother who questioned me about whether my jw exhusband had "scriptural grounds". When that happened, I knew that no good rotten s.o.b. was going to have continued influence over my life. I "confessed" simply to get him completely out of my life.
Namaste, please, please help these people to read what is really written by the Watchtower. What it is really saying is rely on the elders to direct you through an abusive situation. And then the elders will repeat the following mantra: "Be a better wife, wait on Jehovah, Jehovah hates a divorcing, and you can't remarry until you can prove adultery".

Need help with Domestic Violence references in JW literature

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