Dealing with Being DF'd

~Jen~

I haven't posted much here but I feel like I need some support right now. I did post my story, but basically I'm 27, married for 7 years and i was DF'd in July. I always knew I didn't want to be a JW but went along with everything because of fear. I got the nerve to leave my husband and was DF'd a couple weeks later. I am now with someone who I knew growing up - also was a JW and has been DF'd for 9 years. It's nice to have someone who can relate but at the same time I can still see the pain it causes him.

I have joint custody of my kids and I have my SO and that's it. I have no other friends and feel so alone. Last night I broke down because I missed my family so much - my parents(my father is an elder) and my brothers. My parents have spoken with me twice since this happened. The last conversation I had with them they told me that they just wanted me to be happy and if this was going to make me happy then that's all they could hope for. After I left my husband they got to know him and his controlling parents more and told me they completely understand why I left him. My Ex husband is rarely letting them see the kids so we talked about me dropping my kids off so they could spend time with them. My parents also told me I was still a great mother and they would support me in the court system if it came down to the Ex trying to get full custody.

After that I called them to make sure they had my number and discussed with my father about having them watch the kids some days when I was at work. Then weeks later I sent them a text message seeing if they could watch my kids for me because I had to study for an exam. They didn't reply. I called them and they didn't answer.

I guess I'm confused about mixed signals from them for one - and secondly I just really miss them. I'm pretty well all on my own and some days are so so hard. Last night I just wanted to call my mom and have her tell me everything would be ok but I can't.

Does it get easier? Will they come around? Will they always be wishy-washy, talk to me one day and then completely ignore me the rest of the time? Will I always feel so alone?

I've learned that disfellowshipping is the worst thing you can do to someone. I guarantee most people who "go back" are going back for people - whether it's fake friendships or not, I understand that now.

I don't believe it's the true religion and I'm out to show my kids there's something more to life. I will never go back, especially not for people but I need to know that i won't feel like this forever.

snowbird

Hi.

This, too, shall pass.

Your parents are struggling - trying to juxtapose their love for you with WT dogma.

I'm not DA'd or DF'd yet, but I see the same behavior in my still-JW daughter.

Hang in there, it'll get better.

Sylvia

aSphereisnotaCircle

I don't believe it's the true religion and I'm out to show my kids there's something more to life. I will never go back, especially not for people but I need to know that i won't feel like this forever.

Yes it will get better, I promise.

I look back on my old life and I cannot believe how I survived, and leaving was so scary I did not think i would make it.

But I did and it was the best thing I have ever done.

I now have a better life, my children have better lives.

It is hard at first, but it's just growing pains, it's normal....................... and worth it!

zoiks

My heart goes out to you, Jen. I believe that there are many here who can absolutely relate to your situation and feelings, and offer some reassurance. I believe that it does get better, and look forward to that myself!

Big hugs to you!

zoiks

boyzone

HI Jen

Yes it does get better - I promise.

I agree with Sylvia, you parents are trying to juxtapose their love for you with what they're listening to at the hall, and I believe that the love for you and their grandchildren will win the day. Be patient with them and they'll come round, I'm sure.

My parents are JW's too and our relationship was very odd for quite a while. But love won out and they converse normally with me and my children now. They even talk to my eldest son who was disfellowshipped for being gay.

As for friends, then the best advice I can offer you is to join something! What would you like to do with your life? Sports? Amateur dramatics? College? Is there anything that you've been putting off doing that is now a possibility for you? If so, go for it. I'm sure if you did, you'll make lots of friends along the way.

This is what I did when I DA'd 2.5 years ago. I felt incredibly lonely for a while but I got back into work and have some fabulous people to work with. I study psychology at college and met some great people there too. I also accepted help from a Cognitive behavioural therapy group and we have such a laugh together. On top of that I've got my husband and children whom I'm busy learning to love unconditionally.

good luck

BZ

alanv

Jen I have been lucky I was able to simply fade so I am able to speak with my son who is still a witness, but my heart goes out to you. It is a horrible situation to be in, but then it's a horrible religon. It WILL get better and of course you can speak with any of us on this forum any time you like if you are feeling a bit down. The ones who go back, go back so that they can speak with their family again, but I hope you can keep free of doing that because in the long term you are much better off out of it. Also hopefully the rest of your family will see the light and get out of it themselves. I wish you well.

moshe

Your family may not be beating you with a literal club, but the are still abusing you in a mental way to break you down. It is not healthy to continue offering unconditional love to family that is abusing you, but you seem to have set no limits on how badly they can treat you- nothing has been made off limits for them, when it comes to bad conduct. Until such time as you decide to stop going along with JW relatives who disrespect you, nothing will change for the better. Yes, they may decide to abandon a relationship with you over time anyway as they see you become just a worldly person in their eyes. My hope is the the WT will soon be shamed into dropping their shunning rules- so hang in there!

Nobody wants to hear it, but we reap what we sow and a certain amount of unpleasantness will happen to anyone who leaves a high control religion. Some professional counseling might be in order now, in order to build up your self esteem and help you figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life- moving in with an old aquaintance appears to be just an stepping stone to independence. If that is the case and your live-in knows that , no problemo. If not, then being in a relationship based on deception will result in future pain for all and is not a good example for your children. Good luck. I think your live-in status is the root reason for why your parents are pulling back.

~Jen~

Thank you so much for the comments.

Moshe - I don't know whether this relationship will work out in the future or not but right now it's going pretty good. He's someone from my past and we liked each other when we were teenagers but I wasn't allowed to date him because he wasn't spiritual enough.

At the moment he does not live with me although we are considering it. I just worry that it will be a lot for my kids to deal with. (4 year old twins and a 2 year old). He's been around them and they love him but I just worry about that with my JW upbringing. Not to mention that my EX- who is still very in would flip right out since it's only been about 5-6 months.

cantleave

Jen, I can't give you much advice since I am not yet in your situation and everyone's circumstances and family are different anyway. But what I can say is build new friendships and get close to non-JW family if you can and most importantly, hang in there, be who you are and enjoy life.

Damocles

Jen,

Can't give much advice from the parents angle since my parents aren't dubs. I can give you some advice from your kid's perspective.

I stayed a dub >20 years longer than I would have in big part to not cause too much of a disruption to my four children (mom's still a dub). Looking back on it, it was the single biggest mistake of my life and I regret it mightily. My leaving would have resulted in divorce and probably the ex would have had primary custody. They would have had the dub influence from her undiluted. So that would be bad. But they would have had that many years of a parent who stood up against the dubs and was free to speak his mind. Instead I gave them mixed messages and no good has come from it. So being true to yourself and your beliefs is, I think, a good thing.

Does it get better? Well it absolutely did for me. The first couple of years were tough. The religion ladles on heaps of guilt and frankly I'm susceptible to that kind of thing. Plus, like you I dealt with divorce and children at the same time. Now (>5yrs on) no guilt and only relief.

The family thing though is tough but it gets tolerable. One of my children is an active dub and will have nothing to do with me. While I don't like it, as the years go by I get accustomed to it.

Surprising thing though - its shocking how many families have people who won't have anything to do with each other and it has nothing to do with religion. My wife refuses to have anything to do with her sister. My daughter in law hasn't talked to her mother in 10 years. A great uncle won't talk to his brother (not my family). In any case, I'm pretty surprised by it all.

Hope the experience helps.

Damocles

Dealing with Being DF'd

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