Dealing with Being DF'd

by ~Jen~ 26 Replies latest jw experiences

  • ~Jen~

    I haven't posted much here but I feel like I need some support right now. I did post my story, but basically I'm 27, married for 7 years and i was DF'd in July. I always knew I didn't want to be a JW but went along with everything because of fear. I got the nerve to leave my husband and was DF'd a couple weeks later. I am now with someone who I knew growing up - also was a JW and has been DF'd for 9 years. It's nice to have someone who can relate but at the same time I can still see the pain it causes him.

    I have joint custody of my kids and I have my SO and that's it. I have no other friends and feel so alone. Last night I broke down because I missed my family so much - my parents(my father is an elder) and my brothers. My parents have spoken with me twice since this happened. The last conversation I had with them they told me that they just wanted me to be happy and if this was going to make me happy then that's all they could hope for. After I left my husband they got to know him and his controlling parents more and told me they completely understand why I left him. My Ex husband is rarely letting them see the kids so we talked about me dropping my kids off so they could spend time with them. My parents also told me I was still a great mother and they would support me in the court system if it came down to the Ex trying to get full custody.

    After that I called them to make sure they had my number and discussed with my father about having them watch the kids some days when I was at work. Then weeks later I sent them a text message seeing if they could watch my kids for me because I had to study for an exam. They didn't reply. I called them and they didn't answer.

    I guess I'm confused about mixed signals from them for one - and secondly I just really miss them. I'm pretty well all on my own and some days are so so hard. Last night I just wanted to call my mom and have her tell me everything would be ok but I can't.

    Does it get easier? Will they come around? Will they always be wishy-washy, talk to me one day and then completely ignore me the rest of the time? Will I always feel so alone?

    I've learned that disfellowshipping is the worst thing you can do to someone. I guarantee most people who "go back" are going back for people - whether it's fake friendships or not, I understand that now.

    I don't believe it's the true religion and I'm out to show my kids there's something more to life. I will never go back, especially not for people but I need to know that i won't feel like this forever.

  • snowbird


    This, too, shall pass.

    Your parents are struggling - trying to juxtapose their love for you with WT dogma.

    I'm not DA'd or DF'd yet, but I see the same behavior in my still-JW daughter.

    Hang in there, it'll get better.


  • aSphereisnotaCircle

    I don't believe it's the true religion and I'm out to show my kids there's something more to life. I will never go back, especially not for people but I need to know that i won't feel like this forever.

    Yes it will get better, I promise.

    I look back on my old life and I cannot believe how I survived, and leaving was so scary I did not think i would make it.

    But I did and it was the best thing I have ever done.

    I now have a better life, my children have better lives.

    It is hard at first, but it's just growing pains, it's normal....................... and worth it!

  • zoiks

    My heart goes out to you, Jen. I believe that there are many here who can absolutely relate to your situation and feelings, and offer some reassurance. I believe that it does get better, and look forward to that myself!

    Big hugs to you!


  • boyzone

    HI Jen

    Yes it does get better - I promise.

    I agree with Sylvia, you parents are trying to juxtapose their love for you with what they're listening to at the hall, and I believe that the love for you and their grandchildren will win the day. Be patient with them and they'll come round, I'm sure.

    My parents are JW's too and our relationship was very odd for quite a while. But love won out and they converse normally with me and my children now. They even talk to my eldest son who was disfellowshipped for being gay.

    As for friends, then the best advice I can offer you is to join something! What would you like to do with your life? Sports? Amateur dramatics? College? Is there anything that you've been putting off doing that is now a possibility for you? If so, go for it. I'm sure if you did, you'll make lots of friends along the way.

    This is what I did when I DA'd 2.5 years ago. I felt incredibly lonely for a while but I got back into work and have some fabulous people to work with. I study psychology at college and met some great people there too. I also accepted help from a Cognitive behavioural therapy group and we have such a laugh together. On top of that I've got my husband and children whom I'm busy learning to love unconditionally.

    good luck


  • alanv

    Jen I have been lucky I was able to simply fade so I am able to speak with my son who is still a witness, but my heart goes out to you. It is a horrible situation to be in, but then it's a horrible religon. It WILL get better and of course you can speak with any of us on this forum any time you like if you are feeling a bit down. The ones who go back, go back so that they can speak with their family again, but I hope you can keep free of doing that because in the long term you are much better off out of it. Also hopefully the rest of your family will see the light and get out of it themselves. I wish you well.

  • moshe

    Your family may not be beating you with a literal club, but the are still abusing you in a mental way to break you down. It is not healthy to continue offering unconditional love to family that is abusing you, but you seem to have set no limits on how badly they can treat you- nothing has been made off limits for them, when it comes to bad conduct. Until such time as you decide to stop going along with JW relatives who disrespect you, nothing will change for the better. Yes, they may decide to abandon a relationship with you over time anyway as they see you become just a worldly person in their eyes. My hope is the the WT will soon be shamed into dropping their shunning rules- so hang in there!

    Nobody wants to hear it, but we reap what we sow and a certain amount of unpleasantness will happen to anyone who leaves a high control religion. Some professional counseling might be in order now, in order to build up your self esteem and help you figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life- moving in with an old aquaintance appears to be just an stepping stone to independence. If that is the case and your live-in knows that , no problemo. If not, then being in a relationship based on deception will result in future pain for all and is not a good example for your children. Good luck. I think your live-in status is the root reason for why your parents are pulling back.

  • ~Jen~

    Thank you so much for the comments.

    Moshe - I don't know whether this relationship will work out in the future or not but right now it's going pretty good. He's someone from my past and we liked each other when we were teenagers but I wasn't allowed to date him because he wasn't spiritual enough.

    At the moment he does not live with me although we are considering it. I just worry that it will be a lot for my kids to deal with. (4 year old twins and a 2 year old). He's been around them and they love him but I just worry about that with my JW upbringing. Not to mention that my EX- who is still very in would flip right out since it's only been about 5-6 months.

  • cantleave

    Jen, I can't give you much advice since I am not yet in your situation and everyone's circumstances and family are different anyway. But what I can say is build new friendships and get close to non-JW family if you can and most importantly, hang in there, be who you are and enjoy life.

  • Damocles


    Can't give much advice from the parents angle since my parents aren't dubs. I can give you some advice from your kid's perspective.

    I stayed a dub >20 years longer than I would have in big part to not cause too much of a disruption to my four children (mom's still a dub). Looking back on it, it was the single biggest mistake of my life and I regret it mightily. My leaving would have resulted in divorce and probably the ex would have had primary custody. They would have had the dub influence from her undiluted. So that would be bad. But they would have had that many years of a parent who stood up against the dubs and was free to speak his mind. Instead I gave them mixed messages and no good has come from it. So being true to yourself and your beliefs is, I think, a good thing.

    Does it get better? Well it absolutely did for me. The first couple of years were tough. The religion ladles on heaps of guilt and frankly I'm susceptible to that kind of thing. Plus, like you I dealt with divorce and children at the same time. Now (>5yrs on) no guilt and only relief.

    The family thing though is tough but it gets tolerable. One of my children is an active dub and will have nothing to do with me. While I don't like it, as the years go by I get accustomed to it.

    Surprising thing though - its shocking how many families have people who won't have anything to do with each other and it has nothing to do with religion. My wife refuses to have anything to do with her sister. My daughter in law hasn't talked to her mother in 10 years. A great uncle won't talk to his brother (not my family). In any case, I'm pretty surprised by it all.

    Hope the experience helps.


  • feeling good
    feeling good

    Hi Jen,

    I am newly out but I did not have family in but close friends who changed with me even though I was not DF'd as of yet.

    I agree with the other posters time heals all wounds. If you parents want to see your kids and you called them, then I would leave it at that you can't beg them to have a relationship with you or help you. Show them that you are a strong women and will do it on your own. Also, becareful not to jump into another relationship, you have enough going on now in your life.

    I am a firm believer if it doesn't kill you it will make you stronger. I have just a few good friends outside the organization who love me for who I am. I am grateful for everything I have.

    I am sending you a PM.


  • dig692

    Hi Jen, sorry to hear you are going through this. I can tell you from experience that it does get easier, but because you make it easier.

    I was DF'd for a long time, and wanted to get reinstated so that I could have my friends back and so my husband's family could talk to me again (kind of a dumb reason I know, but I thought it was what I needed at the time) I was reinstated nearly 2 months ago, and guess what? None of my so called friends have even tried to get in contact with me. To them I will always be the one that got DF'd. I will always have that mark now.

    Your parents might be having a hard time trying to figure out if they should ignore what they have been brainwashed to think and just accept you as their daughter no matter what. I hope that they come around and continue to keep in contact with you and your kids. But if they choose not to, just know that it's their loss. You will feel better in time; it wont be this way forever. Hang in there.

  • HappyGuy

    Hi Jen,

    Your parents will be wishy washy on how they treat you because the WTBTS is dishonest about it. In the literature, the WTBTS walks right up to telling parents that their DF'd children are dead to them, but doesn't actually come right out and say that. The WTBTS is sneaky and they fill in the blanks in talks and comments from the platform. Then later when someone says "You teach that parents are to treat DF'd children as if they are dead" the WTBTS claims innocence and says "We didn't SAY that (in the publications)". But, they are lying because they did say it in public talks either in the congregations or at assemblies.

    Then, every once in a while when public exposure on this issue becomes too much, they will publish a "let them return to Jehovah...." article that they don't really mean. They won't actuallly follow up on it. So the family of DF'd people will soften their hearts a little until the next "Are you keeping the congregation clean...." nonsense.

    It is a cruel game that the WTBTS plays.

    Your parents are just caught up in an emotional roller coaster.

    What I don't get is how they use your children as pawns in this.

    If it were me I would tell my parents, "if you want my children in your life then they have to be all the way in your life or they are not in your life".

    Someone on here made a great post the other day about telling his family words to that effect. I don't remember it exactly now. That way you can put the burden on them and take it off your own shoulders. You didn't do anything wrong.

    I'm sorry you are going through this.

  • OnTheWayOut

    With his religious background, your ex might use a boyfriend moving in as a reason to revisit custody issues. I would contact your divorce lawyer before doing anything, discuss what effect appearances might have on such issues.

    As far as whether it gets better or not, it will. It might not get better with the parents. It might. But your life, your confidence, your lonliness- all that will get better. You are early out still. You need to have more friends. You need to feel your place, where you belong. Sooner or later, you will find it.

  • flipper

    JEN- I'm so sorry you are dealing with this difficult circumstance. I too was in a DFed state for 4 years . My JW parents rarely talked to me at all- maybe 2 times in that 4 years. And that's when I called to check on their health. When I got reinstated in 2002 - I became inactive stopped attending in 2003 for good. Interestingly enough my parents supported me in an inactive fading state- but never did in a disfellowshipped state.

    Keep in mind that the WT society and Jehovah's Witnesses are very technical in application of their bizarre rules. Many times as long as you are not LEGALISTICALLY DFed by the WT society - your witness family will still associate with you. My parents do- and I haven't attended in 6 years. But my mom recently told my 22 year old JW daughter that if I HAD been DFed her and my father would NOT talk to me.

    So it's ridiculous. I know this might be a bad piece of advice - but if you think your JW parents like mine will ALWAYS follow the stupid rules of the WT society in shunning you - perhaps ( even though you don't believe the scam of the witnesses ) if you worked at getting reinstated in order for your parents to talk to you- you could fade and just stop going to meetings after reinstatement. This is just an idea which you may pursue if you so choose. I'm not saying you SHOULD do it - I'm just presenting you an option that I did - and at least I'm still talking to my 80 something year old JW parents.

    Believe me, I feel for your situation and my heart hurts for you. In fact I have tears on the edge of my eyes as I'm writing this. Please be assured of my wife and my sincere caring. If you'd like to talk more sometime- please feel free to PM me or talk on the phone. I may have more ideas for you. Hang in there, and keep your chin up. Peace out, Mr. Flipper

  • happinessinparadise

    You have a lot going on....especially with twinnies and a singleton....yikes! am there and know it....

    we excommunicated our friends and family which they didn't like...some begged and still trying to get DF'd for apostacy but it seems to be harder than one would think!!! It appears I'm not good at anything....

    There are lots of friends out there....just take what little time you have and get to a church play group....or look on Craiglists for playgroups...easy way to meet tons of new people...there will be ones you like and don't like...just the cult...but at least they won't like you because you are a seat warmer...

    lots of luv here!

  • Black Sheep
    Black Sheep
    I don't believe it's the true religion and I'm out to show my kids there's something more to life.

    You are going to go through a whole heap of trouble due to this conclusion, but it is correct.

    We didn't ask our parents to bring us up in their cult. That was their choice. They need to grow some balls and deal with the consequences of that decision.

    Our responsibilty is to ensure that our kids don't suffer the same damage. I failed that one. Now I am in damage control mode and that is no fun either.

    Stick around and learn from our mistakes and our successes.



  • Quadraphoenix

    Hang in there love.

    I'm not disfellowshipped nor have I disassociated myself as I'm on a mission here in Cyprus to bring down this cult, but that's another story.

    Things will get better, I promise. Love your family, even though it may seem that they don't show the same compassion to you.

    You will look back on the situation you're in and smile, whilst also wondering wtf you were ever doing in a cult. You mentioned that you remained as a JW due to fear. You have to work on releasing your fear. Fear drives the world. If you can escape from fearing men, you will suffer far less.

    Kind regards


    If you're in Cyprus and are a Jehovah's Witness, but know that something's wrong with the religion, look out for the Four Winged Phoenix in next years 3 day assembly.

  • jonathan dough
    jonathan dough

    This will permanently dispell any doubts about going back.

  • WTWizard

    I would recommend checking to see if they are genuinely mean spirited. Most witless parents are torn between their disfellowshipped children and the Filthful and Disgraceful Slavebugger. The religion programs them to try and make you feel guilty about missing the boasting sessions, or breaking the rules of the religion. Usually, very little can be done because the Filthful and Disgraceful Slavebugger is so good at programming the witlesses to remain faithful to Jehovah regardless of how high the cost is.

    However, if your parents are genuinely mean spirited (above and beyond what the religion programs them to be), you owe them precisely zero honor. If the parents are acting based on the religion, then you should still not be obligated to go along with the religion (which you now believe is wrong). There is a chance that they will see the way out (but, shunning you is their way of preventing you from showing them the way out), and then things will be back to something that resembles normal.

    As for me, I do not have that problem. I faded out (to waste their time and resources in deciding whose turn it is to hound me), and I do not give a f*** about any of the humanoids that I would be surrounded by if I ever went back. For me, I would have more of a problem dealing with being recaptured than being disfellowshipped, since I have nothing worth returning for.

Share this topic

Related Topics