Disassociated Press News Release (October 16, 2008):
An aging writer was found today by passersby, lying dazed and confused outside his basement studio window, in what local authorities are treating as a suicide attempt.
It is understood from neighbors, who scarcely know Gabriel Horne due to his reclusive nature, that he was depressed/angry/furious over countless letters of rejection from various book publishing firms. They claim to know this only from piles of shredded letters at the base of his mailbox, which shredding was always accompanied by screams and cries of despair, which, naturally, drew worried but frightened neighbors to rifle through the mail, but only after Mr. Horne had clomped furiously back into his lowly hovel.
It is said, too, from an anonymous source, that Mr. Horne's only savings, from a bank account started in elementary school, was not insured by the FDIC, hence the writer's impoverished state and consequent inability to buy ink cartridges at STAPLES.
(Contributed by Horace Hack, Office of Runonsentencextraordinaire.)
...OUTLAW