As I try to live my life outside the Borg, I realize that I have only begun to untangle the web that has been spun around my mind.
Here are some excerpts of my "Survivor's Quest"...
Continued Association
Perhaps one of my first decisions was that I would try to continue my associations with my old JW friends.
Some took this as living a double life and cut me off. Others took it as me struggling with myself and are there to help.
While the latter seem to be enabling my fade, they actually pose a bigger threat.
I have a soft spot for those who are being mistreated or are in situations beyond their control.
There are many of my JW friends who fall in this category, I would do anything to assist them.
Well, almost anything...
I have had a couple of my closest JW friends straight out tell me they want me to come back saying, "Do it for me!"
It is hard for me because I would gladly step in front of a bullet for them, or dive in front of a bus to save them.
Yet, I feel like a hypocrite because I will not sacrifice myself by rejoining a cult.
Those that shun me actually fuel my desire to leave.
They reinforce the mindless cruelty that can be found in the Borg.
Thus they complete the circle which drives me away.
Desires of the heart
It is no secret that I have the worst luck with females.
If it wasn't for bad luck, I'd have non at all.
It isn't that I haven't tried. It just seems that for every step I take forward, I take 2 back.
For an example, I had been talking to a young woman over the phone and internet for 5 months.
She invited me to visit, so I did.
Now, she lives a significant distance from where I live, thus I had to fly there.
While I was flying to her, she changed her mind about meeting me, and did not want to anymore.
This left me stranded for a weekend in a strange place in the middle of nowhere.
Me == Bad Timing
One JW sister who used to like me approached me at the recent District Convention. (I went for family)
She said she wanted me to call her and get together sometime.
Her mom approached me later during the DC and said I was banned from ever talking to her daughter.
I felt like saying, "That one has already been done before, try something new." but I didn't.
The daughter lives at home despite being over 18, so I think the "head of household" rule comes into play.
Not that I would get involved with her because she is very much involved with the cult.
Another woman I dated twice was very kind but a little off.
I couldn't put my finger on what it was that made her unattractive to me.
However, after 2 dates, she called me and told me that she was pregnant with her ex-boyfriends baby.
So she said she was going to get back together with him.
Blood is thicker than water
I have been working on my relationship with my dad.
We have had some really good discussions.
He has cleared up quite a bit about my childhood and some of the darker things that happened between us.
For the last 2 weeks he has visited my area and I have been with him a majority of the time.
It has been great!
My mom on the other hand has not liked my associating with my "worldly family".
She thinks that they will sway me to never return to the Borg.
Dad's side of the family has nothing to do with my never returning, they have stressed they don't care on way or another.
I find myself with a shorter temper when my mom picks up where she left off, thinking I am under her command.
She picks up on this and has thrown it in my face saying "You have gotten a lot more stressed out since you left the Borg"
I recently went to visit my mothers parents (not JWs).
They both encouraged me to move to their area (the south).
I am actually considering it, but I do love my job!
MONEY
I have quite a bit of savings for a guy my age.
However, my car just died and I have no credit.
Thus finding a car on short notice is harder than it sounds in my head.
The pushy carsalesman wanted me to go deeply in debt for the next 4 years to buy a brand new car.
It didn't happen, and I am still looking for a car.
At the moment I am borrowing a car.
I love my Job!
Have I mentioned this before?
The people I work with are great and they appreciate my work too!
It is such a fun environment.
Distractions
Nintendo has always been my little distraction.
Some have told me - it is good as long as you aren't distracted too much.
I would prefer to be distracted a lot, less time to think about the sad issues.
Currently, I have gotten into World of Warcraft.
FUN!
Darknesses
When I am not distracted by games, work or exercise, I find myself dwelling on the dark side.
I was depressed for a while, and a DF'd friend asked me if I was suicidal.
I told them, "I am not suicidal, rather I am more homicidal".
I don't want to end my life, but I would love to take vengeance on those who have harmed me.
I once made up a plan on how to do the whole thing.
Don't worry, I have no intention of following through.
The Wrap Up
I guess that is all for now.
I just thought I would update you on what is happening in my life.
Thanks for listening!!!
Survivor's Quest
by metaspy 2 Replies latest jw experiences
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metaspy
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quietlyleaving
wow metapsy
I see that you have lots of different threads in your life that you can either pick up or let go off. Best wishes to you
ql
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metaspy
Thank you QL.
It was early in the morning, but I just needed to let it out.
I find this is a great place to vent my feelings.