Insight please.

by looking_glass 6 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  looking_glass

  So I have a really good friend who moved to CA a couple of years ago. Over the last several years I have always gone out to her and her family in CA. When she and her family come into town, I get the great pleasure of hanging out with her and her in-laws, because they are trying to get everyone's visit in one. The problem is that when she is here, she is never willing to hang out together other than as a group. Although I like (for the most part) her in-laws, her father-in-law is a Rabbi and he is always trying to "teach" me something about JWs and their beliefs. I find this highly insulting and boring. Being a 3rd Gen JW I know all about the crap. Last time I was there, he was explaining to me why "jehovah" is not really god's name. I DON'T CARE! But being polite, I have held my tongue until last time I was there and I lost my temper and finally said something to the guy. I have since been invited out to the in-laws house on several occasions and have backed out every time. Well I am getting heavy pressure to do it again. I finally mentioned to my GF my general unhappiness with her father-in-law and the fact that I really don't get to hang out with her and her husband/kids, but rather her in-laws, the cousins, the aunts and uncles. But she seems to think that I am being petty about her father-in-law's need to bring up religion because she said it is who he is and she feels that she cannot spend time one-on-one with me because they only come into town 2 or 3 times a year, so they have to see her husband's family while here. Granted I feel since I go out to her 3 or 4 times a year (and once again, do not have one-on-one time with her because it is constant goings to kids' events), the least she can do is do a lunch or dinner with just me or a GF or two that still live here while she is in town.

  What say you? I would like some outside opinions because I would like to see what others have to say. Those who have no vest interested or emotional attachment. I need a little perspective. Insight please?
• 

  jgnat

  OK, this is a man in love with his own voice. They do tend to be brought out of the closet and dusted off for guests a couple times a year. For the sake of your friend, can you tolerate this man for a few hours?

  Instead of concentrating on what he is saying (all he needs is an audience, he doesn't necessarily need to be listened to), can you do a Bart Simpson and count the grey hairs in his beard?

  Maybe work out a pre-planned signal with your friend when you have had enough, so that you can leave the gatherings to compose your sanity once in a while.
• 

  jgnat

  By the way, even the most enlightened ex-JW's tend to talk my ear off about JW stuff when I first meet them. Even though I am pretty well versed in the culture. I am tolerant, because I know there are few audiences who would appreciate what they've lived through.
• 

  looking_glass

  G, I wish I were that laid back. So that I could take it in stride.

  My pro is that I hate being the center of attention when it comes to this crap and he seems to always want to discuss the religion w/ me when there are tons of people around. I suppose if I were to limit him on his time (you have 5 mins - go and the clock is ticking) then I would be fine. But he does not, he pulls out all his stuff and starts talking about Bible stuff.

  I feel that my time is limited w/ my GF as it is and then to be cornered by her father-in-law for an hour as he preaches to me, sets me off.

  My biggest issue is that I feel like I have made a lot of concessions w/ her father-in-law and so I don't feel it is petty for me to get upset and want to tell him to stop preaching to me. Though I do think I will take your suggestion and tell her that I will give him so much time to puff up his chest and tell me how he is right and everything I have ever read in my life has been a waste, unlike him of course, and then after that I am heading out the door for a smoke (even though I don't smoke).
• 

  Apostate Kate

  To Thine Own Self Be True

  It's hard for me to follow who's who in your story (my fault) but when it comes to holidays and family/friend gatherings why should we punish ourselves?

  I have family that can drag me down to the pit of dispair if I let them, I have to leave. I correct them, and then leave (usually about the way they treat the children). That way I don't harbor too many negative feelings on my way out the door.

  Now, there is the aspect of selflessness. We can put ourselves out as an act of love for others, but if we do not have a happy heart in doing it, then it is not sincere. It is better to be sincere in all things.

  and put that da* cigarette down
• 

  looking_glass

  Kate - actually the post was very confusing, I do it to cover my tracks and appear to be more of a victim then I am.

  I agree Kate, doing something that is not sincere is pointless. I am just trying to figure out how to compromise in this sit. Considering my options are limited because I want to spend time w/ my GF, but she can only do it w/ the rest of her in-laws present, which includes her father-in-law.

  Funny, my uber JW mom does not insist upon discussing the religion as much as this guy. Why??? What is the issue here???
• 

  jaguarbass

  They say you can never go back home. You remember how your relationship with your girlfriend was in the past. But you do not care for your relationship with her in the present. The past was simpler, less encumbered the present is more complicated. Some things run their course. If it feels good do it. If id doesnt feel good dont do it. Maybe you need to limit your number of visits. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.