Help! After all these years, it begins again.....

by pandora 7 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  pandora

  Hi all,
  For the most part, I am but a lurker here. You all have wonderful things to say, and I usually can't top any of the advice or good comments, so I just read a lot. This place has been a god send for me. I have learned a lot here and appreciate all of you. Even though I don't say much.
  But now I have a problem that I would like your advice on. My sister and I have been out of the Borg for probably close to 15 years. 14 of those years I and evidently my sister, spent believing it was the truth. About a year ago, an event happened that shook both of us. Without getting into the details, I will say that it pushed me into research, and her into the nearest hall. I was hoping it was a phase, but a year later she is still going and now she is talking about itlike it is common place in her life. I tried to talk to her about my research when all this started but in true borg fashion, she shut me down so fast it made my head spin. It was truely disappointing. She knows that I am violently opposed to her choice but, because of her closed mind, she has no clue why. And from all standpoints, doesn't seem to care why. I don't fear loosing her by way of shunning. At this point, anyway, I don't think that will happen. But I am noticing some lifestyle changes. She is condemning her own son and X-husband for the double life they lead. (You know, the one they show the hall and the one they live at home.) What is weird is that she was sortof forced back by her children, who are in. They said they would stop coming to see her if she didn't start going to the meetings. My thought at the time was how hypocritical that was, considering the double life thing. And I tried to convey that to her, but I was knew at seeing 'the truth about the truth' and still could not formulate my arguments well. Now she sees it first hand and just seems to think she is better than them.
  I don't know what to do. I have printed out a lot of info but I fear the moment I give it to her she will throw it in the trash. If I thought she would read CofC I would give it to her, but I fear it would disappear for good in her hands and while it is just a book, it is a very important one to me. It made a huge difference in my life.
  So far I have met with a brick wall so often I am about to give up. I get soo ANGRY at her. I just want to shake her!! She and I have been very close for many years. She has dissappointed me so greatly that there just aren't words to describe how I feel. I also feel that I should be better than the JW's and show her unconditional love, but I have been doing that for 15 years and now look what she does. What good was it? She still won't listen to a word I say and now I am to the point where I could just throw my hands up and quit.
  Help me! I don't want to be like the JW's and shun my own sister, but it is getting to the point where it is detrimental to ME. I am worrying so much about her that it is taking its toll on my health.
  I need an outside opinion on this one. I am too close and going nuts dealing with it.
  Thank you all for listening to me babble on and on and on......
  Any thoughts would be welcome.
• 

  Had Enough

  Hello Pandora:

  Glad to see you start posting. I'm sure you already know that you'll get great help and suggestions from people who've "been there, done that".

  I really feel for your situation as I am stuck in the middle myself with family with closed minds and ears. But I am hoping to make the opportunity at the right time to employ some helpful info I have received here from others and as well as a site I found when I first started looking into the net.

  One personal experience with helping family memebers is posted at http://www.freeminds.org/psych/exithelp.htm

  entitled: "How I helped my Family Leave Jehovah's Witnesses". It was written by one of our very helpful and knowledgeable posters here called Amazing.

  In part he said to his family: "‘Okay family, I have an idea I want to put before you and see what you think.’ They all listened nicely. I said, it would be good if we could take a new course for a while and discuss something that especially ‘you children are going to face’ as you get older. I told them that as they mature in their Christian faith,they will encounter people at the door, on the job, and even at the Kingdom Hall who will say and do things that will challenge their faith. I told them, “You need to know for sure how to answer them; and for this to happen, you need to be resolved in your own hearts as to what you think. So, let's start off 1992 by discussing some real challenges and how to address them.”
  .....We began by my asking a question about the Watch Tower’s 1914 prediction and how they could answer that."

  I bolded the part that I thought would be a helpful approach to adapt to my family although not in a study form but just in a general friendly conversation form as in: How do you answer this tough question at the door when people say..... and then use your knowledge of misquotes or flip-flop teachings and statements the WTS has made.

  He also gave a further example in a second story at: http://www.freeminds.org/psych/exithelp2.htm

  entitled:
  "Case Example of Talking to my Family"

  I'm pressed for time right now, but I hope this is one suggestion you may be able to adapt if you can have a friendly conversation with your sister. We all know how a confrontational type approach just closes up their minds to any reason so for them, a "backdoor" approach may work.

  I wish you well with your sister. It can be such a tug on the heart to have family members in conflict and feeling helpless as you watch them throw their lives away on false promises.

  We care, and I'm sure many more try to help you too.
• 

  larc

  Pandora,

  I understand your frustration. My sister has remained a JW all her life. We do communicate on a regular basis, but if I mention anything that might lead to a meaningful discussion about the religion, her mind snaps shut, and this from a woman who was valdictorian of her high school class. My wife and I have discussed this at length and have concluded there is nothing we can do. If my sister ever does have doubts, she knows that she can discuss them with her big brother. Until then, I have to let it go.

  Please don't let this affect your health. There is only so much you can do. You might keep in mind the Serenity prayer, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdome to know the difference."
• 

  outnfree

  Hi, pandora.

  I don't have much time right now, but something that struck me in your post was the fact that your sister's children "who are in" threatened to cut off all contact with her if she didn't go back to meetings. This is VERY powerful emotional blackmail. It may be one of the reasons why she resists you. You HAVE been supportive those 15 years, you DIDN'T only love her conditionally (as they are), and she likely feels she can count on you to keep loving her and interacting with her even if she returns to the Borg. I think her children are a powerful tug on her and that rather than risk losing them, she will rather turn a deaf ear to you (even if in her heart she knows you are right) and box up any doubts into a remote corner of her consciousness as we Witnesses were so good at doing.

  So my advice is KEEP ON LOVING HER, but don't give up on getting her and her children out eventually. I agree with HadEnough that the conversational approach is best. You might even try sitting down with her and her JW kids, asking the questions, arranging for them to research and get back to you. All very non-confrontational. Just like a good JW would do!

  outnfree

  Par dessus toutes choses, soyez bons. La bonte est ce qui ressemble le plus a Dieu et ce qui desarme le plus les hommes -- Lacordaire
• 

  humble

  Pandora: Hi.

  Is your sister happy associating with Jehovah's Witnesses?

  I get soo ANGRY at her.

  
  Don't get angry, pandora. Try to understand her and find a common ground with her. Maybe religion is not a common ground, but you can still find something that both agree on. Are you so sure that she does not know what she is doing? Maybe she does. Why not accompany her to a meeting, just one and see why she is happy there?

  Pray to Jehovah for his help on this one.

  A friend.
• 

  RedhorseWoman

  Several others here have echoed my thoughts on this matter. It sounds as if your sister has given in to the emotional blackmail and that has caused her to place all her doubts aside.

  This doesn't mean that they are gone altogether, but they ARE pushed to the side. She probably feels guilty that she ever doubted in the past.

  The best thing right now, I think, is to keep the lines of communication open. If an opportunity presents itself (for instance, if she's talking about something that bothered her at the Hall or out in service), work in some of the points you've researched.....then let it drop. She shouldn't feel defensive, but these "seeds" may take root and allow her to begin reasoning again.

  Someone else suggested prayer. That's a great idea. Ask for help in what to do, and then become aware of the answers as they are given to you.
• 

  pandora

  Had enough:
  Thank you for posting the 2 sites. I'm pressed on time right now but I have printed both pages and will be reading them tonight when I get home from work. Thank you for your kind thoughts.

  Larc:
  Thanks for understanding. I will be chanting that prayer often, now that you have mentioned it. I need some serenity.

  Outnfree, humble, and RHWoman:
  By way of explanation about my sister and her actions: She has spent the last 15 years as a self fulfilling profescy(sp?). She was told when she was disfellowshipped 15 years ago that she was bad and that her life would amount to absolutely nothing. That she would never be happy. Well, she has lived up to their prediction. I have not seen her truely happy in all the years I've known her (even when she was in originally). She has always been tormented. If this made her truely happy, believe me, I would support her. But she isn't. Her life is still in turmoil. She still lives with her abusive husband. (And if she goes back fully, there is NO WAY she will be allowed to get a divorce). She is still doing all the things she did (that are not exceptable) before she started going back to the meetings. Now she is just even more torn, because now she feels guilty for being herself and having her own thoughts.

  Thanks again for all your wonderful, kind thoughts. Know this. I will NOT take my love away from her. I just can't justify it in my heart. I will continue to look for openings to put some seed of doubt in her mind, though. I must say that she is very careful not to give me anything to comment upon.

  Your thoughts have strengthend me (even though I can't spell it) to continue. I will continue to draw strenth from all of you and everything you have been through also.
  I want to thank Simon for this place to come. I am so glad I stumbled upon it in my journey. And I hope that one day I will be able to share it with my family.
• 

  Escargot

  Your sister must choose her own path. As Brother Ray Franz points out, you can be a JW and still be a honest hearted person. Let go. Be there for her when needed

  Erasmus (1520 AD): "If we want truth, every person ought to be free to speak what they think without fear."