How do you go on when married to a JW who doesn't want to be a JW

by marriedtoajw 20 Replies latest social current

  • marriedtoajw
    marriedtoajw

    I've posted on here a few times under the screen name of Sahara but had to change it, long story... Anyway I've posted some of my story being married to a JW for twenty years with four children, none of whom are JW's or are studying to be one. I've stated on my other posts that I've done lots of research on JW's and Watchtower History, I don't think there is anything about the history and tactics of JWs that I haven't personally come across or studied, though I could be wrong. People who are not intimately familiar with JW beliefs and practices seem to view them as strange simply because they don't celebrate holidays or salute the flag etc, but those of us who are more familiar with them know that there is far more than meets the eyes of casual observers. Not all evil and bad just... well mostly yes, but I understand they believe they do what they do to please "Jehovah". I struggle still to give them a pass on this but, well I do...

    Being married to a JW for as long as I have, there have been many land mines I've had to manuver through in just keeping my family in tact while trying to hedge all the JW stuff. As a "never been a JW" I will never ever pretend to understand exactly what you all have gone through in fading. being disfellowshiped, disassociated and shunned by your family. In fact, just reading some of your stories has opened my eyes to how JW's really think and have had to re-interpret some of my experiences in the past with my wife and her JW family which shead light on things that use to confuse me. I must say though that it's not that much easier for some one in my position the last few years who has to deal with the "real world" and all that it means to deal with the "real world" while trying to raise a family with someone I love very much but who has allowed a monster into our home who has convinced her that nothing else matters but studying sales techniques and manipulating people into accepting a belief system that will eventually force them to give up their free will and individuality without them realizing that this is what happend. Fighting that monster has become more than a 12 round slug fest taking body blows and hooks from different directions while never really throwing many of my own. Biting my lip and strapping my tounge to the roof of my mouth to keep the peace has been more than draining. I fear I have reached the last knots in my rope which has provided rest while lowering myself down a cliff and I'm woundering now if it's time to jump and take my chances.

    But for now I'd like to as you why would my wife dress up as a Fairy for Holloween and go with me to a Holloween party? Why would she go with me to every celebration that she's suppose to abstain from even when I tell her it's ok if she doesn't? Why does she attend meetings only once every three months? Why does she talk about going back to college? Why does she allow her Non-JW family to take her out to dinner for her Birthday where the waiters sing for her and give her a cake with candles when she must have known this would happen? Why would she talk about future celebrations like Birthday Parties for our kids and my relatives and help plan them? Why would she be in my Nieces Quinceniera ceremony presided over by a Catholic Priest and neil down in front of an alter?

    Why would she do these things if in fact she wants to be a JW? Then she tries to drag my daugher to meetings and my oldest son to assemblies.

    WTF is all I can say to myself cuz I just dont know anymore...

  • marriedtoajw
  • GLTirebiter
    GLTirebiter

    I struggle still to give them a pass on this but, well I do...

    Yes, it is hard hard to stay sympathetic to the victims when the organization they follow is so contemptible. If you've managed to keep it together as the UBM for 20 years, give yourself a pass too--you've earned it!

    Being married to a JW for as long as I have, there have been many land mines I've had to manuver through in just keeping my family in tact while trying to hedge all the JW stuff ... Fighting that monster has become more than a 12 round slug fest taking body blows and hooks from different directions while never really throwing many of my own. Biting my lip and strapping my tounge to the roof of my mouth to keep the peace has been more than draining.

    Walking on eggshells every day is draining. I thought that was the worst part, taking all the verbal shots while knowing that any response in kind would only makes things worse. One thing we UBMs have in common with the DF'd and DA'd is the experience of being considered the enemy, an outsider in our own family. It brings a clear understanding of what it means to forgive "seven times seventy" times.

    Why would she do these things if in fact she wants to be a JW?

    That's hard to say, it could be many different things. She might feel that by making accomodations to you and the children that she is holding the family together. It may be a little act of rebellion for her, tasting the forbidden fruit. Or it may be a taste of normalcy that helps her cope with the Watchtower pressure. Perhaps she is mentally "out", but can't quite let go because she fears the reaction from other JWs. If you ask her about it, there's a good chance she can't tell you why; she may not really know herself. Switching between a Watchtower personality at the Kingdom Hall and a genuine personality elsewhere causes that confusion.

    You can't force her to change; she has to want it herself. So the best you can do is love her no matter what, and show her that you do.

    Good luck to you and all your family!

  • clarity
    clarity

    Hi Married, wow the messages your wife is giving you are "crazy making"!

    Was she a 'born-in'?

    Did you ever sit her down and talk about her running rough-shod over everything and everyone?

    Is she in or is she out? Hot or cold? Sounds like you have been going on...too long!

    {Biting my lip and strapping my tounge to the roof of my mouth to keep the peace has been more than draining}

    Time to stand up and demand some accountability and honesty!

    Does she ever say that the watchtower society is not the truth?

    Strange, she's in a high control cult but likes to break all the rules,

    Have the elders noticed?

    What effect is all this having on your kids?

    They are the ones who really need your help!

    Good luck with this.

    c

  • cyberjesus
    cyberjesus

    shouldnt you be happy?

  • Aussie Oz
    Aussie Oz

    She is trying to have it both ways.

    the grip on her mind is fighting with her authentic self.

    I would suggest it is killing her inside, quietly.

    But one thing is certain, you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink. She is going to have to 'drink' in her own time.

    all the best, its a tough one.

    oz

  • sizemik
    sizemik
    Why does she attend meetings only once every three months?

    This . . . along with planning and attending "worldly" celebrations, suggests to me she is not mentally JW. This continued token attendance could simply be on account of fear. Fear of shunning by family could lie at the bottom of it . . . and she may choose not to reveal that to anybody. There may even be a degree of self-denial involved. Because of never having been JW, you may find she will guard such feelings from you. Family can also subtly apply pressure for children to be at meetings with her. There is definitely family pressure here I feel.

    I would be careful about forcing the situation beyond what it is. Once you do, there's no going back . . . and it may turn belly-up on you. Being made to "choose" as she might see it will not be productive. Avoiding confrontation is paramount . . . there's no telling for sure which way she might jump. Maybe spending more quality time on weekends regularly . . . so it squeezes out JW time even more. The genuine personality will dominate more. Sort of like an "assisted fade" . . . the more distanced she feels, the easier it will be (for her) to discuss anything WT related that might be negative. When and if she foregoes it altogether . . . it has to be her decision.

    If you haven't done so already . . . get familiar with Steve Hassans books. (I've read some of your threads)

    I hope things improve and the best result comes to pass.

  • OnTheWayOut
    OnTheWayOut

    I would kill a governing body member to get my wife to do some of the things your wife is doing.

    Okay, bad joke. If a GB member dies, you all never read that.

    As mentioned, please read both of Steven Hassan books to better understand the mind of a cult member and how to reach them. She is so wanting to be normal but your wife is trained to believe it's "the truth." She is in a turmoil.

    My wife has a master's degree and considers education very important. She sees how some college really makes a difference holding a job. She excuses WTS for their different take on that. She sees that her faded husband is really not "mentally diseased." She has a bit of that turmoil, but your wife is really really deep in it if she does Halloween and still wants to drag the kids to an assembly. She probably feels she is really letting Jehovah down, so she really needs help.

    Beyond the personal help you can give with the aid of Hassan's books, keep asking questions here and consider therapy for her. Just consider it, and broach that subject if she seems miserable in her turmoil.

  • Found Sheep
    Found Sheep

    Maybe she is trying to fade. Encourage her to do as much non-JW stuff as you can

  • Ding
    Ding

    Even JWs who have serious doubts often have trouble making the final break. Maybe she's afraid of all she would lose if she formally disassociates and is shunned.

    It may also be that she believes the children need religious training but sees everything outside the WT as satanic.

    It's good that she is getting comfortable with more and more things that are non-JW, like birthdays. If she goes to fewer and fewer meetings, it may be her way of coming out of the organization. Don't give her lectures about her inconsistency or claim victory or you might scare her right back in. Let her process things at her own pace.

    Isn't your current situation far better than having her as the gung ho JW, going to every meeting and spending every spare moment dragging your kids door to door in field service?

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